Doghouse Tails

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Doghouse Graphic by Amy the Ant

'What are you doing this evening?'

Oh for goodness sake can't the gang survive a Wednesday night without the comic cuts?

'I am having a night in... a solo night in.'

Wasn't yesterday enough. Late for French evening class…someone sitting in my seat. Good Lord I sound like my mother.

'I arrived late at church on Sunday darling, the car wouldn't start, and when I got there the wretched woman from the WI had pinched my parking space and I had to park on the road. Imagine? She knows it's my space. I shall have to have a word with the verger. I've been going to this church for over ten years now. I have my own pew space, next to the councillor - we have such a lot in common and his wife is a catholic. Not that I hold that against her... no hanky panky or anything (with the councillor I mean). If he tried that I'd have given him the big E, that's what you told me to say wasn't it? But I'm not sure she's looking after him properly. He had to go in for an operation on his teeth. A bit of cancer in the jaw I think. Poor man, he could hardly speak and his jaw was dreadfully puffy. I gave him a little bottle of red wine. You know the one I mean... they get it in especially for me in Oddbins. Such a nice little man in there, he does look after me. I brought him a shandy to say thank you. Well I don't think he likes chocolates and you can hardly take him wine can you? It will go down won't it? The puffiness I mean. He's a Leo like you darling. He said I looked wonderful in my outfit. It was an old rag but I did wear my new hat. I bought it in our favourite shop... you know the one that does the scarves and things and reminds me of Singapore... 'rain forest' or something. Now you know I'm not a flirt but I do like male company, the women in the church are so prissy.

I went out with Mary on Tuesday. I'm sorry I couldn't come over to see you but I had to pay the gas bill and it was her turn to drive so we went to Kingston. I bought a new skirt but, as soon as I got it home, I knew it was wrong. I just can't go shopping with Mary, she copies everything I do and I end up buying something that is a complete disaster. When can we go out together? I always find the best buys when I'm out with you.'


'éscriver maintenant.'

'Oh b******s she's talking to me. I'm late, I haven't done my homework and she's waving a bl***y magic marker in my direction. I'm four feet away from my notes and I have a nasty suspicion I have to write something on the board. What in heavens name did we do last week?

She was very good at the role-play and moving it on game. What was it all about? Oh dear god, verbs! I remember now. Present, future and past compost... or something close. Just as well my handwriting is illegible. Smile a lot and look beseeching. Top totty you in the green anorak, just keep talking...

J'ai mangé

Tu as mangé

Why am I here? Why am I filling this thing called time with stuff I didn't even find fun the first time round?


'I am not coming out to play. I am fed up with playing and more than fed up with all of you telling me what I should be doing.'

'We're only trying to help.'

'I don't need help. I need to work out my future, I need my past back again but most of all I need sleep.

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