Hoover, I got something for ya. My wife was out at Bertolluciani's with some of her friends
the other day, and one of them ... I don't know, Ada or Marge ... I can never tell one from the
other, but anyway one of them mentions that she was gettin' her hair done by this new stylist
guy from Europe, and this guy tells her about this weird new food kinda thing which is really
popular with his folks back over there. Now, you know, these stylist guys, they're always
talkin' weird stuff about food and gymnastics. I'm sure you boys have got all the transcripts
right? Heck I mean, that stuff's gotta be funnier than Bob Hope at the Las Vegas Hilton, or it

would be if anyone could understand it...

So, sure, Ada, or Marge or Betty or whoever it goddam was, she's sittin' there thinking, '
Gee, this guy from Europe sure does talk kinda funny ' when suddenly, I mean, really,
suddenly, he just whips one out right there in front of her, plonks it just inches away from her
nose and asks her to sink her teeth into it. I mean, the guy didn't even ask her to fill out a
form or nuthin'. She says she was, like, terrified. This thing was all kinda green. It was round
and it had something sticking out the top. So, she's starin' at it and this guy from Europe is
looking at her and she just stands up and says in her 'I'm loud and I'm proud' voice ' Look
here, Mister, I don't know what in the heck that thing is and I sure 'aint gonna eat it and if
you were a proper gentleman you'd take it and put it right back where it came from! '

Now, you know me, Hoover. Heck, you probably even know what I call my favourite golf club!
And, just to note, it 'aint 'Wilbur the Dilbur' like the guys at the club house all think. And,
Hoover, you're a man of the world too. I can tell. Between you and me, we know that the ladies,

you know, they can sometimes go kinda funny and think that they're hat stands until you go to
Sachs and buy them a teddy bear and call it 'Mr Jingles'. So, I'm kinda thinkin' that Marge
or Ada has made all this stuff up, but then my wife says no, she's heard of this food type thing

too. She's read about it in National Geographic. And get this, Hoover, it doesn't come in a bun

or nuthin'. It don't have no artificial flavours even and it you put ketchup on it, it just winds
up tasting like the hind end of a gerkhin that's been in the sun too long.

And, now you're gonna laugh at this one, this stuff apparently grows on trees. It grows there
and then, when it falls of, they just pick it up off the ground and eat it. I mean, no factories,
or big sixteen wheel trucks or nuthing. Is that suspicious or what? And these European guys
say they eat this stuff, yeah right. They sure as heck come over here and frighten our women
folk with it. I don't like it Hoover. I don't like it one little bit. These things, Hoover, they're
called 'Apples'. That's pronounced 'Appel' not 'Aplu'. Get on to it and investigate. I want the
report on my desk by morning.

Transcript from an email sent by J Edgar Hoover Jr. head of the F.B.I. to
U.S. President George W Bush, concerning the national threat from apples.

Sir,

'Apples' are small, round and green. They do not contain any form of high explosive. They are
ninety-seven per-cent non-addictive, and consequently do not feature very highly in the
narcotics smuggling trades. They are freely available in most European countries, but
especially in France, Belgium, Togo and Switzerland. We are capable of tracking them by
satellite, if you wish us to do so.

Some concerns have been raised about the use of apples in bribery rings throughout the
European education system. According to our sources, namely the 'Jack and Jane go to
School' books, which are freely available in Sweden, Burma and Lichtenstein, some pupils
attempt to win favours from teachers by leaving apples on the desk for the teacher to consume

at a later stage. We are monitoring the situation here. Another cause of concern is the use of
apples in protection rackets against doctors. A source has stated that 'an apple a day keeps
the doctor away', which we can only assume to be some kind of oddball mafia code. My guess is

that doctors are being forced to pay armed gangs of apple sellers in order to remain in
business. I've seen a picture of a European doctor's waiting room, sir. It 'aint pretty. I
recommend that we invade Italy.

We have also discovered a politically important side effect of the apple. Apparently, they are

responsible for gravity. That's the stuff that keeps us on the earth, sir. An informer has
demonstrated that this guy called Issac Newt (Gee, they've got some funny kinda communist
names over there) discovered gravity came from apples when one fell on his head. I need
hardly underline the threat, sir. If some rogue terrorist group gains control of the apple
supply industry, they could have us all floating in space by lunch time. I recommend that we
drop leaflets over Bruges and open another McDonalds in Paris.

P.S. And you can stop buggin' us about this 'Hannibal the Cannibal' guy, sir. That was all made
up. He isn't real. So you don't need the extra padlock on the Whitehouse cat flap.

Dr Funderlik's Regular Grunt
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