Space Dracula's Plan for America: Brienomics
Created | Updated Apr 28, 2003
The Brienomics Plan
The United States of America has, as of late, faced an onslaught of difficulties of all sorts.
- The American economy has slipped into a recession.
- Bush is in the White House.
- Space Dracula is not Supreme Leader of the Universe.
- Whatever else you think needs correction.
After hundreds of hours of research, interviews, work, and general stress, I have compiled my Brienomics Plan for America.
The plan is composed of five points--aimed at correcting the ills of our government and society--and three so-called "nubs", aimed at preventing or at very least discouraging future socio-economic faults of the nature that the points are aimed at repairing.
The Points:
- Terraformation of the planet Mars, with it eventually being transformed into a death camp.
- The carving of a gigantic smiley face into the surface of the moon.
- Every town of more than 1000 people must have at least one giraffe in an official city government position of absolute power. Alternatively, the opponents and proponents of the proposed vote could have a "ring toss" in which they throw large plastic rings over the neck of the giraffe. The first side to make five rings wins. If five rings are not made in 30 seconds, a 30-second "sudden death" round will begin, with the first ring to make it over the giraffe's neck deciding the vote.
- Mandatory twice-daily homosexual sodomy (in the case of females, use of "props") for all members of politically influential religious organizations, especially for the so-called Religious Right. Any members of these organizations who would enjoy such treatment will be punished alternatively. Note that the purpose of this is not to please what sadistic homo-rape fantasies you may now think I have, but to strike fear in the hearts of the intensely homophobic Religious Right.
- Mandatory education in the Sikh martial art of Gatka, adapted to canine physiology, for all police dogs.
The Nubs:
- All happy people must wear black; all depressed/angry people, pink.
- The President, Supreme Court justices, and all Congressmen and aides will be taken from power and converted to leather/latex/bondage slaves for qualifying San Franciscans. Any potential slaves that would enjoy such treatment will be punished in a way not fitting their sexual desires. This corresponds roughly to Point Number Four.
- All people named Clarence, Troy, Tray, Cletus, or any other name beginning with Cl or Tr will be contained in forced labor camps, growing food for the rest of the population.
Thank your for your time. You may now resume eating your sandwich.
