Myrtle? I'll be late. Somebody set off the 5G signal. Yeah, I'll pick up some brains on my way home.

This afternoon, 4 October 2023, FEMA (the US Federal Emergency Management Agency) and the FCC (US Federal Communications Commission) set off a test alarm. This is a normal thing they do to make sure the emergency systems work. I used to be a radio announcer: we had to test the Emergency Broadcasting System signal once a day. It's a perfectly normal way to test emergency systems.

Americans: Europeans do this, too, but their version is called Eurovision. It lasts longer and involves musical instruments.

For days before the test, people have been warned about this, just in case it would be hazardous for them if their mobiles suddenly erupted in a piercing screech. Such as in the middle of a funeral. Another suggestion involved incarcerated peeps with illicit phones in their cells – better turn 'em off, guys, or the guards will find them. Me, I wouldn't even have known about it if it weren't for social media. I own a mobile phone, the senior kind that is not an iphone because I refuse to do my web-surfing on what I regard as an unsafe implement that is also too small for me to read.

After the test, I saw nothing but complaints. The complaint? The test was scheduled for 2:20 pm EDT.

According to Twitter users, the alarm went off at 2:18 pm.

Now it's all over bar the shouting. What's that you say? Why are they shouting? Well, it's like this: according to the latest, most fashionable conspiracy theory going around, the emergency test was supposed to use 5G to 'activate' the secret chips implanted in people who received Covid vaccinations and turn them into rabid killers.

Now the word 'zombie' is trending.

Personally, I'm kind of tired of this. I love a good conspiracy theory, always have. I've been an avid reader of fringe literature since I first found some dodgy pamphlets lurking in the cupboard of our holiday cottage in 1959. But the second-grader that I was then could have done better than this. I'd be ashamed to get my conspiracy material from old Stephen King novellas. I demand some originality. A little research, please. And a leaked document marked 'TOP SECRET' in red crayon. Come on, folks, put in some effort here.

Most of the trending 'zombie' posts are of the jocular variety, so there's hope. Maybe the people who believe they are going to get rich and famous by making up outrageous stories will realise they are, in fact, merely being mildly entertaining. I hope that makes them so mad they never talk to anyone again.

Now that the test is over, US citizens can go back to doing the important thing they were doing before: making ludicrous suggestions as to who the next Speaker of the House of Representatives should be. I'm not making that up: there have been some interesting nominees, including Taylor Swift and an ex-president who is currently not doing anything more interesting than complaining about the judge who is hearing his fraud case. But since he's under a gag order and Ms Swift is probably busy touring, they might have to pick a politician.

You see, the majority party in the House usually has enough votes to elect their leader as Speaker. It's a responsible job that puts the person involved very high on the line of presidential succession – if anything happened to the president and vice-president, the Speaker would become president. So the Representatives should choose wisely. Which of course they do.

Ha, ha! I'm just kidding! The House of Representatives does nothing of the sort. They play politics, as always. Representatives are elected by smaller constituencies than Senators. This allows for more exuberant nutcases to get elected than is the case in the upper chamber. This is not to say that they're all nutcases. Some of them are fairly reasonable, and some actually work hard.

The current Speaker pro tempore, Patrick McHenry, hails from a town where I lived for a while. He attended a high school where I taught a German class at the same time. (He wasn't in my German class.) I've just happened across a podcast by the high school's alumni. He's reminiscing about the talent show and he sounds pretty normal. Now he's about to get into trouble because they've asked him which is the best barbecue restaurant. . . As they say, all politics is local. He's getting brownie points for being a fan of grape ice cream. North Carolina is sui generis.

The thing about the Speaker of the House is that, technically, the office doesn't have to be held by a member of the House. Theoretically, any US citizen could do the job. This leaves room for a lot of speculation. Actors with resonant voices are receiving mentions. Me, I'd be very happy to see James Earl Jones up there.

(Oh no in the podcast Rep McHenry has just answered a high school civics student's question about the political process by comparing it to choosing a selection at the Cheesecake Factory, which is a restaurant, heaven give us strength. Now he's waffling about how there's no point in passing laws against guns because 'criminals don't obey laws'. I would love to be a mouse in Mr Beverly's civics class when the kids discuss these answers.)

Oh, well, civilisation will (probably) survive. And if you see any zombies lurching around, let us know.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

16.10.23 Front Page

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