h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It might be that you haven't yet had a run-in with carnivorous processed cheese, or that you hadn't heard of it, so perhaps you will consider including my anecdotal experience?

My first encounter with a carnivorous processed cheese (CPC) occurred during my exploration of the fen country to the northwest of Suffolk. I have not encountered a CPC further afield so cannot speculate on their preferred habitats, but their modus vivendi is particularly vicious. I will go so far as to speculate that this arises from the processing (i.e. scraping the mold off ageing cheeses with a hacksaw blade and melting and blending the cheeses thus exposed).

Being a processed cheese, the CPC is largely immune to the effects of mastication and ingestion, reconstituting itself in the small intestine where it begins the feeding process. For the consumer this means intense bouts of abdominal pain, sometimes accompanied by nausea or diarrhoea (just try spelling that when you've had a Dry Blackthorn!).

I discovered a prophylactic and emollient treatment for the victim of a CPC entirely by chance. Fortunately, milk chocolate contains theobromine, which is extremely poisonous to the CPC causing it to seek exit from the victim's system rapidly.

that made sense

Which bit?

well... just...

None of it

Thank you, I am very reassured. I seldom made sense when I was younger. Now I hardly ever make sense. Of course I try, but the whole zen thing seems so much more appealing.

ok