A Guide To Using Your Guide
Created | Updated Mar 6, 2003
Firstly - Your Guide is the most useful thing in the world to you. What ever you do, do not lose it.
This article will look at the top 10 times that your Guide will provide you useful information to get out of a situation. This article will attempt to show that, even in some of the worst situations, your Guide can provide you with hope.
10. You have just been thrown into the vacuum of space.
Guide: If you took a deep breath just before you were thrown out, which you should have, you will be able to survive 29 seconds. After 30 seconds, you will sufficate. You should therefore wait 29 seconds for a spaceship with an infinite improbability drive to come along. If it does not arrive, then you should die in a humourous manner to please one of the many Gods of the universe.9. You are forced to listen to Vogon Poetry.
Guide: Since Vogon poetry is the 3rd worst in the entire galaxy, you should either wear earplugs, or cut your ears of so you can't hear them. The pain of a severed ear is nothing compared to the pain of listening to the poetry.8. You are a Sandwichmaker on some planet somewhere.
Guide: If you are adventurous, then quit your position and go on a trip with Zaphod Beeblebrox. If you are not adventurous, and are instead a boring old geezer - make yourself a sandwich.7. You've lost your digital watch.
Guide: Go to the nearest shop that sells watches and buy yourself a new one. Of course, if the earth has been demolished to make way for a new hyperspace bypass, you have a problem, although you can always go to earth in a different dimension and get a new one.6. Your name is Arthur Dent.
Guide: Don't even try to think about anything at all what so ever. It is all beyond you. Just have a cup of tea and make yourself a sandwich and look at your digital watch and you'll be fine.5. You are bored.
Guide: This is a common problem among humans, which can be solved easily by visiting the Earth website h2g2.4. You are about to be killed by some policemen.
Guide: Have booked a table at the Restaurant at the end of the Universe in the future, so that instead of being killed you will be pulled forward in time to have your meal. And don't forget to put penny in a jar when you get home to pay for the meal.3. You forgot to put a penny in a jar when you got back from the Restaurant at the end of the Universe.
Guide: Get your friend to pay for your meal by putting two pennies in a jar instead of one.2. You are stuck at the front of the cue at MacDonald's and have no money.
Guide: Use the free Big Mac coupon you received by buying this Guide over the internet. If you did not buy this Guide over the internet, you should have.1. Any other problem.
Guide: Look at the cover of this guide - DON'T PANIC!
