Palpitating Theatre Presents: Excuses, Excuses

Narr:
Welcome to Irritating Public Radio, where an interval of scintillating social comment, humor and noise can be had by most.

This segment of Irritating Public Radio is made probable by a matching grant from Say It With Weasels, Austin's foremost exotic pet store, in business since 2013.

Good evening, our present episode is entitled "Excuses, excuses" and was written without the aid of a computer.


Intro:


Given that there are alternate dimensions in which the so-called "business" of existence occurs in almost-entertaining variations of our own, it it likely that if we chose to travel transdimensionally to visit the third dimension from the right, we might find something similar to the events related tonight happening right before our very ears.


In this particular imaginary instance, the Presidency of the World has passed to a seven-year-old girl named Amica Sway.

Her parents had previously held the position jointly, but since their lives began at forty, they are now in daycare, an expense which Amica resents because she thinks that she is quite capable of both doing her job and taking care of her parents at the same time.

Since she has just entered the Trapezoid Office and intends to stay there for at least thirty-three years, she has undertook to clean up some of the administrative messes her parents left.

After inducting all the lawyers and passing a decree that all those who wish to colorize black and white movies may continue to do so only if they personally hand color every frame of every print, she turned to the project that had long been a thorn in her father's paw: The Icarus Project.

The United States of the World had decided that it wished to share the benefits of it's democratic vision with a portion of the nearby universe, so it caused a starship to be built using the highly controversial and certainly sexist Negativity Drive to power it.

The Negativity Drive is vastly simple, so simple that it took three universities, one clergyman, and forty-two thousand Lebanese mothers of Puerto Rican descent fifty-two years to force a bagboy in Beverly Hills to conclude that he could do a better job with a pencil and a sandbox. After successfully applying for a grant from the Studebaker Foundation, it took him three sixpacks of Rattlesnake beer and two hours of watching old "Amanda Harding" movies to come up with the secret of the 'Negativity Drive':

You build an Artificial Intelligence.

Then you build it a mother.

The function of the mother is to tell the starship NO at every available opportunity. This negativity drives the ship away from the mother at an amazing rate of speed.

So they had a ship. They needed a crew. So, the President of the World, Amica's father Laminar Sway, formed a committee to look into the gathering of criteria for the selection of the crew and colonizing staff for the starship.

As the actors take their places, the committee is about to present it's preliminary findings for the first time in twenty-seven years.

The microphone opens on President Amica Sway's office in the Plaid House. The Chairperson of the Committee for the Procurement of Colonizing Personnel, Dr. Tabitha Smock, is introduced to the President by General Tube, head of the International Agency for Throwing Things into Space.


Pres. Sway:
I hope we can get this over with soon. I have a World-Wide Tap dance class to give in less than an hour.


Gen. Tube:
This shouldn't take long. All you really need is either a 'yes, we're ready to start picking victims' or a 'No, we need to extend our grant a bit'.


Pres. Sway:
How can it take so long? Aren't they supposed to be experts in their fields?


Gen. Tube:
Those who can, do. Those who might, need a little more money.


Pres. Sway:
We are not amused. I have seen your budget. Behave yourself.


Gen. Tube:
Yes, ma'am. Dr. Smock, you can come in now.


Dr. Smock:
Miss President, General. I am glad to be here today. What can I do for you, ma'am?


Pres. Sway:
Are you joking?


Dr. Smock:
I never joke.


Gen. Tube:
You made the appointment.


Dr. Smock:
Oh, did I? To what did I appoint whom to?


Pres. Sway:
We are not amused.


Dr. Smock:
I never joke.


Gen. Tube:
Dr. Smock, what do you do for a living?


Dr. Smock:
I work for the government.


Gen. Tube:
Ah. In what capacity?


Dr. Smock:
Cleveland.


Gen. Tube:
Doing what?


Dr. Smock:
I'm not sure I should tell you. Do you have clearance?


Pres. Sway:
You shall have clearance between your head and your esopahgus if you don't stop being silly.


Dr. Smock:
I am never silly.


Gen. Tube:
Some clowns aren't. Now, I am General Eustace Tube, head of the International Agency for Throwing Things into Space.


Dr. Smock:
Glad to meet you. Now, what can I do for you folks? I am a busy woman and I have a Low-Gravity Food Preparation show to film within the hour. Let's get on with it.


Pres. Sway:
Do I understand that you have something to do with the Committee for the Procurement of Colony Personnel?


Dr. Smock:
Do you?


Pres. Sway:
Do I what?


Dr. Smock:
Do you understand? Why ask me? I don't know.


Pres. Sway:
Now we are confused.


Dr. Smock:
Are we?


Gen. Tube:
We most certainly are.


Dr. Smock:
Being a doctor, maybe I can help you. What is the nature of your problem? Is it contagious?


Gen. Tube:
Yes. And you are a carrier.


DR. Smock:
Goodness. I had better apply for a grant to study me.


Gen. Tube:
I'm thinking of getting a Lee to shoot you.


Pres. Sway:
You don't joke, either, do you, General?


Dr. Smock:
As I indicated, my time is limited.


Pres. Sway:
More than you think. Dr. Smock, how close to being done are you?


Dr. Smock:
Well, as soon as I get done talking with you people and get you out of my office, I've got to do a little laundry and I hope to go to the lady's room, then I'll do my show. After that, there's a young man in the mail room I've been meaning to have a little talk with and...


Gen. Tube:(hard on her last word)

Doctor! Be quiet! The President wants to know when the Icarus Project can take off with it's crew.


Dr. Smock:
I'm afraid that's classified information.


Pres. Sway:
From me?


Dr. Smock:
I don't know you.


Gen. Tube:
She's the President.


Dr. Smock:
I don't know you, either.


Gen. Tube:
Okay. What do we have to do to get you to tell us?


Dr. Smock:
Show me your indentification. I'll write down your names and numbers and then I'll get back to you.


Pres. Sway:
When?


Dr. Smock:
When I've determined your status and my ability to answer your question.


Pres. Sway:
Don't let her leave, General! This the same thing that happened to my father twenty-seven years ago. He tried to talk to one of these silly people and the same thing happened to him. It's been twenty-seven years since anyone from the Committee has been in the Plaid House.


Gen. Tube:
What do you people do, collect your salaries and hide?


Dr. Smock:
What salaries. We've all got trust funds.


Pres. Sway:
How would you like to be poor and unemployed?


Dr. Smock:
Was that a joke?


Pres. Sway:
We never amuse.


Gen. Tube:
Tell the President what your committee has been doing for the last twenty-seven years. Tell her or you will find yourself working in the Plaid House cafeteria washing dishes.


Dr. Smock:
I don't think I've ever been spoken to like that in my entire life. Why am I being verbally abused? I work for the government. I don't have to listen to this!


Pres. Sway:
I AM the Government. You HAVE to listen to ME.


Dr. Smock:
Why?


Gen. Tube:
Otherwise, you'll lose your job. Now, talk. When will the ship be filled?


Dr. Smock:
When we are ready with the crew.


Pres. Sway:
So, you have a crew?


Dr. Smock:
No.


Pres. Sway:
So, you are selecting a crew?


Dr. Smock:
No.


Pres. SWay:
Why not?


Dr. Smock:
There are no deadlines in science, Miss. There is only expectation.


Pres. Sway:
Donkey Donuts! Why is it that every time I talk to someone over the age of eight, I get an ear full of garbage? You haven't done anything?


Dr. Smock:
Oh, yes, we've accomplished plenty. The spin-offs from the Committee's projects have already benefitted mankind and industry many times over and have more than paid for the Committee's expenses in returned tax revenue.


Pres. Sway:
But the committee is not close to being through?


Dr. Smock:
Through? Why would we ever be through?


Pres. Sway:
My father gave you a job to do. You feel no obligation to finish it?


Dr. Smock:
Actually, your father hired my father.


Pres. Sway:
Well? Are you going to finish the job?


Dr. Smock:
What do you think we are?


Pres. Sway:
Employees. Are you going to do the job?


Dr. Smock:
We are hoping, someday, to learn enough to complete the project.


Gen. Tube:
May I ask what the problem is?


Dr. Smock:
What problem?


Gen. Tube:
With the Committee's mission.


Dr. Smock:
Oh, there's no problem. We're quite happy with it.


Gen. Tube:
Congradulations.


Dr. Smock:
Thank you.


Pres. Sway:
We are not amused. We are getting angry. We want to put a ship into space. We want a crew on it. We want it yesterday.


Dr. Smock:
Want, want, want. Be patient. You can't order up progress like a pizza.


Pres. Sway:
No, but I might see you next when I send for Chinese. The world can't wait. Find a crew. Give them their shots. Get them on the Icarus. Light the fuse. Let's get on with it! It will take them fifteen years to travel eight light-years. If you'd done your job properly, they would have been there and almost back by now.


Gen. Tube:
Right.


Dr. Smock:
Young lady, I don't know if you have any idea what kind of education I have...


Pres. Sway:
That's it! OUT! GET OUT!


Dr. Smock:
What?


Gen. Tube:
Get. There's the door. Once you're out, stick around. We're not done with you, yet.


Dr. Smock:
Oh, okay. Good-bye.


SFX:

DOOR EFFECT


Pres. Sway:
What are my options, General? Can I have her shot?


Gen. Tube:
I'm not sure.


Pres. Sway:
She was insolent to me.


Gen. Tube:
Yes.


Pres. Sway:
Can I have her spanked and sent to bed without supper?



Gen. Tube:
I'm afraid not. She's only thirty-two. Not old enough.



Pres. Sway:
So what shall I do? This is irritating. My father should have done something about it years ago. Like before I was born.



Gen. Tube:
Was that a joke?


Pres. Sway:
We are not amusing. General, I order you to tell me what to do!


Gen. Tube:
As you wish. Send the Committee.


Pres. Sway:
Say what?


Gen. Tube:
Send the Committee on the Icarus. They're the experts. What they don't know, they'll figure out.


Pres. Sway:
Wonderful. Marvelous. A real idea. Okay. Send Spacer Smock back in here.


SFX:
DOOR EFFECT


Gen. Tube:
Dr. Smock? Can you come back in here?


Dr. Smock:
Oh, okay. I thought she was mad at me.


Pres. Sway:
Not anymore. It seems that your job is not finished. It is just beginning.


Gen. Tube:
Yes. It is more than a job. It is going to be an adventure.


Dr. Smock:
I don't understand.


Pres. Sway:
We're putting the Committee and it's project managers on the Icarus. You know more about crewing that ship than anyone else ever could.


Gen. Tube:
Yep. You've definitely earned a ticket.


Dr. Smock:
We can't crew that ship!


Pres. Sway:
Who cares? You're going. That's that!


Gen. Tube:
Don't forget to write.


Dr. Smock:
But!


Pres. Sway:
Get her out of here. Now.


Dr. Smock:
Buuut! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!


Pres. Sway:
Watch me, sweetheart.


Narr:
The moral of the story is: If at first you don't succeed, send a flunkey with excuses.

This has been Irritating Public Radio