In Other Words

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In Other Words by Amy the Ant

Stupid foetuses! I should have killed you off when I had the


Not all foetuses mind you, just two in particular. Yep, when it comes to my little sisters, I'm definitely pro-abortion. Ok, maybe not abortion... um... we'll say pro-slavery in some far-off third world country whose prominent crops are grapes and prosthetic legs.

Since the beginning of time, man has had to endure the painstaking task of ridding themselves of their siblings. By some freak coincidence, I came across1 an actual conversation between a caveman (caveman 1) and his younger sibling (sibling).

Caveman 1: Mugglebuffmuf (Get out of my cave)

Sibling: Grogmmffle (Bite me)

Caveman 1: Mf! mis wafflegroggle! (Hey, that's my PHONE!2)

Sibling: Bumbumdogpuf (I'm telling mom!)

Caveman 1: AAAAH!

Sibling: AAAAH!

As you can see, younger siblings were obviously left off God's '10 plagues' list, being the lesser-known number eleven. Locusts? Blood? Gnats? WHAT?! That's no PLAGUE! How about two little sisters stampeding around the house in swimsuits and flip-flops singing 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' and fwapping you with their beach towels. Now that's true terror.

Despite their evident lack of usefulness, my little siblings are quite knowledgeable. Their areas of study include Annoyance, Loudness, Screaming, Breaking things, and Sticking hotdogs up their noses3. All of which they are VERY

experienced in. Instead of naming off every single thing they do that gets my goat, I'll just focus on my number one pet peeve and babble on about it complaining and whining until your ears bleed, because I seem to be quite good at that. So here's my topic:

My Room:

Now, the key word here is 'my', meaning 'mine'4. As in not yours? As in STAY THE FRICK OUT?! Now that message is pretty clear to you, my intellectual reader, right? So it should be clear to my little sisters as well, who have the fortunate privilege to be swimming in my gene pool, right? Yeah... clear as a cement wall. One simple 'Ey, you, outta my room' won't suffice, oh NO! What is usually required is loud taunting vocals, ('Whatchoo doin' up in here, foo?!') and an intimidating demeanour ('Oooh, girl, you don't get up outta here I'm gonna bust me a cap!'). Unfortunately my ebonics aren't quite up to snuff, being white and all, so this is what I settle for.







ME: Hey, don't touch that!


ME: *smack*

SISTER: *smack*

ME: *smack*


Let's take a poll. All those who think I'M the one who gets punished in this situation say 'aye.' Well you would be correct, Bob. Why? Who knows. Some mystical brain powers younger siblings have over parents. My little sisters could tie the dog to the roof of the van, feed him cheese, then parade around town yelling 'IT'S THE FART MOBILE!' And I'd get in trouble for leaving the garage door open behind them. Gack.

Ok, so maybe they get on my nerves a lot, but it's nothing a little valium and advanced military weaponry can't fix! No, I do love my sisters, despite their downsides. I marvel at how intelligent they are for their ages, and when I see them lounging on the couch reading a
book for hours on end, I can't help but be reminded of me when I was little. I think everyone should have a little sister; they teach you respect, responsibility, loving, nurturing, PATIENCE, and give you a healthy anger management problem. Plus they won't doot in your slippers like an ordinary pet would!

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm XLMB2144734t3 5238235o8542 going to JESSIE GET OFF THE KEYBOARD! NO I WILL NOT PLAY MONOPOLY WITH YOU! AAAAAH!

hello i am jessie katie is a big stupid head she is dummer than a rok. good bye

Your Little h2g2'er,

Darth Zaphodsmiley - planet

In Other Words


12.06.03 Front Page

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1i.e. made up2This is of course based on the assumption that cavemen had phones... whether they did or didn't is pure theory.3Don't ask.4or 'my'

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