Tom Green Chronicles Mark II
Created | Updated Apr 30, 2003
We will not be seeing Arwen Evenstar in my parody. Instead we shall go straight to the
source (oh yes, oh yes we will) to the Good Book (I speak not of the all holy Guide), to The
Fellowship of the Ring, and we take the character that really should have saved Frodo's (or in
my case, Jade's) bum, one Glorfindel of Rivendell. Mostly because I like him better, and it
works far better with my continuity, and Firefly's my boyfriend, by Numenor! Not Liv
Tyler's, mine! (You hear that Liv!? Stay away!) ...And stuff like that. So if you feel the need to
comment on this or anything else, please feel free to comment at the bottom of the page, or
e-mail me, or go to my personal space and whine at me there. (Really it might actually make me
feel loved. Please by all means do.)
Oh, and before I forget, the part of Glorfindel will be played by Keanu Reeves. Enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~At Rocket HQ…~
*A venomoth flies up to James, who catches it, whispers stuff to it, and sets it free again.*
*Forges bubble and brew (and stuff!). There is much with pounding on swords and Pokéballs
and pottery making and suchlike. And of course a whole gaggle of Mewtwos being dug out of
what appears to be strawberry jam. As one Mewtwo in particular is dug out of the jelly, it
grabs the nearest neck of the nearest Pokémon, crushes it's neck with the
Force1, and then stretches
nonchalantly. Giovanni looks on lovingly (Lustily even. Which is kind of gross 'cos he's a dirty
old anime guy with an eye patch.).*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jade: *Looking generally clammy, cold and unwell. She is standing, but wobbling and weaving
quite a bit.*
Sera: *checking Jade's temperature with the back of her hand* Jade?
Jade: *******...
Sera: Someone get this girl a blanket... she's so cold she's speaking in tongues...
Segue: Japanese ones by the sound of it...
Link: Is she gonna die?
Firefly: ...She'll soon become a Rider like them. *makes a face* ...And by the looks of it she's
going to be the Pestilence we never had…
Jade: *makes small screaming noises*
War: *makes screechy noise again*
Death: STOP THAT, DANGIT.
War: Sorry...
Segue: ...They’re close.
Link: I just hear jingling...
Firefly: *looks up* Jingling?
*They all strain to hear, and indeed a faint jingling can be heard and seems to be growing
nearer. Hooves can be heard growing neigh2. A voice shouts.*
Glorfindel: Vini vidi vicci Martian! Mae govannen!
Firefly: Sweet… *he moves off toward the voice and comes back shortly afterward with a tall
dark pointy-eared personage of the elf persuasion who might or might not answer to the name
of Glorfindel. Let's assume for now, at least, that he does.*
Glorfindel: *slaps Firefly five, and they proceed to do some sort of extremely complicated
secret handshake*
Jade: *sinks to the ground (in what might be ecstasy from the sight of such a pretty-looking
elf-person, but what is more likely fatigue, pain and general discomfort.)*
Glorfindel: *catches her as she does so, looks into her face gravely* Woah… Dude, your
girlfriend is most goddeslike...
Firefly: That's 'cos she is a Goddess.
Glorfindel: *raises an eyebrow* *****?3
Firefly: *****.
Firefly: the Riders ambushed us... War stabbed her in the shoulder with this…*hands him the
hilt of the knife which he has conveniently saved from chapter fifteen*
Glorfindel: There's some creepy stuff on this hilt, dude, I bet you can’t see 'em tho. Hang onto
it until we get to Elrond's pad, kay dude?
Link: ...But I thought we were going to see Elvis!
Segue: *elbows him in the ribs*
Link: Ow...
Glorfindel: *raises an eyebrow but goes on undaunted* Watch it, Firefly. Handle it with kid
gloves and such. *staring at the stab wound on Jade's shoulder* I can't fix this... I haven't got
any bactine! I'll do what I can with my Neosporin and all, but you had better get to Elrond's
with much haste. *pokes the wound*
Jade: *feels the chill and pain in her arm lessen somewhat*
Glorfindel: Most excellent Jade, you shall take my most excellent horse. I realise that you are
most heinously not as tall as I, so I will shorten the straps, O Godlike one.
Jade: Um, nothing against you, Glorfindel, but your horse looks a bit unwilling...
Glorfindel: Fear not fair one. My horse will not throw you. At least not too hard. And he's
really really fast. I mean like, whoosh kind of fast. Super-fast, even. You may see a train or
something and go 'Hey, that’s pretty fast,' but that's just peanuts to Asfalot-
Firefly: *elbows him in the ribs*
Glorfindel: ...*! ****** ******!
Firefly: Wuss...
Jade: Oh no, he won't! I won’t ride him to Rivendell or anywhere else. I won't leave my friends
behind and in danger.
Glorfindel: Cha, your friends in danger. Look, most righteous babelike Goddess, your friends
will be all right. You have the gauntlet, see? That’s what the Riders are after. If all goes to
plan they should follow you, which is heinous I know, but hey. We’ll be cool.
Firefly: *to Glorfindel* *** ********? ****** ** *****. (Are you joking? The road is too
dangerous.)
Glorfindel: *** * ******* **** ***** ***. (Shaddup. The power of my people will protect
her.)
Firefly: You're certain?
Glorfindel: *shrugs, rolls his eyes* *** **** **** **** **** **** *****. (Fairly sure. I
mean, she's a Goddess, after all. If nothing else, Asfaloth here is very fast.) *he pats the
horse, which whinnies happily*
Link: What are they saying?
Segue: I think he just said ‘you are ugly and your mother dresses you funny…’4
Sera: Shh!
Glorfindel: *helps Jade up on horse*
Firefly: Jade... Ride hard. Don’t look back.
Glorfindel: *smacks horse on the rump* Ride like the wind, Asfaloth!
Asfaloth: *looks generally displeased* I hope you understand that that particular course of
action was highly unnecessary... *runs away*
Jade: Ne?
Glorfindel: Woah... My horse talks...
Sera: What do you think you're doing?
*enter the chase scene*
*at the river*
War: Give it up, Goddess.
Jade: You want me, you better bring it…! *says spell for the water to go all
all mad and turn to horses. And the water does the convenient thing and indeed goes all
all mad and turns to horses, which run both respective Riders down and very neatly and conveniently washes them away.*
Jade: *for the sake of continuity, promptly faints*
Asfaloth: Well that's a trifle inconvenient... *runs off to Rivendell anyway, though with a touch
more care as he has an unconscious goddess on his back* ...Brain the size of a planet...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yallume! (At last!) I am finished. You lot know, this chapter took three rewrites? That's insane,
by the way. At least I can say that I'm diligent, you know? ;-)
Tom Green Chronicles Mark II
Archive
I, so why can I have a Pokémon use the Force, eh?2 As far as I understand, the only ones
that cam properly 'grow neigh' are elves. Because 'growing neigh' (as opposed to its cousin
'growing near,') is just a very elvish thing to do.3 Japanese for 'Really
now?'4
And indeed he did. I was just a bit flowery with the initial 'translation.'
