If your social media timeline is now full of weird political memes, we apologise. The US is in the throes of a presidential election, and things tend to get strange. Here's a bit of a guide to the current madness – with the caveat that, by the time you read this information, it may have been superseded by even odder occurrences and more incomprehensible slogans.

As it stands, here in late July, there are two main candidates: Donald J Trump, for the Republicans, and Kamala Harris, for the Democrats. Donald J Trump probably needs no introduction, at least if you've been living on this planet for the last eight years or more, but the rest of this lot are going to require some background.

The Republicans have already had their multi-day infomercial. . . er, party convention. It involved speeches and the appearance of a celebrity dog. The press have had their quadrennial fun with the event: the sight of Republican delegates dancing in public never ceases to amuse. During this meeting, the candidate, Mr Trump, announced his running mate, a man from Ohio named JD Vance. Mr Vance is one source of the memes you're seeing.

A bit of history you didn't ask for, but are going to get: the Founders of this nation, an experimental bunch in the late 18th Century, didn't actually envision political parties or 'running mates'. They thought we'd all vote for a president. The person (all right, the man, they were kind of backward) who got the second-most votes would be vice president. They were really naïve.

To their surprise and dismay, this method of electing leaders backfired. The vice president often argued with the president. Especially when the VP was Tom Jefferson and the Prez was John Adams. A side note: John Adams was George Washington's vice president. He didn't fight with Washington (nobody did, except the British and some farmers in Pittsburgh). But Adams referred to the vice presidency as 'the most insignificant Office that ever the Invention of Man contrived or his Imagination conceived.' As a solution, they let the presidential candidate pick the vice presidential candidate, his 'running mate'. This got funnier.

Why is it funny? Because the criteria for a vice president shifted from 'could run the country in a pinch' to 'somebody the president isn't jealous of.' Also, they picked the VP candidate for his (see above) ability to pull in votes from sectors of the voting populace that didn't necessarily like the presidential candidate: a Southerner, perhaps, or someone with a farm background, or a more personable figure, etc.

Speculation is currently rampant as to whom Ms Harris will pick. Everybody has favourites, but let me assure the h2g2 audience that this is very unlikely to include yours. Mr George Clooney is busy acting, and Ms Michelle Obama has better things to do. Ms Harris is probably going to pick a political person you've never heard of, like Pete Buttigieg. You know, somebody actually qualified. I'll keep you posted.

So why did Mr Trump pick JD Vance, an inexperienced junior senator whose main claim to fame is that he wrote a best-selling memoir that is widely hated in the Appalachian mountain region? According to Mr Trump, it was because JD Vance really liked him. According to NBC News, it was because Mr Trump's sons really liked JD Vance. One thing is sure: it takes a certain kind of bravery to run for a post whose predecessor was threatened with lynching by the former president's followers. We live in interesting times – almost as bad as when the president and vice president were from different parties.

Back to JD Vance. Mr Vance's opponents like to accuse him of cosplaying as a hillbilly, with some justification. His grandmother came from Kentucky, but he was born and raised in Ohio (not in Appalachia) and went to Yale (nowhere near Appalachia).

In contrast, I was born in Memphis, Tennessee, smack beside the Mississippi River. My paternal family were all from Middle Tennessee (definitely Appalachia) and my maternal folks from the Mississippi Delta, a region flat as a pancake and prone to flooding. I grew up north of Pittsburgh – now considered part of Appalachia, which would have astonished my friends at the time – and have therefore considered myself a professional foreigner. This is by way of explaining that, while I can boast considerable comprehension of these regional issues, I do not have a dog in this fight.

Mr Andy Beshear, however, does. He is the governor of Kentucky. And a Democrat. He said of Mr Vance, 'He ain't from here.' This demonstrably true statement set off an avalanche of jokes on Twitter in which Kentuckians gleefully listed all the inside regional things that Mr Vance probably didn't know about.

Interestingly, Mr Beshear is being spoken of as a possible running mate for Ms Harris. He's young, nice-looking, and well-spoken. He's quick with a zinger. 'JD Vance has no conviction; his running mate has 34,' is pretty witty, don't you think?

Now to the memes: I must beg your indulgence, because some of these are NSFW.

You may have been scratching your heads recently over jokes about sofas. I blush to tell you this. Some wag wished to draw attention to the egregious amount of misinformation on the internet – and made it worse. He made up a fake reference to a totally mythical passage alleged to be in JD Vance's book Hillbilly Elegy in which Vance, as a teenager, did something Portnoy-like to a sofa (or couch, as they call it in Appalachia). I stress: this is not in the book. The wag in question made it up.

Of course, everybody believes it now. And they keep making jokes about sofas. This is not a sign of the decline of civilisation. It is normal US politics. I refer you to our history. We've had everything from people passing out little log cabin models to the chant, 'Ma, Ma, where's my pa? He's gone to the White House, ha, ha, ha!' This hasn't been a decorous process since Washington left.

On a more positive note, Kamala Harris was pronounced brat. This is a very trendy term denoting that she is cool. She laughs easily and loudly – which apparently drives her opponent batty. She can dance, an unusual gift in a political leader. Young people like her. The colour for brat is chartreuse. (Yes, I know.) We are going to have to look at a lot of chartreuse campaign signs. My eyes hurt already. But at least it's not another sofa joke.

I hope this basic info helps a little. Again, I'm sorry if your timelines are being polluted by unwanted gossip from overseas. It's not going to go away for awhile. I suggest setting your filters to eliminate the names of all the politicians, if you can.

And if you run into any more puzzling memes, share them with us. We'll try to sort them out.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

05.08.24 Front Page

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