h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

<> that differs ,im talking about healthy beings .that jump about like rabbits and don't give a dam who the hurt .

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Shifty seems to think that sex is necessary in a loving, married relationship, and it would seem to me that all the posts on this thread would certainly show that not to be the case. Besides, it's not like I know anything of the world, but I would say that it is quite possible to love someone without breaching that gap. It's not the way for everyone to go, I would think.

I would agree that this view of Shifty's displays a rather narrow-minded view of the world.

Myself, I cannot (as a teenager) see why sex would be at all enjoyable. Doubtless that will change as I get older. But it seems to me that a real relationship has to be founded just as much on being intellectually and interpersonally compatible. And my saying this does, of course, bear witness to the fact that everyone has a different view on sex and where it fits into their world view.

AND YOU BEING A YOUNG TEEN ,YOU WOULD NO ALL ABOUT MARRIAGE LOL ,

EMR shows a more balanced & compassionate thought process than you, at any rate.

>>"But it seems to me that a real relationship has to be founded just as much on being intellectually and interpersonally compatible."

That's certainly the way things work for me.

There *is* huge variation between different people (thank god[s]), or potentially within one person at different times in their life, and possibly between one person on one life path, and what the same person would have been on another path.

Just because something works for one person (or, at least, isn't obviously worse than any practical alternative they are capable of imagining) doesn't make it the model everyone should follow.

Perhaps the question is 'how important is sex?'

The answer, obviously, is different for different people, and different at different times. One thing which amuses me about men is that they are blissfully unaware that they are a slave to their own hormones to precisely the same degree as women are slaves to theirs.

Having been committed to the continuance of a sexless marriage, and having provided sexual release to someone else who was committed to another sexless marriage, I can confirm that if one partner - for whatever reason - cuts off that particular form of loving communication it most definitely puts a strain on the relationship, and may ultimately end it.

Sex is all sorts of things, and one of the things it is is a form of communication. There are things which you can say to your partner in no other way, and there are spaces you can share, experiences you can give or live which can be done in no other way. Only eating is eating.

Only sex is sex.

Ben

ive never heard so much pixx in all my life ,if theres no love there ,what is the point of getting wed ,

"if theres no love there ,what is the point of getting wed "

Well, lots of reasons. Not necessarily ones that appear to be a good idea to those viewing from the outside.
But I know of several relationships where it was *not* love or even sexual attraction that made them marry.
One couple, there was a total devotion from the female to the male, but the male was no longer attracted overly to the female. Nice person, he got on with her very well. Good friends if you will. And that, coupled with the fact that he couldn't face the hurt that his rejection of her would cause, was enough. As he put it, a soul mate is very hard to find, especially a devoted one.

We don't live in an ideal world, and many, many of us will go through life without finding the perfect partner. Indeed, being in love is no guaruntee of being with the right person. I have also heard, several times, friends splitting up even though they were in love 'because they just couldn't live in the same house'.

Equally, there are those who get married because they want to fit in, the 'anyone' state of afairs.

Or because they just can't stand being on their own anymore.

Or arranged marriages, which *do* happen in the so called liberated first world.

As for the point, the point is social, financial or mental stability or support. And sometimes love.

Love doesn;t always last that long you know. Talk, candidly, to older couples who have been married for 30,40,50 years. You will find all this in there. They never loved each other, but they know each other so well they can;t live without each other. Or the feel the social shame of divorce or seperation is too much.
People are complicated, two people doubly so.

#Almost as complicated as the reasons why some people choose to remain single, and that isn't necassarily because they haven't found someone they love.

Oh, and finally, there is always the the other reason for getting married - they made a mistake. Happens.

correct ben well put ...

Hi PC I read
'I'm just trying to figure out why it's automatically assumed that all married couples are having sex with each other.'

Its funny that, we (husband and I) get all sorts of innuendo from friends and family about sex, yet we havn't for well over a year. Its amazing how people think al tere is to marriage is sex, how narrow minded and sad! It doesn't stop conversation, cuddling, trust, love, good times and bad. We are very much in love and I would never leave him. Yet people don't want to focus on the love but only on the sex thing.

Thats why I havn't told anyone in my family, they wouldn't understand and would think its a problem. It would only be a problem for them though! We are happy.

Love is wonderful and sex can be fantastic, but a loving relationship never has to include sex to be complete. I had more sex before marriage then after it and I don't care!

Very interesting post, Ictoan.

Basically, there are no Rules. Each couple discovers what works best for them. I think it only becomes an issue or a problem when they feel they have to 'fit in' with how society sees marriage and relationships.


az

'I think it only becomes an issue or a problem when they feel they have to 'fit in' with how society sees marriage and relationships.'

Exactly az, who do we live with our partners or society, and yet society often has a greater influence.

I think it becomes a problem if the partners within the relationship don't have similar expectations or needs though. I don't think that within a relationship people give a fig for what society thinks, but if one partner wants sex much more than the other, or much less, then it can be an issue *for the couple*.

<>

Really, kelli? I think that being a fly on the wall would show that lots of relationships have their very distinct and possibly wonky personal rules happening - but out in public a certain 'face' is shown. The happy couple and all that. After all, it's what is somehow 'expected'.


az

"I think that being a fly on the wall would show that lots of relationships have their very distinct and possibly wonky personal rules happening - but out in public a certain 'face' is shown. "

yes, so within the relationship the couple are making their own rules, doing what they want, when they want.

Do you think most people don't do what is comfortable for them in their own relationship because of what society thinks?

Obviously I have no idea, kelli. But I sometimes wonder if people base their relationships on what they see in society as 'acceptable happy relationships' and then try to live up to that.

az

I just find it difficult to picture a couple saying "well neither of us want to but this survey says we should be doing it twice a week and it has only been once so I suppose we ought to...", similarly I can't see a couple not doing it because they've reached their quota.

>> Do you think most people don't do what is comfortable for them in their own relationship because of what society thinks?

Actually, yes, I've found it to be very hard to throw off what society thinks, whether it is in the form of the ghost of my mother frowning when I throw away 'perfectl good' food, or the ghost of my grandmother disapproving when I smoke or eat in the street.

I was once with a guy who wouldn't have sex in the afternoons because the neighbours would see that the curtains were shut. He'd have a *sleep* in the afternoons with the curtains shut - but no sex please. We were British. Go figure.

Ben.

So who is buying all those mags that tell people HOW they should be relating?


az

Az, I think we are at cross purposes here