Quotes that Amuse Two Bit
Created | Updated Jan 13, 2004
Now see here buddy. You're not dealing with any dumb two bit trigger pumping morons with low hairlines, little piggy eyes and no conversation. No. We're a couple of intelligent caring guys who you'd probably like if you met us socially. -Shooty and Bang Bang
But I think Deep Impact and Armageddon has taught us something. If Earth is being threatened by an asteroid, send out real astronauts to deal with it, not Hollywood actors. - Xanatic
Police work gives you the test first, then the lesson - Senior Trooper Robert Dent Oregon SP
You don't have to like it, just do it.
We don't have a town drunk, we take turns. -Garrison Keiler
No shit, there I was knee deep in expended law tubes. Hadn't shot a thing all day. It was three against three thousand, and they were the toughest three we ever faced. -Modified traditional story; credit to Brian Omara, Ron Cohen, and John Paramore.
Prostitution is a combination of sex and free enterprise. Which of those two are you opposed to? - Unknown
From Random House Dictionary
na-tive (na'tiv), adj. ... 6. being so at one's birth: a native American. ... [<l nativ (us) inborn, natural = nat (us) born + -ivus -ive ; r. ME natif < MF]
There is no hunting like the hunting of armed men, and those that have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.- Ernest Hemingway
You furnish the pictures and I'll furnish the war. - William Randolph Hearst
This will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. - Elmer Davis
An opinion can be argued with; a conviction is best shot. - T E Lawrence
Not believing in force is the same as not believing in gravity. - Leon Trotsky
I had an instructor in Trooper School who used to say, "If you are a good Trooper who does all the things he knows is right. If you put in an honest shift every day and know that you really did your best. If you stand up for what you believe in and never waiver...The good Lord will deliver you a maggot you can take from this earth."
Speak softly and carry a big stick. - Theodore Roosevelt
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Johnny Carson
Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum.
Let him who desires peace, prepare for war. - Vegetius
Give the orders sir and I will lay siege to hell. - General 'Mad' Anthony Wayne
Fighting for peace is like f**king for chastity.
The longer deterrence succeeds, the more difficult it is to demonstrate what made it work. - Henry Kissenger
When speaking of democracy, do you place the stress on the "dim", the "mock" or the "crass".
Courage is the compliment of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (He is also a fool.) - Robert Heinlein
To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace. - George Washington
Domestic policy can only defeat us; foreign policy can kill us. - John F Kennedy
If the people raise a howl against my barbarity and cruelty, I will answer that war is war, and not popularity-seeking. If they want peace, they and their relatives must stop the war. - General William Sherman
The military don't start wars. The politicians start wars. - General William Westmoreland
If a country is worth living in, it is worth fighting for. - Manning Coles
War hath no fury like a non-combatant. - C E Montague
Every attempt to make war easy and safe will result in humiliation and disaster. - General William Sherman
Ah! The Generals! They are numerous but not good for much! - Aristophanes
In my experience . . . officers with high athletic qualifications are not usually successful in the higher ranks. - Winston Churchill
An army can not be administered. It must be led. - Franz Joseph Strauss
Paper-work will ruin any military force. Lieutenant General Lewis "Chesty" Puller
A bulky staff implies a division of responsibility, slowness of action, and indecision, whereas a small staff implies activity and concentration of purpose. - General William Sherman
In military affairs, only military men should be listened to. - Theodore Roosevelt
It is a fatal to enter a war without the will to win it. - General Douglas MacArthur
My dear McClellan:
If you don't want to use the Army I should like to borrow it for a while. - Abraham Lincoln
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. - Unknown
It is significant that despite the claims of air enthusiasts no battle ship has yet been sunk by bombs. - Caption to a photograph of the USS Arizona in the Army-Navy football game program, November, 29 1941. (I wonder what BG Billy Mitchell would have thought about that.)
Why should we have an navy at all? There are no enemies for it to fight except apparently the Army Air Force. - General Carl Spaatz
The services in wartime are fit only for desperadoes, but in peace are fit only for fools. - Benjamin Disraeli
The aim of military training is not to prepare men for battle, but to make them long for it. - Louis Simpson
They've got us surrounded again, the poor bastards. - General Creighton W Abrams
Any fool can be brave on a battlefield when it's be brave or else be killed. - Margaret Mead
Frankly, I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry. - Joseph Heller
War is capitalism with the gloves off. - Tom Stoppard
The third peculiarity of aerial warfare was that it was at once enormously destructive and entirely indecisive. - H G Wells
Those who do not go to war roar like lions. - Kurdish proverb
They were never defeated, they were only killed. - Saying about the Foreign Legion
Who dares, wins. - Motto British SAS
There is nothing certain about war except that one side won't win. - Sir Ian Hamilton
Morale is the greatest single factor in successful wars. - Dwight Eisenhower
Never tell a man how to do something. Tell him what to do and let him surprise you with his ingenuity.- Patton
--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
"I better be going. I have to get up sometime tomorrow." -- Jim from "Taxi"
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -- Steven Wright
"What has the study of biology taught you about the Creator, Dr. Haldane?"
JBS Haldane: "I'm not sure, but he seems to be inordinately fond of beetles."
The human spirit is a very hard thing to kill. Even with a chainsaw.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert Einstein
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. When toast is dropped, it always lands butter-side-down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat [butter facing up]. The two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. -- Omni
If an infinite number of rednecks, driving an infinite number of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works, in Braille. -- Omni
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. -- Omni
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. -- Mark Twain
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..." -- Isaac Asimov
Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
Seen on the door to a light-wave lab: "Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments. -- PBS
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. -- Somerset Maugham
Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
People who take issue with control of population do not understand that if it is not done in a graceful way, nature will do it in a brutal fashion. -- H. Kendall
It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years. -- John Von Neumann (ca. 1949)
On western civilization: 'It would be a good idea.' - Mahatma Ghandi
During Adlai E Stevenson's 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E Stevenson 'Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!' Stevenson called back 'That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!'
When it's a choice between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried before. - Mae West
Non illigitamus carborundum - Don't let the bastards grind you down
Life is messy. - Karen Buckman - Parenthood
One Rule to bring them all, one Rule to find them, one Rule to Rule them all and in the darkness bind them... - Jerry Pournelle on the EU
The American lawyer was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large Yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The Lawyer then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Lawyer and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?"
The lawyer laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, senor? Then what?"
The lawyer said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a Professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening.
When she told him what Little Johnny had said, he told her,
"Actually,.... I'm an attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a seven year old???"
I am death, the destroyer of the worlds. - Krishna - Bhagavadgita
Natural laws have no pity. - Robert Heinlein
No state has an inherent right to survive through conscript troops and, in the long run, no state ever has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons: 'Come back with your shield, or on it.' Later on, the custom declined. So did Rome. - Robert Heinlein
Those who refuse to support and defend the state have no right to claim the protection of that state. - Robert Heinlein
I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. - Winston Churchill
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last. - Winston Churchill
Diplomacy is that art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things: the decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feelings which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight: nothing he cares about more than his own personal safety: is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the exertions and blood of better men than himself." - John Stuart Mill
When women go wrong, men go right after them.
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair." -- George Burns
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating. In fourteen days, I lost exactly two weeks. Joe E. Lewis
Democracy us based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than a one man. How's that again? I missed something. -LL
Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man is wiser than a million men. Let's play that over again, too. Who decides? -LL
Referring to policing: "This job is the greatest show on Earth."
(On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Jimmy Shubert
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Emo Philips
When I was a young man in the Old South I was considered a hopeless left winger because I believed the law ought to be color blind. Now that I am somewhat older I am considered a hopeless right winger because I believe the law ought to be color blind. - Jerry Pournelle
Of course, that is the beauty of the profession: legal writing is all about comparing apples to oranges and reasoning why they both are peaches. - Ishmael
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator - Andy Rooney
To understand the workings of American politics, you have to understand this fundamental law: Conservatives think liberals are stupid. Liberals think conservatives are evil. - Charles Krauthammer
You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war!
Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. -Will Rogers
If stupidity got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out. -Will Rogers
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. -Will Rogers
But I think Deep Impact and Armageddon has taught us something. If Earth is being threatened by an asteroid, send out real astronauts to deal with it, not Hollywood actors. - Xanatic
Police work gives you the test first, then the lesson - Senior Trooper Robert Dent Oregon SP
You don't have to like it, just do it.
We don't have a town drunk, we take turns. -Garrison Keiler
No shit, there I was knee deep in expended law tubes. Hadn't shot a thing all day. It was three against three thousand, and they were the toughest three we ever faced. -Modified traditional story; credit to Brian Omara, Ron Cohen, and John Paramore.
Prostitution is a combination of sex and free enterprise. Which of those two are you opposed to? - Unknown
From Random House Dictionary
na-tive (na'tiv), adj. ... 6. being so at one's birth: a native American. ... [<l nativ (us) inborn, natural = nat (us) born + -ivus -ive ; r. ME natif < MF]
There is no hunting like the hunting of armed men, and those that have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.- Ernest Hemingway
You furnish the pictures and I'll furnish the war. - William Randolph Hearst
This will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. - Elmer Davis
An opinion can be argued with; a conviction is best shot. - T E Lawrence
Not believing in force is the same as not believing in gravity. - Leon Trotsky
I had an instructor in Trooper School who used to say, "If you are a good Trooper who does all the things he knows is right. If you put in an honest shift every day and know that you really did your best. If you stand up for what you believe in and never waiver...The good Lord will deliver you a maggot you can take from this earth."
Speak softly and carry a big stick. - Theodore Roosevelt
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Johnny Carson
Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum.
Let him who desires peace, prepare for war. - Vegetius
Give the orders sir and I will lay siege to hell. - General 'Mad' Anthony Wayne
Fighting for peace is like f**king for chastity.
The longer deterrence succeeds, the more difficult it is to demonstrate what made it work. - Henry Kissenger
When speaking of democracy, do you place the stress on the "dim", the "mock" or the "crass".
Courage is the compliment of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (He is also a fool.) - Robert Heinlein
To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace. - George Washington
Domestic policy can only defeat us; foreign policy can kill us. - John F Kennedy
If the people raise a howl against my barbarity and cruelty, I will answer that war is war, and not popularity-seeking. If they want peace, they and their relatives must stop the war. - General William Sherman
The military don't start wars. The politicians start wars. - General William Westmoreland
If a country is worth living in, it is worth fighting for. - Manning Coles
War hath no fury like a non-combatant. - C E Montague
Every attempt to make war easy and safe will result in humiliation and disaster. - General William Sherman
Ah! The Generals! They are numerous but not good for much! - Aristophanes
In my experience . . . officers with high athletic qualifications are not usually successful in the higher ranks. - Winston Churchill
An army can not be administered. It must be led. - Franz Joseph Strauss
Paper-work will ruin any military force. Lieutenant General Lewis "Chesty" Puller
A bulky staff implies a division of responsibility, slowness of action, and indecision, whereas a small staff implies activity and concentration of purpose. - General William Sherman
In military affairs, only military men should be listened to. - Theodore Roosevelt
It is a fatal to enter a war without the will to win it. - General Douglas MacArthur
My dear McClellan:
If you don't want to use the Army I should like to borrow it for a while. - Abraham Lincoln
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. - Unknown
It is significant that despite the claims of air enthusiasts no battle ship has yet been sunk by bombs. - Caption to a photograph of the USS Arizona in the Army-Navy football game program, November, 29 1941. (I wonder what BG Billy Mitchell would have thought about that.)
Why should we have an navy at all? There are no enemies for it to fight except apparently the Army Air Force. - General Carl Spaatz
The services in wartime are fit only for desperadoes, but in peace are fit only for fools. - Benjamin Disraeli
The aim of military training is not to prepare men for battle, but to make them long for it. - Louis Simpson
They've got us surrounded again, the poor bastards. - General Creighton W Abrams
Any fool can be brave on a battlefield when it's be brave or else be killed. - Margaret Mead
Frankly, I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry. - Joseph Heller
War is capitalism with the gloves off. - Tom Stoppard
The third peculiarity of aerial warfare was that it was at once enormously destructive and entirely indecisive. - H G Wells
Those who do not go to war roar like lions. - Kurdish proverb
They were never defeated, they were only killed. - Saying about the Foreign Legion
Who dares, wins. - Motto British SAS
There is nothing certain about war except that one side won't win. - Sir Ian Hamilton
Morale is the greatest single factor in successful wars. - Dwight Eisenhower
Never tell a man how to do something. Tell him what to do and let him surprise you with his ingenuity.- Patton
--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
"I better be going. I have to get up sometime tomorrow." -- Jim from "Taxi"
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -- Steven Wright
"What has the study of biology taught you about the Creator, Dr. Haldane?"
JBS Haldane: "I'm not sure, but he seems to be inordinately fond of beetles."
The human spirit is a very hard thing to kill. Even with a chainsaw.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert Einstein
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. When toast is dropped, it always lands butter-side-down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat [butter facing up]. The two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. -- Omni
If an infinite number of rednecks, driving an infinite number of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works, in Braille. -- Omni
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. -- Omni
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. -- Mark Twain
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..." -- Isaac Asimov
Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
Seen on the door to a light-wave lab: "Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments. -- PBS
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. -- Somerset Maugham
Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
People who take issue with control of population do not understand that if it is not done in a graceful way, nature will do it in a brutal fashion. -- H. Kendall
It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years. -- John Von Neumann (ca. 1949)
On western civilization: 'It would be a good idea.' - Mahatma Ghandi
During Adlai E Stevenson's 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E Stevenson 'Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!' Stevenson called back 'That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!'
When it's a choice between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried before. - Mae West
Non illigitamus carborundum - Don't let the bastards grind you down
Life is messy. - Karen Buckman - Parenthood
One Rule to bring them all, one Rule to find them, one Rule to Rule them all and in the darkness bind them... - Jerry Pournelle on the EU
The American lawyer was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large Yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The Lawyer then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Lawyer and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?"
The lawyer laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, senor? Then what?"
The lawyer said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a Professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening.
When she told him what Little Johnny had said, he told her,
"Actually,.... I'm an attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a seven year old???"
I am death, the destroyer of the worlds. - Krishna - Bhagavadgita
Natural laws have no pity. - Robert Heinlein
No state has an inherent right to survive through conscript troops and, in the long run, no state ever has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons: 'Come back with your shield, or on it.' Later on, the custom declined. So did Rome. - Robert Heinlein
Those who refuse to support and defend the state have no right to claim the protection of that state. - Robert Heinlein
I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. - Winston Churchill
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last. - Winston Churchill
Diplomacy is that art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things: the decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feelings which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight: nothing he cares about more than his own personal safety: is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the exertions and blood of better men than himself." - John Stuart Mill
When women go wrong, men go right after them.
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair." -- George Burns
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating. In fourteen days, I lost exactly two weeks. Joe E. Lewis
Democracy us based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than a one man. How's that again? I missed something. -LL
Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man is wiser than a million men. Let's play that over again, too. Who decides? -LL
Referring to policing: "This job is the greatest show on Earth."
(On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Jimmy Shubert
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Emo Philips
When I was a young man in the Old South I was considered a hopeless left winger because I believed the law ought to be color blind. Now that I am somewhat older I am considered a hopeless right winger because I believe the law ought to be color blind. - Jerry Pournelle
Of course, that is the beauty of the profession: legal writing is all about comparing apples to oranges and reasoning why they both are peaches. - Ishmael
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator - Andy Rooney
To understand the workings of American politics, you have to understand this fundamental law: Conservatives think liberals are stupid. Liberals think conservatives are evil. - Charles Krauthammer
You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war!
Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. -Will Rogers
If stupidity got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out. -Will Rogers
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. -Will Rogers
