In Other Words
Created | Updated Oct 10, 2003
Howdy males and females! It's time once again for everybody's favorite smart person, Ms Smarts-a-lot!
As you all know, Ms Smarts-a-lot is a leading name in all things that require intelligence, including opening doors, completing complex crossword puzzles, and theoretical physics! Which brings us to today's puzzler: Where did the Earth come from? Ahaaa! My specialty! Well, it just so happens I have an actual transcript from God's game of Blackjack with other various Universal Deities where he won Earth. Yes, that's right, God won the Earth while gambling. Yeeha!
Deity 1: Alright, Gentlemen, here's how it goes. Winner gets pick of planets. Next pick to 2nd place, and so on. Clear?
Deity 2: Um... excuse me, but we aren't technically gentlemen.
Deity 1: What?
Deity 2: Well, yes. I mean, we aren't really anything, are we.
Deity 1: *sigh* Alright then, non-physical entities, let's get started.
Deity 3: (Deals cards) Alright, what'll it be boys - er... girls... erm... y'all?
God: Hmmm... hit me!
Deity 3: Oooh! 27! Bust, my friend. How 'bout you?
Deity 1: Oh, I'll stay. (Flips cards over) Aha! Ace and a King! 21, baby!
Deity 2: What do you mean, 21? Ace is only one! That's eleven!
Deity 1: Ace can be eleven or one, you brainless turd.
Deity 2: What?! I'll strike thee down!
Deity 1: Do what thou must!
*Lightning and thunder all over*
Deity 3: Alright, that's enough! I'm just the dealer, I can't play God between you two, for goodness sake!
Deity 2: um...
Deity 1: er...
Deity 3: Oh... well, um... ok, maybe I CAN play God... but that doesn't mean I'm going to!
The four Deities continued on, sharing minimal hostility, just a few 'I'll plague your planet's here, and 'who bl**dy cares if you can walk on water, we ALL can!'s there. But God was trailing by a considerable amount. Things weren't looking good for everybody's favorite omnipotent dude.
God: awww man... 23! I'm having rotten luck.
Deity 1: God, you're a God. You ARE luck.
Deity 3: Last hand, guys - aw dammit... people!
Deity 1: 19! Booyah!
Deity 2: 17. Nuts.
Deity 3: 21! ALRIGHT!
God: 28?! CURSED CARDS! (Cards burst into flame)... um... oops.
Deity 3: Learn to control that temper, God! Alright, I call Jupiter, Saturn, and Mercury.
Deity 1: Blasted, I wanted Saturn. Um, I'll take Venus, Neptune, Pluto, and Uranus.
Deity 2: I want Mars!!! I GET MARS!!
God: What does that leave?
(The other Deities snicker among themselves.)
God: What's so funny?
Deity 1: You get... *snort*... heh... EARTH!
(They all burst into uncontrollable laughter.)
God: EARTH?! But it's USELESS! LOOK AT IT!
The Gods see themselves out, laughing intently, talking about their new planets.
God: Earth. Earth. I haaaaaaad to lose, didn't I. (He looks glumly down on his desolate planet.) Guess I better get to work! Let there be LIGHT!
Little did God know he would later win the Deity's prize for Best Use of the Word 'Belgium' ('He made it a country! How utterly clever!') 'Look who's laughing NOW!' He yelled at the other Gods, 'My planet's got pizza! And pencils! AND the Playboy channel! Plus I have this shiny plaque with my name on it!!' Yes, Earth definitely came out on top. And so it flourished. Sure, we've got our problems. Wars, pollution and such, but look at Jupiter: That big red storm thingy, Venus is entirely too cloudy, and Uranus is completely sideways! Nobody's perfect.
So now you know our origins. Most of you can die happily now, after we answer that other mystery, What exactly DO women want? Answer: Fried Chicken.
Your little h2g2'er,
