In Other Words
Created | Updated Oct 10, 2003
Ya know what I like? Hamsters. They're cute and cuddly, ooshy-mooshy and I could just eat them all up... literally.
See, my little brother has a hamster and therefore I've been experiencing life with the rascally rodent. After much time, concentration, wee-wee accidents in my hand, and bite marks on my thumbs, it has been my conclusion that hamsters HATE humans. I mean, they'd have to:
MAN: Oh, cuddly wuddly hamster wamster! Does hamster wamster want a seedie weedie?
HAMSTER: (In hamster talk) No, I don't want another fricking seed you moron. Now leave me alone.
I mean, it makes perfect sense. I bet the rolly-ball really torks them off.
MAN: Oh, does hamster want in his ballie wallie to rollie pollie?
HAMSTER: Oh God. The ball. Yes, I'm so excited. I greatly enjoy running around in that crappy plastic hellsphere. The view is lovely. I'm glad it makes you slightly amused you astoundingly stupid excuse for a representative of the human race.
I bet hamsters are extremely sarcastic. But, just like humanity, there are a few less-than-bright hamsters. One taco short of a combination plate. Not the brightest crayon in the box. Not exactly your... *smack* sorry.
HAMSTER 1: Oh crap. Binky got the ball again. I hope they remember to keep him away from the stairs this time.
BINKY: WHEEEEEE! Man, I LOVE this ball! I feel so free! So... so...
HAMSTER 1: Binky, the STAIRS!
BINKY: so... so...* thunk thunk thunk thunk (halfway down the stairs, Binky gets so excited about his new-found way to run the rolly-ball that he does the wee-wee of excitement right there in the ball with him) thunk thunk thunk crack! thump thump thump thump splat.*
This is why I truly believe hamsters hate us all. I bet Hamstertropolis has their own hamster Hitler who has radical plans of purging the world of the human race. If only we weren't 100 times their size... a mere minor drawback. I'm seriously considering opening up my own hamster world. I'd call it 'El Casa de Hamster1'. It will be a beautiful grassy meadow full of plastic hamster funnels, pellets of food in tiny glass dishes, waterfalls flowing with cool water and Berry Blast Kool-Aid. The hamsters won't have names, oh no. They'll all be equals. If they want to call anyone anything, they'd call them 'friend' or 'comerade'.
I'd have commercials for El Casa de Hamster. 'Come to El Casa de Hamster and live out your hamstery dreams'. I'll say in a cool, calming voice as hamsters bound and play in slow motion behind me, high-fiving each other, playing croquet and practicing the saxophone. It'll be beautiful. They'll have clubs and meetings like the Chess Club, the Ancient Greek Club, and Woodworking Club. Soon the hamsters will begin to realize that, in their numbers, they could overpower the humans. They'll adopt the line, 'four legs good, two legs bad' and eventually brutally murder their way to global domination. *sigh*, those wacky hamsters.
The thing that most astounds me about hamsters is the amount of food that they can stuff in their cheeks. It's mind-boggling. I swear I've seen a hamster fit two VW beetles and a commercial airliner in their cheek pouches. As a side note, I bet baby hamsters look just like jellybeans. I've never seen one, it's just my guess.
Hamsters are confusing creatures. They forced me to ponder the following ponder-induced questions:
- Do hamsters dream?
- How much wood would a hamster chuck if a hamster could chuck wood?
- Are hamsters at all related to Mickey Mouse?
- If so, can they get me a discount pass into Disney Land?
- Does Barbie have a pet hamster? Does it try to eat Baby Kelly?
- Would hamsters like Macoroni and Cheese?
Mysterious creatures, those hamsters.
My little brother has been spouting out random hamster facts at me, so out of respect for him, I shall give you a
Hamster Fact O' the Day:
Hamsters are nocturnal.
*applause* Thank you, Thank you. Now, friends and comerades, join with me in the timeless Casa de Hamster theme song, 'El Casa de Hamster Theme Song'.
'El Casa de Haaaaaaaaamsteeeeeeeer! El Casa de Haaaaaaaamsteeeeeeer! El Casa de Haaaaaaamsteeeeeer! dum dum da dum!'
Your little h2g2'er,
