VOID FRUITCAKE: #6 Kick the Kicker of the Kicked

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This episode is sixth in the VF series. To read the fifth episode click
on to VF #5: Blast From the Past

Kick the Kicker of the Kicked
The ship froze. The blue light was still blue. Good.. The interior of
the ship was now showing signs of molosis, the state of being rusty after
constant molecule-bust time travel. There really wasn't any Himalayan Dew for
these ships.

"Awaiting confirmation..." Major Tom relayed the computer's message.

"What the hell does it need confirmation for? To get out of this dumb blue
chamber? What, we want to live here now or something?!" Birk made his point heard

"No stupid..." Tommy Boy had to kick in, "It's awaiting confirmation to pass
the GUEST port and move onto CUSTOMER port."

"Hmm... things change fast around here, don't they? The last time we were here
two hyperdays later, they didn't have this system." It was Herald Fehrald
(what!?) who thought aloud this time...

"Strange..." all sang in chorus (where did they learn this you ask? No idea.)

While their minds raced in no real track, with no real opponent and infact, no
real race, they got nowhere. The Gravel X42 Spaceship now slowly moved across
the magnetic platform to a halt near the doorway and ceased to move any further
without some kind of Dew. It added it din't care what kind... though there
was only one kind.

"Ahem... This is Major Thomas making use of his Speech plugin. The ship says
four hyperdays back in RATS is enough and it wants Himalayan Dew..." A sharp
click was heard, after which an alright!-alright! kind of buzz
followed,"... Make that, any Dew."

"Holy Hammerfall! Four Hyperdays! The offset was supposed to be zero. By sword,
where are we?!" Gariel liked swords.

"Let me correct the confusion... Hi, I'm Bond... Grames Bond" The approaching
mop announced.

"Oh good. See, it seems you made a mistake," Herald tried to explain.

"Really? Oh god. I really thought my name was Grames Bond. Let me try again.
Hi, I'm Bo..."

"NO NO NO!!! We dont care!" Birk shouted.

"Oh well... thank you" the mop looked around. It was probably on one of its
look-left-as-well-as-look-right-at-the-same-time routines.

"See this RATS-M, this memo..." Sigmund handed it to Bond.

"Oh dear... there IS a mistake."

"See... the date is mi..." Herald was interrupted.

"My name seems to be Gravel X42!" the mop announced with visible curiosity and
bewilderment. It did it look-left-as-well-as-look-right-at-the-same-time

"NO NO NO!!!" Birk had a deja-vu. "The thing is - two hyperdays later,
we arrived from two hyperdays later to get something you had two hyperdays
later. So, coming was a mistake. We asked to you send as back two hyperdays
later, but you sent us two hyperdays in the past. And now we're two hyperdays
behind the day we came to get the Nutron Core!"

"Ah, so you need to go back two hyperdays, eh?" The mop inquired.

"NO!" They all shouted in chorus (spectacular event, i tell you). "We need to
go forward four hyperdays!"

"But you just came from there..." the mop held a confused look on his face, if
that what it was. The closest guess, atleast.

"THAT'S THE WHOLE FREAKING POINT!" Tommy Boy cleared the matter.

"Oh I see. Alright... here we go," the mop did some things on his dimly lit
machine as it whined, and then stuck out a paper tongue. "There, that's the new
RATS-M! I'm Gravel X42 and... no, I'm Grames Spacey. No wait! I'm Bond, Grames
Bond and I'd like you to glide your spaceship in the lot marked 'M-O-U..." it
was interrupted by a sudden flurry of chorused spellers.

"M-O-U-S-E. WE KNOW!" the chorus seemed to say.

"Oh dear... no. It says M-O-U-S-T-A-C-H-E.
What the heck does it matter now? They returned to the ship and someone
remembered something very important! That very someone who remembered something
important, went somewhere to get something for someone who really needed that
something. The someone who someone else had rememberd to get something for resided
in a blue chamber. It was pathetically named 'Gravel X42 Spaceship'.

Inside the blue chamber, things started to happen. Things that were distinct
and easily noticable. For one, the blue chamber wasn't really blue anymore. It
was Pink. Florescent pink. Slowly, the lights grew darker, and darker until they
reached the state of not being 'light' anymore, and went below that so that
everything looked negatively depressing. The usual instructions had been changed
too. They now said, "KICK THE KICKER OF KICKED" because it thought it liked
alliterration - failing, again, pathetically.
The whole chamber now was.. nothing really, there was no chamber anymore.
Things were now slowing down. After about an incomprehensible ammount of time,
though, there WAS no time. Everything 'material' was at a standstill. Organic
stuff weren't.

"Holy Horsey! Where are we?" Sigmund whispered, which ammounted to a shout
relatively to the sound outside.

"A black hole, not really black you if you'd wanted to know..." he didn't and
Major Tom's information was left ignored. For the good, of course. From
somewhere far, the tune of 'Leon the Black Hole' by Electro Ray was heard. The
bass, especially, was terribly terrific!

"You know what?" Gabriel said matter-of-factly, "We should do the world a

"And...?" a chorus again.

"And Kick Grames Bond!"

This has been the sixth episode of the Void Fruitcake series
titled VF #6: Kick the Kicker of the Kicked. For a list of all
episodes, go to Darkwin's Personal

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