The Asparagus: A Short Story
Created | Updated Apr 27, 2006
Let me start off by asking you a question. Are you eating asparagus? You are? Right now? Well stop, okay? What do you mean no? Just shut up and listen to me, put the asparagus down and listen. Okay finally, let me tell you why you should not eat asparagus.
Well the reason you should not eat asparagus is simple, it's evil. What do you mean you want an explanation? Fine, okay, okay, The story starts off in a time far, far, far, far away. No, not in the past, the future. Yes, it all started in the future. You see, in the future the government will be controlled by one company, one giant company, ran by a single person. Many people know this person as James McFloydypants. What do you mean you don't know him? Well, of course you don't, he is in the future, duh!
To continue with the story, I need to tell you more about James McFloydypants. He was born, like most beings, on top of the Himalayas Mountains. What do you mean most beings aren't born on top of the Himalayas? Yes, I was, thank you for asking. Back to the story. It turns out that being born on top of the Himalayas is very dangerous.
Why is being born on the Himalayas dangerous? Well, you see it is very cold up there, and being born cold is, I dunno, umm, bad. It has something to do with constricting the blood flow, I dunno, something bad though. To tell the truth, the whole being born cold thing is not part of the story at all. What is important about James being born on top of the Himalayas is, that his mother, like most mothers who bare children on top of the Himalayas, left young James up there. His mother left him up there to fend for his own food, shelter, and just about everything. Luckily, or unluckily for us in the past, James was found and taken in by some Hippies. Yes, there are Hippies in the future.
Even in the future the Hippies are veggie loving, meat hating, little sons of, but that's not important. Well, anyways these Hippies took James in and taught him there free loving, although James didn't get very much FREE loving, veggie eating, protesting ways. Well James and his parents did the usual Hippie things, they protested, and protested, then they protested some more. They protested the War of 2118. You are not familiar with the War of 2118? Oh well, you will find out about it some time or another. So James and his parents did this for awhile, until James realised that he needed a job. He didn't want just any job, he wanted to be the ruler of Earth. This of course, was a very easy thing to accomplish, all he did was stage a hunger strike. He wouldn't eat until all the countries in the world unanimously agreed that James was cool and their leader.
Well, James got tired of just being the ruler of the world, and decided he should branch out, do more things, be adventurous, so he started his own company. Actually, the real reason he started his own company was because he liked the letters CEO. James always thought CEO McFloydypants sounded awesome. So his company became a monolopy on everything. So technically, anyone that worked in the company was a very powerful person indeed, but this theory lacks because James was the only person that worked at his company. So, James became CEO, President, Vice-President, Assistant Directory of Financing, Mail-Clerk, and Ruler of the Earth, but just like any CEO, or big wig, he bored easily. He would sit around and dream of his Hippie days. His boredom would soon change the history the Earth forever.
James would perform experiments on food when he got bored. He tried changing Oranges to Apples, but that ,just like Alchemy, was a failure. So he turned to Asparagus, the most hated veggie in the world, for his sick experiments. Finally, James created his perfect Asparagus. It looked like a normal Asparagus and smelt like a normal Asparagus, but if you refused to eat it, it would slap you repeatedly. It wasn't that the Asparagus's slap was hard, it just got annoying after awhile. So, finally people would get fed up and eat the nasty veggie. I bet you are wondering why people would keep buying the Asparagus. Well, the answer is very, very, very, simple, if you did not buy Asparagus every week, James would send his secret police to "persuade" you to buy it.
Well, the people of Earth soon got tired of this Asparagus crap. They decided to take action, against it. They all got together one night, secretly of course. What do you mean all the people in Earth coudn't get together in one place? Listen, I am the one typing this story. I know what I am doing. Anyways, all the people in the Earth wished upon a shooting star, and sent the evil Asparagus to the past. This is how we got Asparagus. They just magically appeared in the past one day. So that is why Asparagus is evil. What do you mean that doesn't explain anything? What? You do not like how it ends? It doesn't matter it is my story.
By:greatbananaking
Well the reason you should not eat asparagus is simple, it's evil. What do you mean you want an explanation? Fine, okay, okay, The story starts off in a time far, far, far, far away. No, not in the past, the future. Yes, it all started in the future. You see, in the future the government will be controlled by one company, one giant company, ran by a single person. Many people know this person as James McFloydypants. What do you mean you don't know him? Well, of course you don't, he is in the future, duh!
To continue with the story, I need to tell you more about James McFloydypants. He was born, like most beings, on top of the Himalayas Mountains. What do you mean most beings aren't born on top of the Himalayas? Yes, I was, thank you for asking. Back to the story. It turns out that being born on top of the Himalayas is very dangerous.
Why is being born on the Himalayas dangerous? Well, you see it is very cold up there, and being born cold is, I dunno, umm, bad. It has something to do with constricting the blood flow, I dunno, something bad though. To tell the truth, the whole being born cold thing is not part of the story at all. What is important about James being born on top of the Himalayas is, that his mother, like most mothers who bare children on top of the Himalayas, left young James up there. His mother left him up there to fend for his own food, shelter, and just about everything. Luckily, or unluckily for us in the past, James was found and taken in by some Hippies. Yes, there are Hippies in the future.
Even in the future the Hippies are veggie loving, meat hating, little sons of, but that's not important. Well, anyways these Hippies took James in and taught him there free loving, although James didn't get very much FREE loving, veggie eating, protesting ways. Well James and his parents did the usual Hippie things, they protested, and protested, then they protested some more. They protested the War of 2118. You are not familiar with the War of 2118? Oh well, you will find out about it some time or another. So James and his parents did this for awhile, until James realised that he needed a job. He didn't want just any job, he wanted to be the ruler of Earth. This of course, was a very easy thing to accomplish, all he did was stage a hunger strike. He wouldn't eat until all the countries in the world unanimously agreed that James was cool and their leader.
Well, James got tired of just being the ruler of the world, and decided he should branch out, do more things, be adventurous, so he started his own company. Actually, the real reason he started his own company was because he liked the letters CEO. James always thought CEO McFloydypants sounded awesome. So his company became a monolopy on everything. So technically, anyone that worked in the company was a very powerful person indeed, but this theory lacks because James was the only person that worked at his company. So, James became CEO, President, Vice-President, Assistant Directory of Financing, Mail-Clerk, and Ruler of the Earth, but just like any CEO, or big wig, he bored easily. He would sit around and dream of his Hippie days. His boredom would soon change the history the Earth forever.
James would perform experiments on food when he got bored. He tried changing Oranges to Apples, but that ,just like Alchemy, was a failure. So he turned to Asparagus, the most hated veggie in the world, for his sick experiments. Finally, James created his perfect Asparagus. It looked like a normal Asparagus and smelt like a normal Asparagus, but if you refused to eat it, it would slap you repeatedly. It wasn't that the Asparagus's slap was hard, it just got annoying after awhile. So, finally people would get fed up and eat the nasty veggie. I bet you are wondering why people would keep buying the Asparagus. Well, the answer is very, very, very, simple, if you did not buy Asparagus every week, James would send his secret police to "persuade" you to buy it.
Well, the people of Earth soon got tired of this Asparagus crap. They decided to take action, against it. They all got together one night, secretly of course. What do you mean all the people in Earth coudn't get together in one place? Listen, I am the one typing this story. I know what I am doing. Anyways, all the people in the Earth wished upon a shooting star, and sent the evil Asparagus to the past. This is how we got Asparagus. They just magically appeared in the past one day. So that is why Asparagus is evil. What do you mean that doesn't explain anything? What? You do not like how it ends? It doesn't matter it is my story.
By:greatbananaking
