In Other Words
Created | Updated Oct 10, 2003
Hola! I've decided that in today's cultural lesson, we'll be learning all about eating at a Chinese restaurant. Mmm!
Now, as a bit of background info, China is a country in Asia - Okay! Enough of that!
First off, when ordering Chinese cuisine, one must be careful that they know what they're ordering. You don't want to end up eating the cat you saw rummaging through the trash minutes prior. Of course, over on this side of the pond, most Chinese food is 'Americanized' so chances are the person cooking your food doesn't even remotely resemble the Oriental nationality, so cats shouldn't be a problem. So where was I... oh yes! Um... lo mien noodles are floppy, chow mien noodles are crunchy, and that's really all you need to remember. Of course, the toughest part of all Chinese eating for nearly everyone is the chopsticks. Since most of the chopstick packages don't give adequate instructions, 1 I'll give you:
DZ's Special Chopstick Instructions:
- Hold sticks like you see Chinese people doing in the movies.
- If that doesn't work, stab chopsticks into food and/or nasal cavity.
If that doesn't work for ya, maybe you should stick with waffles. Or milkshakes. Or pizza. Or milkshake-flavoured pizza in the shapes of waffles. If you do happen to get an ethnically-fitting waiter or waitress, you may have some difficulty with the language barrier.
WAITER: youawantadasoop?
YOU: eh?
WAITER: youawantadasoup?
YOU: Oh... no thanks - I'll just have water.
WAITER: youdrinkadawata?
YOU: yeah... sure... whatever.
If there are any Chinese speaking readers out there who may be offended, DON'T BE! I'M SORRY! I'm merely speaking from my experience. I never make fun of anyone's ethnicity... unless you're Canadian.2 As you're sitting in the Chinese restaurant of your pickin', you're topics of conversation will most likely veer toward ones Chinese in nature. So here are some interesting topics to fire up a convo if things start slowing down:
- The poo-poo platter doesn't actually contain any 'poo'. Discuss.
- Why do Chinese people insist in eating with sticks? Aren't forks easier? Or perhaps your hands?
- This chicken may or may not actually be fowl related. Explain.
The number one rule in a Chinese restaurant is to RESPECT THEIR CULTURE. I'm sure every Chinese food waiter hates those sleazy redneck customers who tromp in smelling of cow manure and beer3 and yell, 'EY! WASABI?! AHAHAHAHAAA!' then stick chopsticks in their lips and bark like a seal. To which the waiter politely mutters, 'Astupid Americans,' and shuffles off to get their egg drop soup.
I love Chinese food. It's great! Heck, I even know how to use the chopsticks! Yippee! I hope this little tutorial was of use to all you prospective eat-outers. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean off my leftovers. Mmm!
Your Little h2g2'er,
