Run for the hills, boys, it's a homonym!

We, here at IPR, YFITA, rarely engage in existential dialectics.

Not only can't most of us pronunce it twice in a row, but some of us can't spell it, and other's already have medical problems!

But, it is tempting, at lunch and at tea, to sit and ponder things that lay beneath and beyond our normal gossip and chatter about our families, dogs and, um, medical problems...

And some idiot always brings up those damn monkeys! Y'know, the infinite ones in the room with the typewriters, writing Shakespeare?

Which brings us to the forthcoming show.

Apparently one of the monkeys was kind enough to branch out on his own, or at least, risk a little twigging.
Our eternal thanks to the monk... oops, sorry, Jungian slip! I mean 'writer'... who slipped off the beaten chaff and inveigled this bit of whimsy into our mail slot.

Ladies and health-care invested companions, we present:

"I bought a Vespa without telling my wife!" or "The last of the Roman Conquests, in colour!"

Announcer:

Few radio personalities in the history of the medium

have ever approached the audience in the way Ted Riley has and

few audiences have run as fast as his did.

This evening, Mr. Riley and his famous cast of nobodies will once again fill the airwaves with their particular and peculiar brand of entertainment.

The scene opens on Mr. Riley in his dressing room:


Riley:

Get that microphone and script girl out of here! I'm not decent!


Girl:

Big news! But you better put your clothes on.

SFX: Door shutting


Riley:

Boy, this radio business sure is tough. They follow you everywhere.
Not a moment of privacy.


Ann:

Meanwhile, in the studio, a few of the cast members are discussing the up and coming show.


Anthony:

Boy, I sure hope I don't get stuck playing the Chihuahua. I hate yappy little dogs.


Girl:

Here are you script assignments. If you don't get one now, you never will. Gettem while they're hot!


Anthony:

Yeah or the smell of the duplication fluid will dissipate. Aaaah! Smell that smell! Nothing like it.


Tina:

Remind me to introduce you to gin someday. Aw, look, I got stuck with the Chihuahua! Darn it! I wanted the Alsatian.


Anthony:

Tough luck. I got the Pit Bull. I love type-casting! What did you get, Ray?



Ray:

I got stuck with a non-barking part.


Tina:

What?


Ray:

I get to be the kennel keeper. You guys get all the fun.


Girl:

Oh, look, and I even get a part! I get to play a Collie! How did they know I was Scottish?


Tina:

Now, there's type-casting for you, a Scottish...


Ray:

Don't say it. The censor is listening.


Tina:

...female dog....


Anthony:

Oh, look, here comes Mr. Riley. Stand straight, everyone. Get that collar off your neck, Tina.


Riley:

Hello, all. Are you ready for the rehearsal, got all your parts?


Ray:

No.


Riley:

What? But...


Ray:

Just had my tonsils out.


Riley:

Now, cut that out!


Ray:

Exactly what the doctor said to his assistant.


Riley:

What I meant was, has everyone got their script?


All:

Yeah!


Riley:

Wait just a minute! You there, aren't you the script girl?


Girl:

Oh, yes, Sir!


Riley:

Why do you have a part in this show? By the way, which part do you have?


Tina:

Off hand, I'd say it's to the left.


Girl:

I'm the Collie!


Riley:

Hey! That part was written for my wife, Livingston Hoffa. Where is she?


Girl:

I'm sorry, sir, I wouldn't know. Your butler took her away and came back alone.


Riley:

Wellll...then. I wonder where he is? I'd like to talk to him. Chichester! Oh, Chichester! Where are you?


Chichester:

You brayed, sir?


Riley:

Now, cut that out! Where did you take Livingston Hoffa? She's supposed to be in the studio right now.


Chichester:

I'm sorry, sir, but she demanded to be taken to the Beverly Hills Humane Shelter.


Anthony:

to bail her brother out?


Chichester:

She indicated that she wanted to engage in some research so that she could lend some verisimilitude to the currently considered skit.


Riley:

Ah, right, whatever it was you said. So, where is she right now?


Chichester:

Attempting to get the howl of a Shihtzu just right.


Ray:

What did he just say?


Chichester:

The censor has just indicated that he will eat my contract if I repeat myself. Suffice it to say that she is doing her very best to get the correct note in order to simulate the distress call of a canine.


Anthony:

That reminds me. I haven't eaten in a while.


Tina:

Why would that remind you?


Anthony:

Everytime I eat in the Studio commisary, my canine teeth howl...


Tina:

Now, cut that out!


Anthony:

I have. Why do you think I'm hungry?


Riley:

Listen, you, stop stealing my lines and you, stop interposing your own gags, or you'll all end up back where I found you.


Tina:

Oh, no, anything but backstage at Minsky's!


Ray:

You were at Minsky's?


Riley:

Enough! I don't know anything about that...


Anthony:

But we'd like to hear about it later.


Riley:

I meant, if I may continue...


Chichester:

You may, sir.


Riley:

Thank you. I meant back on the cast of 'What's My Crime?'.


Girl:

Is that true?


Riley:

It's in the script...


All:

SO IT MUST BE TRUE!


Riley:

Now, cut that out!


Ray:

Got a pair of scissors?


Riley:

Now, cut that... Just stop it. Now, we've got a show to do. Does everyone have their script?


All:

Yeah!


Riley:

All right, then. Let's have some sort of rehearsal. Show is in an hour and I want to get it right.

SFX: phone ringing


Riley:

Chichester, would you get that?


Chichester:

Certainly, sir.


Riley:

Now, has everybody read through their part?


Tina:

Not for a couple of days. It's been occupied. I'm on my honeymoon.


Anthony:

Here comes the censor with a shotgun!


Tina:

See you later!


Riley:

Now, what am I gonna do?


Chichester:

Sir, it's the Police on the phone.


Riley:

Oh, fine! What do they want?


Chichester:

It seems that Miss Hoffa has been incarcerated for disturbing the peace.


Riley:

At a dog pound? Who turned her in?


Chichester:

It seems a police dog, sir.


Riley:

Fine! What do I have to do to get her out?


Chichester:

Post a bail of two boxes of chew bones and forty pounds of morsels.


Riley:

I had to ask.


Chichester:

What shall I tell them, sir?


Riley:

Ah, tell them I'll be there after the show. Which station is she at?


Chichester:

The Beverly Hills Headquarters, sit.


Riley:

Well, tell them not to feed her anything but Caspian Caviar. The other stuff makes her sick.


Chichester:

As you wish, sir.


Riley:

Darn it all and make the socks too small! Now, we're missing two cast members!


Anthony:

No, boss. At last count you were minus one. The script girl here was ready to do your wife's part.


Riley:

That's right. C'mere, dear. Have you had any acting experience?


Girl:

I spent four years on the counter at Schwab's.


Riley:

I didn't ask if you could lay still. I asked if you could act.


Girl:

I had to act like I could stand the customers.


Riley:

Like whom?


Girl:

Georgy Jessel...


Riley:

Okay.


Girl:

Eddie Cantor


Riley:

Okay.


Girl:

And you...


Riley:

Enough already! I said okay!


Girl:

Which reminds me. You still owe me the thirty-five cents I had to make up out of mine own change on a mackerel sandwich you ordered last July...


Riley:

I was in Palm Springs.


Girl:

...the eighth, at four-twenty-two in the morning, in the company of...



Riley:

Okay, okay, okay, here's a dollar!


Girl:

A forty percent tip? ...in the company of...


Riley:

Look! Here's another half a dollar! Shut up and you've got the part!


Girl:

Gee, Mr. Riley, I don't know how to thank you!


Riley:

Go crash Fred Benny's show, okay! Now, where were we?


Ray:

Short a cast member.


Anthony:

I don't suppose the script girl has a sister?


Girl:

As a matter of fact...


Riley:

Forget it! Knowing my luck, I owe her money, too!


Girl:

Well, as a matter of fact...


Riley:

Don't bother me with facts. Hey, I know! Somebody here doesn't have a part and is about to get one!


Ray:

Aha! Good idea!


Girl:

Who's he talking about?


Anthony:

I know.


Chichester:

Oh, no, sir, anything but that, sir.


Riley:

Pick up your script, Chichester, or you'll find yourself on 'Amos and Andy'...


Chichester:

You have pinpointed my weakness, sir. I'll do it.


Riley:


Fine! Now, let's be about it. Okay, who has the first line?



Ray:

The narrator.


Riley:

Okay. Where is he?


Ann:

She. Me.


Riley:

Oh. I'm so sorry. Will you ever forgive me?


Ann:

I'm the script girl's sister.


Riley:

Noow you tell me. How much do I owe you?


Ann:

Well, I used to work at the drive-in movies in Sesquahanna Park and on October 12th, 1936, you went to see 'Andy Hardy Joins The Boy Scouts' with your chauffeur and I later found out you'd hidden your entire band in the trunk of your Rockne....


Riley:

How did you find out?


Ann:

I heard them tuning up during intermission. So, I figure, with inflation....


Riley:

Here's five bucks, now leave me alone!


Ann:

Plus the fact that I lost my job...


Riley:

Okay, okay, okay, here's twenty bucks! Shut up! I got to talk to whoever does the hiring around here. They've got to put a new question on the application!


Chichester:

Would that be "Does Ted Riley owe you any money?"


Riley:

No, Chichester, that isn't it. It should be "Have you ever held a job in California?"


Chichester:

You've forgotten that period in New Jersey, haven't you, sir?


Riley:

Okay, okay, okay, let's make it "Have you ever held a job in the Contintental U.S.?", does that about cover it?


Chichester:

You're right. Let's make it "only aliens from another planet need apply."


Chichester:

There is the question of that trip to Mars...


Riley:

Now cut that out! I don't care what anybody says, I've never been anywhere as foreign as that!


Chichester:

Well, be that as it may, sir, you did do two weeks in Rhode Island in 1932, sir.


Riley:

Besides that.


Chichester:

And there was that series of one-night-stands in Minnesota in 1942...



Riley:

Okay! I get the message! That's enough! Why do you have to listen to everything that I say?


Chichester:

I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to listen less in the future.


Riley:

That's more like it. Now, where was I?


Ray:

Attempting to instigate some form of practice of the script for the upcoming performance.


Chichester:

No, CUT THAT OUT!


Riley:

Hey! That's my line!


Chichester:

I'm sorry, sir, I forgot myself.


Anthony:

That would take some doing.


Riley:

What's the matter with you people? Do you think it's 'Open Mike Night at the Sands'?


Ray:

We might make more money if it was.


Girl:

How do you spell that? I've never been there.


Ann:

Forget it, babe. I have and it's nothing to write home about.


Girl:

You never told me!


Ann:

Like I said, it's nothing to write home about.


Anthony:

I won first prize there two nights in a row.


Ann:

Like I just said, nothing to write...


Riley:

Enough, already! I just want to get through a rehearsal so we can get ready for the show.


Ann:

Oh, come on. I'm tired of this. The whole world knows that the entire premise of this show is the preparation for a show that never happens.



Riley:

SHHHHH! You're giving away the plot!


Ann:

What plot? It's a format. Look, it's painted on the wall in the writer's suite!


Riley:

You're fired!


Ann:

Why?


Riley:

For breaking character.


Ann:

I don't have one. I'm the announcer.


Riley:

Oh? I didn't realize that. So, what can I do to you when you make me mad?


Ann:

Give....


Ray:
We're digressing again.


Anthony:

I haven't eaten a thing.


Riley:

Look, he's right.


Anthony:

Thank you.


Riley:

Oh, shut up. Now, where were we?


Ann:

Page thirteen.


All:

NOW CUT THAT OUT!


Riley:

That's it! You're all fired. I warned you about that! Nobody steals my lines! You wanta go stealing lines, go get your own show!


Ray:

Or write for this one. Aw, who needs it? You can't fire me, I'm going on strike.


Riley:

Oh, no, you don't! I'm the shop steward!

SFX: large truck roars through building. Sounds of pain and distress and ripping cloth and choking gerbils. Segues into cast and orchestra playing and singing the show's theme song 'If I ever find you, you'll wish I hadn't!'