Please try this at any home but mine.

It has come to our attention that some radio stations have webcams, even websites, so that the listeners may respond to what is going on on the air and in the station.

Unfortunately, since we are not, at present, in the position to work from home, ( we dress as if we were at home when we are at work...) or to have internet-ready computers at OUR workplace (the managers feel that it is enough that we are networked together and giggling over coded comments about the manglement...), we think that those who choose to listen to us at work or during the day should avoid any and all of the visual aspects of our operation, to the point of averting your eyes when you drive by the station....

I have done this so successfully that I actually avoided getting to work two days in a row. I told them it was foggy.

Anyway, here is a very good reason why we don't have webcams (but we do have CCD and CCTV security cams!) in our studios.

Moderator:
Hello, my name is not important. This is an interview with the eminent and pre-eminent and post-modern Pinto-porologist and Electronic Accordion Afficionado, Professor Tina Zinge.


Prof. Zinge:
Hullo and good morning to you, I'm sure.


Mod:
Now, for the purposes of this interview, treat me like an idiot. We want to communicate to the audience the full bread and dip of your experiences and usefulness. Now, Professor Zinge, just what is it, exactly, that separates you from the herd?


Prof. Zinge:
A large wildebeest or my body odor! What do I win if I get it right?


Mod:
This is not a game show. This is an interview. Your agent wanted an interview. He pestered us and...


Prof. Zinge:
Oh. Well, if you take a small marmoset, known as a Frool, and put it's head into a small almost evacuated chamber and play Bach backwards at 73 degrees, then the Frool's spleen temperature goes down at a noticeable level.


Mod:
Um. What did you just say?


Prof. Zinge:

Once I noticed that you were not funnin' with me, I decided to answer your question whole-heartedly. Is that not a good thing?


Mod:

Well, some kind of segue would be nice.

SFX: feminine whistling of Bach's "Prelude for Tort Reform, in B flat, opus 16" suddenly switching to Meredith Willson's "Gary, Indiana"


Prof. Zinge:
Like so?


Mod:

(clearing throat) Um... Um. Could we tilt this back to some level where I know what is going on? I do have these note cards here that are supposed to provide...


Prof. Zinge:

Oh! Surely! Sorry! I get off in my own world sometimes and I don't know which way is up, which is why I carry a little pen, y'know, one of those retractable types, with the clear bit on the end that is hollow and has some kind of mineral oil with a piece of the Rock of Gibraltor floating in it? I use it as a kind of spirit level when I drive, so that I know which tire is having a problem, because now-a-days they are so much better than they used to be be, particularly on well-spread bitumen with a bit of good quality crushed stone from the region near where Michelangelo used to have his grapes squeezed. So, I know whereof you spake. Thank's for bringing it to my attention and the board will get back to you in a week or so with the news about your pension.


Mod:
Gaa-gaa!

OOOOOH!

The moon shines bright round my head at night,

I'm as bald as an egguh!

And a little mouse infests my house,

but we can use the breaduh!

Just grab your ears and tighten your braces,

for the water hates the pluggah!

So wipe those grins from your ugly faces,

and go call my doctor and my muthah!


Prof. Zinge:

That was quite good! Did you make that up?


Mod:
GET AWAY FROM ME!
DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME!
I REFUSE TO LET YOU BREATH IN MY GENERAL AREA!
MUMMY! HELLUP! SAVE ME!

SFX: Knock on door. Door latch being manipulated. Door opening a bit

Engineer:

Is everything all right in here?


Mod:

NO! HELP ME! STOP HER! GET A FIRE DISTINGUISHER!


Engineer:
Ma'am? If you come this way, I'll have Binky get the white coat. This feller gets like this sometimes. Pressures of the job, y'know.


Prof. Zinge:
Thank you, I believe I'll have another. This time of year, the yak butter is much better if you eat it on the north side of the handwrought bread.


Engineer:

BINKY! BRING TWO OF THEM COATS!


Mod:

(singing) All I want is a room somewhere....


Engineer:

I'll see that you get it, mate.


Prof. Zinge:

But the ambient temperature of your average two cyle engine precludes it's use as a blanket warmer.


Engineer:

AND BRING A GAG, TOO, BINKS!

Too all you lot out there, we apologize for this interruption in our regular programming.

And now, we will play for you "Donovan's Greatest Hits".

SFX: 45 minutes of aural bliss