Hullo, ma names Julian. Ah actually prefer the name Fang, but ma owner, Jane, the stupit wumman, decidet that ma name wiz Julian. Ah mean, whit sort o a name is that fur a gadge eh? Whit haird Julians dae you ken? Onybody that mentions Clarey gets a guid kickin.

What follez here is an accoont o a day in the life o this countries top chinchilla. If ye think that just cause Ah’m only the size o a wee rabbit that Ah’ve got nae claim tae this title then think again, Ah’ve aready proved that. The blood o the last gadge that tried tae tak ma title wuz a bastard tae get oot o ma white fur. Onyway, this day wuz a very special day, the day ma life changed.

Jane hud a few o her mates aroond fur a bit o a sesh wan night. There were some very ripe wummin there ready fur ma charms. Ah’m no fussy, if it’s female Ah’ll hae a go. Well mibbes no spiders. Ah thoucht Ah’d launch the auld charm offensive . Ye ken, look cute then before ye ken, wahey.

The etmusphere in the flat wuz thick wi smoke. Ah wuz just stairtin tae get a wee bit o a buzz when Ah noticed sumthin oan the flair. Ah saunters ower, past oh the wummin passin the smoke roond. Ah takes a wee sniff roond the thing, it wuz just a wee black cube. It did smell a wee bit like the smoke in the room.

Nae sooner than Ah’d decidet that Ah wuz goin tae hae a wee nibble, Esmerelda, the psycho cat, decides she wants it. Ah’m haird enough but no bloody stupit so Ah lets her hae it. The silly bugger didnae even leave ez a crumb. Ah wuz no happy. Ah turns roond, sticksma erse in her pus and swagger back tae ma bed.

A wee while later, there’s a this cuffuffle aboot the cat likes. Ah hears Jane sayin that the cat’s stoned and gettin the vet. Poetic justice or whit eh? Eventually, Esmerelda staggers acrass tae her food, and Ah’ve never seen her pit so much awa as she did then. Jane even stairted makin pizza fur her. Whit happened tae the vet eh?

Esmerelda eventually settles back intae her bed and Ah’ll tell ye this fur nuthin, it must hae been wan e the maist uncumfirtible positions she wiz in, erse in the air and paws aw oor the place. Ah’ve nevir heard her purr so much tho.

Eftir a while Jane leaves tae gahn tae the bog and wan o her mates stairts lookin at ez funny. Nice wan Jules Ah thocht, yer well in there son. Then she stairts talking aboot gein me a blawback. This is gettin better and better.

This wumman gets wan o the ethirs tae huld us, Ah thoucht a threesome wuz oan offer, nae problemo tae me likes. Onyway, she huz wan o they fags in her hand, turns it roond and sticks the red end intae her mooth. Bit oh a masochist Ah thoucht, guid joab Ah’m open minded.

She raises ma heid tae her mooth and blaws. Aw this smoke gahns up ma nose. Ah couldnae breath. Before Ah ken whit ah’m dain, Ah’m oan ma hind legs and gein her a golden shoower. Jane walks back in then and sterts fussin ower us, eskin us tae tell mummy whay dun it and aw that crap she normally gies us.

Eventually though, she pits ez doon. Ma hieds relly buzzin noo. Ah feel like laffin at awthin. Eftir a while though, ah just get very chilled oot. This wuz cool, nae bother. The munchies come though, so ah polishes aff ma food, then falls asleep.

Ah wakes up thinkin that wiznae half bad. Noo, whenever Miss Blawback’s in, Ah ayways gahn across tae get a toke. It is eftir aw, a Chinchillas life.