To Kill a Rocking-Chair

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-- To Kill a Rocking-Chair --

EXT. OUTSIDE

(It was a dark and stormy night... Well, really, it wasn't raining at the moment, nor was it especially windy actually. It was really quite fair weather for a change, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. And then it wasn't particularly dark either, as it was high noon.)

(In fact, it wasn't a dark and stormy night at all.)

(But saying, 'It was a bright and fine midday' isn't all that impressive, is it?)

(Anyway, on this bright day, Lady Marian, deputy Protectress of the Boards, was walking down the street with her parasol up to protect her from the dark - erm, sunshine.)

(She turned down an alley, started making her way through some brush at the end of it, and tripped over General Ford.)

General Ford: Ouch.

Lady Marian: Hullo, Steven, I thought I might find you here.

General Ford: And did you?

Lady Marian: Yes.

General Ford: Ah, good. I wouldn't want to be somewhere else when you were looking for me here.

Lady Marian (rolls her eyes): Steven, would you stop babbling and listen to me for a minute?

General Ford: Of course, sorry, my fault, won't happen again, I'm all ears, won't say a word, not a -

Lady Marian (interrupting quickly): Right! Well, I was thinking, since Lord Mike's away at the moment, fighting evil enigmatically in France, we ought to go make sure everything's all right at Mills House.

General Ford: Why?

Lady Marian: Because I've got the keys, and I can't think of anything better to do.

General Ford: Sounds good to me! I was only looking for old hats full of penguins.

Lady Marian: Oh, is that what you were doing. Did you find any?

General Ford: Only one and a bit.

Lady Marian: Ah.

INT. MILLS HOUSE

(Sunshine falls through the cranks of the shuttered windows into the main hall of the House, which is full of dust and cobwebs.)

(A key is heard in the lock, and the door grates open, the hinges creaking; Lady Marian and General Ford step inside.)

General Ford: How did it get so dusty in here? Lord Mike's only been gone a day or two.

Lady Marian (surprised): Dusty? Oh, I see! That was just the Narrator being atmospheric again. It's not dusty in here at all.

(Oh, all right, Mills House is in its usual, spotless state, and the door didn't creak a bit!)

General Ford: Oh good.

(He heads for the kitchen.)

(But at that moment, there is a mysterious tapping at the window. The reason it's so mysterious, is that there aren't any windows in the room General Ford and Lady Marian are standing in...)

EXT. FRANCE

(Meanwhile, Lord Mike has arrived enigmatically in France, and now sits, just as enigmatically, at an outdoor cafe.)

Mike: Er... bonjour monsieur, je voudrais une croque monsieur.

Waiter: You what?

Mike: Oh...

EXT: INTERIOR MILLS-HOUSE

Steven: Well what I want to know is, how can this be an "ext" scene if we're in the house.

Marian: In all honesty, I think we all want to know that.

(They wait expectantly for an answer, but when none comes, they carry on with the story)

Steven: Hmm... I wonder where that mysterious tapping at the window came from, which is made all the more mysterious by the fact that there aren't any windows in here.

Glazier: It's only me. I was just wondering, have you ever thought of getting a window put in this room?

Marian: No.

Glazier: Really? We've got a good offer on at the moment. If we do the downstairs windows, we'll trample mud into your carpet for free.

Steven: No thank you.

Glazier: Oh go on. Tell you what, I'll even spill coffee everywhere, and I won't charge you a penny. How about that?

Marian: We don't want any windows, or mess.

Glazier: Suit yourself then. What about a greenhouse?

Steven: Why would I want a greenhouse?

Glazier: Nice colour, green. Attracts the ladies.

Steven: You what?

Glazier: So do you want a greenhouse then?

Steven and Marian: No.

Glazier: Suit yourself then. What about a conservatory. I could show you a nice one of them. Very good, very nice.

Marian: We don't want any new fitted glass.

Glazier: Really? Not any new windows?

Marian: No.

Glazier: Oh. Suit yourself then. What about a lobby?

Steven: No!

Glazier: New doors?

Marian: No!

Glazier: Skylight?

Steven and Marian: NO.

Glazier: Double glazing?

Marian and Steven: NO!

Glazier: Oh, very well, shoot yourself then.

Steven: You what?

Glazier: I said shoot yourself then.

Steven: Why should I want to shoot myself?

Glazier: Because it will save me a job. (He pulls out a gun... and points it... AT STEVEN!)

(Steven peers at the gun.)

Steven: It's not polite to point.

Marian: Why are you pointing a gun at Steven, what did he ever do to you?

Glazier: Well, he refused to buy my windows, for a start. But that isn't why I really want revenge.

(Marian starts edging around behind the Glaizer.)

Marian: Oh?

Glazier: No, it's what he did to me in Bombay.

Steven (scratches his head): I don't recall ever being in Bombay.

Glazier (shouting): Well, can I help your weak memory?

Steven: Oh, I hope so. I really need treatment for my condition.

Glazier: I've had enough of this!

Steven: Yes, me too.

Glazier: I'll silence your babbling mouth forever!

(Marian, now behind the Glaizer, winks at Steven, who nods back understandingly.)

(Steven suddenly points into the distance.)

Steven: Look! It's a GIANT FLYING CUDDLY PANDA!

Glazier: Eh?!

(As the Glazier stumbles back, Marian trips him, causing him to fall into the glass samples he brought in with him.)

(Satisfied, Marian looks around for Steven, and finds him perched on a rafter overhead.)

Marian: What are you doing up there?

Steven: Wasn't it part of the plan?

Marian: No.

Steven: Ah. I'll get down then.

(Marian thinks as Steven struggles down from the rafters.)

Marian: You know, I think we ought to look into this Glazier business.

Steven (upside-down): Oh yes?

Marian (nods): Yes. I wonder what company he was with...

(She looks, and finds a business card as Steven lands with a plop on the floor next to her.)

Marian (reading): Hmm, 'Sinister Glazing, A Different Experience For Your Glass Needs'.

Steven: Yes, that sums it up I guess.

Marian: Steven...

Steven: Marian...

Marian: Cut that out, we haven't time for it. I was going to say, Steven...

Steven (brightly): Still here. If here is here.

Marian: I think we ought to pay these Sinister Glaziers a visit.

Steven: Righty-ho!

EXT. MILLS HOUSE

(Marian and Steven come out the door, and Marian locks it behind her.)

Steven: Did I ever tell you about the time when I fell from a tree and landed on an alligator?

Marian: I don't think so.

Steven: Well, if that lamppost hadn't been in the way, I don't know what would've happened.

Marian: You would've been eaten, I suppose. But then, I guess it would all depend on how hungry the alligator was.

Steven: Oh, no. Not me. The avacado.

Marian: Oh indeed... Friend of yours?

Steven: Just an acquaintance.

(Marian, shaking her head instead of looking where she's going, almost walks straight into a lamppost. Fortunately, Steven walks into it ahead of her just in time.)

Marian (embarrassed): Thank you, Steven.

Steven (grinning and rubbing his nose): No problem, Marian. I'm used to it.

(And they continue their fateful journey to the Glaziers' Shop...)

SOME TIME LATER:

(Rocky cliffs stretch up on both sides of the path, huge boulders lie along the path, and the sun hangs high in the sky. Atmospheric music plays in the background)

Steven: Shut up!

Simon Rattle: Oh, sorry... I thought someone had ordered a Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra.

Steven: You're not even the conductor anymore.

Simon (crying): Okay, I admit it, I'm not, but have you any idea how that makes me feel?

Steven: No.

(Simon exits down stage left)

Marian: You know, Steven, I think we've gone wrong here...

Steven: No, I don't think so. If I'm not mistaken, the glaziers should be just around this corner.

(They round the corner, and the glaziers isn't there)

Steven: Well I'm mistaken then.

Marian: Tch.

(Steven shruggs and walks into an invisible lamppost)

Steven: Ouch!

Marian: Wait a minute... this isn't an invisible lamppost at all, this is a sheet of glass, straight across the path.

Steven: Funny place to put a window, if you ask me. Who on earth would put a sheet of glass there?

Marian (gives a withering look): Steven, this story is all about glaziers.

Steven: Oh yes... silly billy me.

(Marian narrows her eyes)

Marian: You know, if I'm not mistaken, this would be the perfect place for an ambush!

Steven: Oh good, it's been a while since I had a fresh am. Do you think we can make some amjuice?

(In Lord Mike's absence, Marian hits Steven with a six foot high model of Plato.)

Marian: I don't believe that's something I've ever done before.

Steven: What, hit me with a six foot high model of Plato?

Marian: No, be ambushed by a tribe of viscious glaziers.

Steven: Are we going to do that scene then?

Marian: In a moment or two.

Steven (counting): Ooooh, one moment...

Marian: Here they come - !

Steven: Two moments!

(At which point hundreds of wild glaziers jump down on the two from above. They try valiently to keep from being overwhelmed.)

Marian: Steven, I've got an idea!

Steven: I could go to the Pacific Ocean, get a long palm tree, bring it back here, and use it as a ladder, so we can escape?

Marian: No, come over here! I'll see if my parasol's any use.

Steven: Hm, we might as well try it, it's quicker than my plan.

(He manages, through use of very unusual fighting tactics, to get to where Marian is.)

Marian: A-ha, here we are!

Steven: Yes, that's what the Narrator just said.

(She holds up her parasol, and presses a button on the handle, causing a flash of light. The Glaziers fall back, covering their eyes.)

Marian: Quick, up to the top of the ravine!

(She shoots a grappling hook from her parasol, and they both start climbing up the rope to the top of the cliff.)

Steven (looking behind): Determined chaps, aren't they.

(The wild Glaziers are swarming up after them.)

Marian: Oh, come on, Steven!

Steven: I really hope this is an important part of the plot. I mean, I wouldn't want to climb all the way up this cliff, just to find that the whole scene is cut later on by the copy editor.

Marian: I'm sure it won't be.

Steven: Hmm... maybe...

(There is a fizz, and the sound of scissors...)

Mike: ... and then it turned out I wasn't in France at all, but in Birmingham. I'd caught the wrong plane, you see.

Marian: Um... what just happened?

Steven: I think we were the victims of some bad editing.

Marian: Oh... well at least on the bright side we won't have to deal with that vicious bunch of glaziers now... or not until the DVD release of this story, with "previously unbroadcast scenes".

Steven: Fraternising factories! I hadn't thought of that.

Marian: Oh never mind, we can do that later.

(She becomes aware that they are in the Mills-Manor, drinking tea and eating biscuits - well most of them are, Steven is drinking his biscuit and eating his tea)

Marian: You know... there's something different about this place... very different, but I can't quite put my finger on what it is.

Mike: Oh, it must be the new double glazing I had fitted...

The end?

***********

Tune in for the exciting sequel,

-- The Glass Malfunctionary --

In which Steven and Marian, as part of an entirely transparent plot, are taken to the lucidifying lair of the evil glassworkers, see through their plans, and foil their brilliant leader.

Contains some classic scenes in which Marian clarifies the situation, and Steven brightly makes jokes about 'men in glass houses'.

A truely enlightening story!

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Infinite Improbability Drive

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