The Hootoo Home of Today

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The Hootoo Home of Today by Asteroid Lil

Bedroom Chat1

We have been spending a lot of time thinking about our impending move to slightly larger premises. Circumstances force us to live rather as our forebears did and we have therefore been consulting the Home of Today2 rather often.

'When setting out to plan the furnishing of limited accommodation, it is well to discard all preconceived ideas of what a room should contain and to concentrate one's attention on what is actually necessary.'

Okay, what is actually necessary for us? Personally, I would be pretty contented with 'The Boy's Bedroom':

'Since the boy's ideal bedroom would be a combination of workshop, sitting-room, storehouse of hobbies, and, rather incidentally, a bedroom proper, its furnishing and general lay-out take some planning...

Further, there is the very important fact that the boy can be kept happy and out of mischief if he is allowed to use his overflowing energy in making or doing something which interests him. If he has no such outlet he is quite safe to get into mischief.'

Yes, a boy's bedroom is all very well, but does it come replete with a boy? If so there's no telling the kind of mischief that could be indulged, even in this inner sanctum. This sort of womb for the 'embryonic man' as The Home of Today calls him, grows up with him and becomes the smoking room where he can:

'Smoke and muddle to his heart's content with considerable saving to the wear and tear of the other living rooms of the house.'

Wear and tear?! True, you can tell if a man has been exercising his brain overly as the seat of his trousers will be worn through, but I rather resent that. Still, I can see myself muddling along quite nicely in such a room with me pipe, and I mean muddling for I'm not a terribly competent smoker you know. For a start I keep forgetting to take the blessed thing with me, and when I do get round to smoking I forget to inhale; making the white, fluffy clouds is so pleasing, you see. I suspect that the headrush I experience is more hyperventilation than any effect of the tobbacco, and so I quite happily wander lonely in a cloud. Perhaps you think this all rather affected. Well of course it is, I wasn't born with a pipe in my mouth despite appearances to the contrary.

spimcoots aren't born my dear, they're hatched. Like plots.

Actually, we regard our coot heritage very remotely. It's a long time since my forebears emerged from the water, and we haven't touched the stuff since.

Ah yes, what about these forebears? Presumably we're not talking about some newly updated version of the fairytale: Goldilocks and the Four Bears, the fourth one being...

... the counsellor who helped them through those difficult times following their appearance on the Jerry Springer episode 'Someone's been sleeping in my bed'.

Fore is an interesting word (here's one of those golf links, te-he):

Not much of a word in its own right, more of a Fore Prefix really. Oh well, forewarned is forearmed, time for some smut.

Among the many dictionary entries are of course:

  • Foreplay - ie 'brace yerself sheila' as the Aussies might have it (sorry Wow)
  • Foreskin - Just one drawback after another I find.

Sorry about that but, as The Home of Today declares:

'It is proverbially difficult to keep a man's sanctum reasonably clean.'

It bears thinking about I suppose. As does this week's puzzle. Not only is it unfair to those who are not British, but some of these counties no longer exist. Plus don't forget the book was published in 1941. Special prizes to anyone who manages it!

Guess These Counties3!

  1. In me you will find some people.
  2. And in me, too!
  3. I have a stone to give to you.
  4. Look for a church in me.
  5. In me you will find something belonging to a candle.
  6. You can wear me if you like - I'll keep you warm.
  7. I will give you something to lie on.
  8. You'll find the head of the Royal Family in me!
  9. Let me give you something to lean on.
  10. In me you will find something to cross a river.

Maybe this beverage from The Premier Mixologist, The Honourable Wm (Cocktail) Boothby4 might come in handy here:

Show Me Punch5

'Into a large mixing-glass place a teaspoonful of bar sugar, a pony of crême de cacao and a jigger of Missouri apple jack or brandy. Fill the glass with pure sweet milk, shake well, strain into a large goblet and serve.'


The Hootoo Home of Today Archive

Terri & Yoda

and spimcoot

09.10.03 Front Page

Back Issue Page

1Spimcoot comments now in glorious technicolour!... ed2Daily Express publications.3Anywhere in Britain, please.4The World's Drinks and how to mix them: The Hon Wm (Cocktail) Boothby.5Dedicated to the Bartenders of St Louis, Missouri, by Mr John H Considine, of Chicago.

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