h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Doners do count. You feel safer eating nondescript ex-goat mush than eating something that was recogniseably once part of a chicken. After the PTB have their slang thing assembled we ought to get them to amalgamate all the kebab entries. After curry houses they need to do kebabs before asking for people to describe their favourite chippy as everyone will know at least seven and the whole thing will be too large to satisfactorily finish. Where do you get your kebabs from? How much do they cost? Do they skimp on the meat in order to offload their rotting veg on you?

Mmm. It's not the fat that bothers me, it's the spectacle of a huge lump of meaty stuff (if you say so) twisting gently in the breeze, warmed as much by the UV fly killer as it is by the rusty grill that kills my goat.

I suspect, though, if you poke the logic behind my aversion to doner meat (sic.) hard enough a whopping hypocisy will be revealed. I've no idea for how long or under what condidtions they keep their chicken meat. I can't *see* it festering in a tray in the back room, though, so that's OK.

Yep, a Kebab article would be a "good thing", the people need to know.

Isn't the word itself, "Kebab", ace! It's an oral motor neurone thing. Probably.

It's probably the spiciness that ensures the absence of microscopic nastiness in the kebab. Some sort of health magazine thing that I had the misfortune of being given a subscription to by my sister made some cultures from swabs taken from a kebab and found masses of little beasties flagelling to and fro. Plenty of people seem to get struck down by food poisoning from "dodgy burgers" but never from kebabs. I think they're building up our immune systems. Soon our lymphocytes will be made of steel and we shall eat raw meat the whole livelong day. So it shall be. No less, indeed.

Do you reckon the network of kebeb emporia that runs like a lattice of grease across our country could be a front for the BioMed industry?

Them Greeks and their science, eh?

Maybe that's what drove them to such wondrous constructs, discoveries and whatnot. Knowing that you're going to cark at 40 from ischaemic heart disease brought on by eating goats soaked in lard. There's a point there, though. Maybe they could be paying us to eat kebabs as research for what happens when you dabble in the lifestyle of a saprophytic microbe. Maybe when a man-made plague sweeps the world we'll find that we're not only immune but have developed special powers as a side-effect of the experimental treatments. Bagsy I get to fly and be invisible.