Chapter 42: Grande Finale?

The doorbell rang.

Dad went to open the door for their gnarly old neighbour Ed. Ava had always thought that the guy was kind of creepy. This was not at all helped by his suicidal chickens, so recently observed up close and personal.

'Elisa texted me to come over and explain things,' Ed said when he entered the ruins of the kitchen.

'That's quick, Milord. For someone your age,' the phone in Caoilinn's hand answered.

'Oh skip the formalities. I've been Ed for so long now. Let's stick to that if you please.'

'Right you are, Ed.'

Ava stood with clenched fists throughout this conversation. 'I don't want to sound impatient, but since we are dealing with an unlikely but possible Armageddon scenario here. Could you guys just get to the point! Please?'

'OK, let me reintroduce myself properly. I am, or was, King Aethelred, also unfortunately known as 'the Unready'. The problem is that people don't expect you to come and complain about it after you are supposedly dead.'

'So you are not dead, then?'

'Last time I checked I wasn't.'

'How? You must be over a thousand years old then,' Mom interjected.

'Because my pet chickens stole the Philosopher's Stone before it could be seized by the extra-terrestrials. I suppose they liked the green colour and the flashing lights. They ate it before I could catch it, but their eggs have sort of infected me with immortality.'

'So the chickens are also a thousand years old? That's weird!' was all Ava could say.

'Chicken brains have trouble coping with the concept and repercussions of immortality. That is why they attempt to commit suicide on such a regular basis, not knowing these attempts are in vain. Please don't underestimate the offensive capabilities of a flock of berserk immortal chickens on the battlefield. Alas, I only found out about that after the trouble with Edmund and those Danes. Playing dead seemed like the wiser option to protect the world, rather than focusing on some arbitrary bit called England.'

'But how would you protect the world on your own?'

'Don't underestimate the leverage you have doing small things consistently for over a thousand years. The tricky bit is deciding the right moment to sell, knowing that you could get a lot more profit in a hundred years.'

'So you must be rich then?'

'Not excessively. Most money went into funding the right organisations. I could for example take down the SHC if I decided to, by just pulling out. Anyway, the financial leverage is relatively small compared to the effect I had in creating legislation and the case file I compiled in preparation of future legal actions. Keeping the older stuff readable helped me through the more boring centuries. Thank god for the invention of digital media carriers. You have no idea how much animals were saved once we could abandon vellum and goose feathers and now I can even move around in my house.'

'Do you live next to us on purpose?'

'Someone had to keep an eye on the descendants of Elisa. Give a nudge here and there, career-wise, founding the original Saint Judtmiss College kind of stuff. Creating that sinkhole just at the right time was a major operation though. I am rather proud we pulled that one off, especially since the SHC still think it was their idea. By the way, did you like the newspaper cutting envelope thing? The chickens were really helpful there, collecting all those slugs.'

'I would have preferred regular glue, to be honest,' Ava grumbled. 'So what is the plan now? Do we form a group of indestructible immortal beings in neon tights to save the day? That sounds a bit too major comic book franchise to me'

'Why bother with saving days if you can manage aeons?' Ed replied. 'I think we are pretty safe anyway, by now. I just sent out some juicy documents to silence the MWHC and got hold of some boosteranium supplies, signed a treaty with the Explorers from Vega and ordered some lunch. Did you know that your interference cooled down the Vegan planet to such a degree that they can now return? They already started packing. It seems like the sand here is not as good for sculpting. There is one catch, though.'

'And what would that be?' Ava and Eddy asked in unison, suspicion dripping from their voices.

'They requested that you would act as an ambassador to manage their remigration. They promised to bring you back before dinner.'

'That's a relief. Did they state which day and year that dinner would be?'

Caiman Raptor Elk

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