Two men walk into a bar. You'd have thought the second one would have ducked.

A white horse goes in to a pub and asks for a beer. The barman says "White Horse eh?, we've got a whisky named after you." and the horse replies "What, Eric?"

Quasimodo walks into a pub and orders a whisky. The barman asks "Bells alright?" to which Quasimodo replies "Mind your own f**king business!!"

A man is in the pub and when he comes back from the toilet his friends point out a large, athletic looking black woman at the bar. "She just broke wind in your pint." They tell him. He looks at his pint and it does seem a little cloudy. He shouts in a loud voice "I'm off to the loo lads!!" and hides behind a pillar. Sure enough the woman comes over and guffs in his pint of Best. The man shouts over "Oy!! did you fart in my Whitbread?"
" No," says the woman "I'm Tessa Sanderson."

A man rushes into a pub and says " Get me a whisky quick!! I need to get back home for my dog." "Johnny Walker?" asks the barman. "I shouldn't think so, he doesn't normally, the lazy b*****d!"Comes the reply.

A man goes into a pub. He's wearing a vest and a hardhat and he's black with coal dust from head to toe. "May I have a pint of beer please?" he asks. "Get Out!! " says the barman "We don't serve minors in here!"

Two gobstoppers are in a pub having a conversation. The first one is adamant that he's so hard he could take any sweet in the place. A humbug walks in and the lairy gobstopper goes right up to him and says "Come on then, come on dyawannafightabaatit?" "No," replies the humbug," I just want to enjoy a quiet drink with my frien the Haribo bear over there."
A Sherbet Lemon walks in to join the others and as he's sitting down the gobstopper comes up to them and says "Come on then!1 one a t a time or all together, I'll take you all on!!" And the three just cower in the corner.
THen A Halls Soother walks in and the gobstopper dives over the bar and crouches underneath, shivering with fright. The barman looks down and asks him what the matter is " I thought you said you was hard?"
"I'm not going near him!" says the Gobstopper, "He's Menthol!!!"

A ghost walks into a pub and orders a Vodka. "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits." says the barman.

Jean Paul Gaultier is in the pub telling the barman his woes. "This fashion business is tough, to keep my place at the top I need to come up with some new ridiculous gimmick for the autumn collection and I can't think of anything. Better get me something non-alcoholic."
"Appletise?" Asks the barman.
"That's it!!"says Jean Paul "The very thing!!!!"

a man in a pub goes back up to the bar and says "I'd better have another one of these cocktails, my wife says the last one tasted funny."
"Pina Colada?" asks the barman
"I never did!!!" the man replies.

a crab goes into a pub and says "Can I have a gin please?" The barman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve seafood in here."

Queen Boadicea of the Iceni walks into a pub. "I've been looking for brave men to help me fight against the Roman invaders and now I've got a raging thirst!!Get me a Peach Schnapps!" "Archers?" asks the barman. "No, I was thinking of charioteers actually!"

An old Frenchman walks into a pub with 2 metal balls in his hands. I've one every game today!"He says "I'm going to celebrate with some of that blue liquer." "Bols?" asks the barman. "Non, Petanque." comes the reply.

A man in a black suit with a black peaked cap on goes into a pub. "I'd like a cocktail please" he says th the barmaid. "Screwdriver?" she asks. "Don't mind if I do." says the man , leaping over the bar "but how did you know I'm a chauffeur?"

A man goes into a pub and walks up to the food counter. There is a huge silverbacked ape behind it. "I'd like the full English breakfast please, " says the man "but can you do me Fried bread instead of toast?" "Sorry, " says the ape " I can't do that, I'm just a gorilla."

A man walks into a pub. He's obviously cross. "I've just had yet another huge argument with my wife. " he tells the barman. "Give me a good stiff drink while I think about what to do." "Tequila?" asks the barman. "Oh come on!!" replies the man "That's a bit strong isn't it?"

2 pieces of tarmac are in the pub discussing who's tougher. "Im way 'arder than you! Says the first. I'm from the M25, think how much stuff goes over me every day." " Oh get real says the other, I'm from the roughest parts of the inner cities me, As well as lorries and buses over me, I also get petrol bombs and gunshots!!" Just then a red piece of tarmac walks in. The M25 piece looks worried. "Oh S**t, don't tangle with him." he says. "Why not?" asks the M3 bit. The M25 piece replies " Because he's a cyclepath!!!"

A man with a stocking on his head and a large gun walks into a pub. "Give me a drink quick!! And better make it no alcohol as I'm driving." "Kaliber?" asks the barman. The gunman looks the barman up and down and says "It's not healthy to go round asking questions like that, but if you must know, it'a a .375 Magnum!"

Geppetto walks into a pub. " I've just been making a little wooden boy." He tells the barman. " I've made him a little wooden face and he's got little wooden hands and feet, they're so cute, but he's still not happy, I must have missed something. Better get me a pint of cider." "Woodpecker?" asks the barman. "Of course!!" says Geppetto.

a man goes into a pub and says to the barman "give me a sticky aniseed drink and something to eat please!" "Pastis?" says the barman. "Well, " says the man " I was really just after a packet of crisps."