From out of the wild wastes of the west comes a pounding of hooves, a jingle of spurs, and the lusty voice of a powerful but just man giving cry:


Tex: Where's the road?


Announcer: And, in reply, we hear the voice of a trusted native companion:


Fido: Let me put my ear to the ground.

SFX: a loud thumping sound


Tex: Yer supposed to get off the horse first!


Fido: Ugh! I think yer right.


Tex: Do you hear anything?


Fido: Yep.


Tex: What?


Fido: I think my hoss is laughing....


Ann: Meanwhile, in a nearby town, a fight is brewing.


Lem: That lady killed my hoss! She put sumthin' evil down it's throat and made it sicker than it wuz. Let's lynch her!


Woman's voice: Now, just wait a minute. I was trying a last ditch cure. That horse was already dying. I thought it couldn't hurt to try one last thing.


Man's voice: Well, Lem, you gotta admit. That horse died with a smile on it's face.


Lem: That's true, but Eye-uh think he'd would've lived a mite longer if'n she'd a left him be. Eye-uh wasuh prayin' fer 'im. She didn't like that. Eye-uh think she's a divil!


Woman's voice: I am a college-trained doctor. I've never been so ashamed to be an American as I am at this moment.


Man's voice: I thought you were an Yankee?


Lem: That's wot she is! An' she kilt a hoss whose pappy fit in the great war betwixt the states. You jist watch. If'n we let her live, she'll git yer hosses, too!


Man's voice: Look, Dr. Honeydew, I think it'd be best for all if we put you in the jail for the night, just for safety.


Dr. Honeydew(previously Woman's Voice): Whose? Mine or your silly unbred horse's?


Man's Voice: I don't know that that's worth answering. Come along, now.


Ann: Meanwhile, back on the trail:


Tex: Well, what do you think? Think we'll get to sleep in a bed tonight?


Fido: Ugh! You wantum fortune teller or guide?


Tex: Why are you talking like that?


Fido: Um, hurtum jaw.


Tex: Oh. So, which way is town?


Fido: Mightum be over thereum, whereum da lights beum.


Tex: Oh, I thought those were stars!


Fido: Been on thisum planet long?


Tex: What was that?


Fido: Justum pain.


Tex: Oh.


Fido: Stupid white man.


Tex: Huh?


Fido: Pain.


Tex: I'm sorry.


Fido: Youum sure are.


Tex: Thank you.


Fido: Less go. I needum painkiller.


Tex: Okay. But I'm tired of buying liquor for you. I might get caught some day. That would be embarrassing.


Fido: Notum as embarrassing as a Norwegian actor stuck playing an Indian sidekick...


Tex: What was that?


Fido: Moreum pain.


Tex: I think I been out in the sun too long...


Fido: What giveum that idea?


Tex: I keep imagining I'm hearing things.


Fido: Imaginationum notum thatum good.


Tex: I didn't think so. C'mon, Fido, let's go to town.


Fido: I hateum town. Always makeum fun of me and this stupid outfit...


Ann: Meanwhile, back in town:


Man's voice: Now, my horse is dead!

SFX: loud thumping sound, like body on dirt.


Another Woman's voice: And mine!


All: Let's lynch the doctor!


Man's voice: But, she's in the jail!


Another Woman's voice: The easier to find her, my dears, heh, heh, heh!


Man's voice: And she was no where around when it happened!


Another woman's voice: Yeah, but it will make us feel safer and rid the world of one more Vassar graduate!


Man's voice: You gotta point, there! Let's lynch the doctor!


Ann: Meanwhile, back on the trail...


Fido: Lookum, torch parade!


Tex: Aw, who told them I was coming?


Fido: Look, men carryum rope!


Tex: Uh, can't we just camp out tonight?


Fido: Lookum! Pull lady out of that jailum!


Tex: Oooh, we can'tum have that! Let's put a stop to it! She has to be innocent.


Fido: Howum figure?


Tex: I can see her Sigma Phi pin twinkling in the torch light. Rustics like these can never appreciate the actions of a civilized person like that!


Fido: Hearum about them fraternities and such at SMU. Ya'llum make Torquemada lookum like girl scoutum.


Tex: You went to college?


Fido: Yeppum. Jim Thorpe Memorial Scholarship.


Tex: Whaddya major in?


Fido: Yooum don't wantum know.


Tex: Ah, sure I do. C'mon!


Fido: All rightum, don't tellum.


Tex: You gottum.


Fido: Drama.


Tex: Huh?


Fido: Forget um.


Tex: Look, they're tying the knot!


Fido: Oh'um, okay. Giddum up, Bronco!


Tex: Hi-yo! Cleveland! And away!


Ann: And so, in a few seconds, our heroes face the townspeople:


Tex: Let her go!


Fido: Lettum girl go!


Man: If we do, we can't let this good rope go to waste. We cut it special for this occasion. We'll have to hang one of you.


Fido: Him!


Tex: Now, cut that out!


Dr. Honeydew: Carry on, good people. I'd rather die than be rescued by these two bumpkins.


Fido: Letum lady hang.


Tex: But, look at this!


Dr. Honeydew: A Delta Chi pin! Oh, thank you, God!


Fido: She needum glasses.


Dr. Honeydew: I've always dreamed of being rescued by a Delta Chi man. So, save me!


Ann: Meanwhile, in the back of Fido's mind, a thought is forming.

SFX: Paper bag being blown up and popped.


Fido: Sayum! Why you folks hamgum lady?


Man: Why you talk that way?


Fido: Hurt jaw.


Tex: Fell off his horse.


Fido: Shutum up. Why hangum lady?


Lem: She killed my horse!


Man: And my horse just died!


Woman: And mine!

SFX: Sound of body hitting dirt


Fido (muffled): Andum mine! Gettum off me!


Woman: And she doesn't even have to touch em, see! All she gotta do is look at em! Let's lynch the wench!


Lem: Did she say mensch?


Man: No. Wench. Wench.


Lem: Lunch?


Man: Okay. You buy.


Woman: I'm hungry, too.


All: So'um am I. Let's go eat!

SFX: Multitude going away.


Tex: Well, we did it again.


Fido: Whatum?


Tex: Saved the day.


Fido: Just reprievum. Gotta solve mystery.


Tex: What mystery?


Fido: Why I ain't gottum your part.


Dr. Honeydew: What's he say?


Tex: Nevermind him, he's in pain.


Dr. Honeydew: Get me down from here and I'll help him. I'm a doctor.


Fido: I thoughtum you veterinarian?


Dr. Honeydew: Oh, no, I'm a full-fledged GP.


Fido: Then whyum work on horses?


Dr. Honeydew: Have you smelled the people around here?


Fido: Gottum point. Wait untilum get whiff of Stoned Ranger, hereum.


Tex: That's not funny. I only tested it to see if it was safe for Cleveland.


Dr. Honeydew: Cleveland?


Fido: Bloodbrother and horse. Namum that because horseum back is like city. Never really appreciateum until leave.


Tex: Now, cut that out!


Dr. Honeydew: Well, let's go see if we can find some clues.


Tex: I haven't got one.


Fido: Don't knowum half of it.


Dr. Honeydew: I just don't know where to begin.



Tex: Show us the bodies.


Dr. Honeydew: Ugh! Do I have to?


Fido: Itsum either that or keepum stealing my lines.


Dr. Honeydew: Well, here is your friend's horse, uh...


Fido: Bronco.


Dr. Honeydew: Bronco. He seems to just have keeled over.


Fido: Thereum Freudian insight. Horse keeled, all rightum.


Dr. Honeydew: Now, cut that out!


Tex: Not a mark on him except for this strange tattoo on his forehead.


Dr. Honeydew: Horses don't have foreheads.


Fido: Whatum tattoo? Bronco no have tattoo! Whatum say?


Tex: It says, "Page eight, Bronco dies."


Fido: No makeum sense! Witchcraft?


Dr. Honeydew: Look, this horse has a similar tattoo!


Tex: And this one!


Fido: Something funnyum going' onum!


Tex: Yeah, like where do you get a typewriter that'll write on a horse?


Ann: Meanwhile, in the...


Fido: Heyum! You! There! C'mereum!


Ann: Who? Me?


Fido: Yeppum. What um you sayum over there? You castum hex on hosses?


Ann: Oh, no. I'm a radio announcer. I was just...


Fido: Gottum college?


Ann: Why, yes, majored in Communications.


Fido: Pledge?


Ann: Every time the University telegraph station begs...


Fido: No-um. Sororitiesum.


Ann: No.


Fido: Marryum me.


Ann: Does he always talk like this?


Tex: He fell off his horse.


Dr. Honeydew: An announcer! So, there must be a write somewhere!


Tex: Yes! And he's killing the horses by writing them out of the show!


Fido: No dungum, Dupin?


Ann: I don't know anything about it. There was nothing about it in rehearsal.

SFX: Horse death noise


Dr. Honeydew: Hey! Look over there, another horse just died!


Fido: Ouchum! Don't um step onum head!


Dr. Honeydew: What on earthum are you doing?


Fido: Listening byum earum. Shutum up, I hearum something!

SFX: silence, not a cricket...or a sausage


Fido: It'sum typewriter, over thereum!


Tex: He knows we've seen him! He's running!


Fido: Me shootum in hand!

SFX: Gunfire, once


Dr. Honeydew: Not that hand, the other one, the one he types with!

SFX: more gunfire


Tex: You gottum!


Fido: Let's goum question 'im!


Tex: Okayum.


Fido: Now, cutum that outum!


Ann: Meanwhile, in the venal system of the writer's hand...


Tex: Oh, shut up!


Dr. Honeydew: Now, Mr. Writer, what are you killing all the horses?



Writer: Owwwwwwww! (deep breath) Owwwwwww!


Fido: Bigum baby. Whyum killum horsum?


Writer: Owwwwwww!


Fido: Stopum or I'll kickum hand.


Writer: Noooo! I'll talk.


Dr. Honeydew: Okay, why?


Writer: The price of fresh coconuts.


Dr. Honeydew: Okay, kickum.


Fido: I warnum about stealum lines.

SFX: Gunfire, sound of body falling


Tex: Was that shot really necessary?


Fido: Whatum about coconuts?


Writer: Well, you can't have horses on radio without coconuts and out special effects people demand fresh ones. Owwww!


Fido: So-um, to summarizum, the priceum goum up and the network too cheapum to pay?


Writer: Owww! Yes!


Tex: So, you kill poor innocent horses to save money? I'll finish you off myself!


Fido: No! Waitum a minute! Whyum no kill Cleveland?


Writer: Only enough budget to pay for one coconut. Cleveland star's horse, so, owwww, not killed.


Fido: Thats what you thinkum.

SFX: Gunfire, followed by horse death noise


Tex: Why'd you do that?


Fido: In painum. Trigger fingerum twitch.


Tex: Well, mine's a mite itchy about now, too.


Fido: Gun empty.


Tex: You stole my ammo?


Fido: No-um, producers not trustum.


Tex: But they trust you? That's it, I quit. That's too much, not trusting the star.


Fido: Byum. Tune-um in next week, as our hero, Fido, takes on...

SFX: Voluminous gunfire, body hitting dirt sound


Tex: Haha! I went back in the script and gathered up all your bullets!



Fido (dying): Exceptum this one!

SFX: Gunshot, body noise


Ann: Tune in next week when a completely different show will be broadcast. Good evening and thanks from the folks at Irritating Public Radio, Your Friends In The Air.