Fear skates close to the edge in...

as small school children are forced to remove the brass edges from their foot rules, their lines are then judged to be fuzzy. Statements from the School Authorities indicate that a higher grade of string will be allowed to be used as soon as a non-dangerous alternative to push-pins is found...

In other news...

The valve bodies of certain cast products found on some high-speed...

...cracked beyond all repair, the piping in the protected property will have to be removed and replaced by appropriately costumed plumbing contractors using tools of the period and receiving pay commensurate with the period during which the building was built.

Three sets of twins set to divide the cast in new "Survivor: Siblings Gone Wild" TV serial...

The voting in the recent UnPOPular Singer contest will be reviewed for bias...

...as soon as cracks began to appear in the facade, the plastic tree surgeon was summoned. It is the third time this year that vandals have refused to help in the restoration process...

Previously ignored scripts from the BBC4 programme "You Should Have Been Awake" have been burned without protest by anyone except the fire brigade, who wanted to watch...

A new form of tire has been developed that will remove itself from the wheel if the driver is perceived to be drunk. Unfortunately, the vehicle has to be going at least...

The wig factory had been in business for fifty years before the bleach factory next door had a burst holding tank and flooded the premises.

Finally, the new opening of the old museum will be held in the near future, after the car park is uncovered from the affects of the recent mudslide that caused an entire half a shire to move 3/4s of an inch to the left. Royal Ordnance maps will be adjusted accordingly.

This has been the Size O'clock Knees.