How Much Wood Would A Woodchuck Chuck If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood?

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A question that has been asked by both gentle men and scholars throughout the ages. The humble woodchuck* is a beast of unimaginable power, so to answer this question we must look at the factors that would contribute to a woodchuck’s strength.



One (1) Latitude

A woodchuck in pain * is acutely aware of his or her surrounding environment. Ever since the year 1985 all woodchi have had to have steel plates welded to their hindbrains, in order to stop them hearing Bryan Adams songs *. As a result of these metal plates, Woodchi are attuned to the magnetic fields of our planet, and, much like Magneto from X-Men, can harness them to either fight crime or carry out diabolical schemes. And throw wood. So, the further north a woodchuck is, the further it can throw.



Two (2) Peril

Woodchi also have a unique defence mechanism against predators (such as pitchforks). When threatened, the woodchuck has two options.
(i) Take it like a mammal.
(ii) Shout "King Of Fighting!!", at which point the Woodchuck becomes a manga-like superbeast with Chuck Norris-like reflexes and stamina. In this heightened state of aggression, woodchi have been known to destroy plants, cars and even cities.



Three (3) Apathy

This is the woodchuck's only discernible weakness. They just can't be bothered. It takes about 2 weeks of gentle coercing to make a woodchuck chuck the aforementioned 30 cubic litres. Oh well, the fickle hand of fate has dealt yet another of her mysterious cards of fortune.

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