h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I work for a well established ISP, who provide the service for various other VISP.

All these calls are genuine.

1 : User 'Help, I think I've broken the Internet'

2: User calls with connection problems (persistant password error). Analyst works on users system for over an hour, changing the password on the helpdesk database among other attempts, checking every time that the users password is case sensitive, each time getting a 'positive' response from the user. Towards the end of the call, he asks the user to spell the password one more time. User spells password 'c-a-s-e-s-e-n-s-i-t-i-v-e'

3 : User experiencing connection problems. Analyst checks homepage address first. Seems ok, and commences to check all other possible settings. Exasperated, asks user to spell out homepage, and user spells it 'h-t-t-p-(colon)-w-w-w-d-o-t.........etc'

4 : User experiencing email problems. Analyst checks system to discover in user profile settings, user has entered username, password, domain name, IP addresses, all under the one field of 'user'.

5 : Top Notch Network Administrator (self-proclaimed) calls helpdesk. Will not speak to 1st or 2nd line analyst, demands to speak to manager. Manager takes call, and administrator screams : 'I've been a network administrator full time for the last 15 years, I have designed systems using machine code, Cobol, Pascal, C, C++, Fortran,,,,,,,,,etc. After about 10 minutes of this, manager asks 'What is the problem?'

User states : 'I can't get this *** piece of software to work on my Network'.

Manager asks user if he still has the packaging disk came in. User gets this. Manager says 'look at the lower left side of the package, and read out the large letters in red'.

These inform user that package will not run in network environment.

User returns with 'So? I'm a Network Administrator!'

6 : User calls with 'I've just picked up one of your disks for the internet. Will I need a computer for it?' On receiving answer, user thanks analyst and hangs up.

7 : User contacts helpdesk. 'I've just bought a new modem for the internet, and I can't get it to work'

analyst : 'What system do you have?'

User : 'i'ts a brand new (modem brand)'

analyst : 'Ok, and what operating system do you have'

User : 'I'ts a (modem brand), are you deaf?'

analyst : 'Oh, I see, and what software do you use.

User : 'I don't know, i'ts brand new'

analyst : 'Is your computer switched on'

User : 'No, idiot, it's not a computer, i'ts a Modem. I'ts for THE I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T'

ROTFLMAO