The Editor has moved to a region full of horse thieves, apparently. But these days, they race lawn mowers. Go figure.

It's all in honour of a man known locally for 'shrewdness, cuteness and alleged cussedness¹'. Sebastian 'Boss' Buck was the gang leader of a group who gave new meaning to 'gone in sixty seconds' back in the horse-and-buggy days. Before they nailed him for counterfeiting, Buck and his cohorts made the little town of Knox, PA, the horse thief capital of the eastern US. He even disguised the horses for resale, making the place a sort of 'chop shop' for illicit horseflesh.

In response to all this outrageous activity, law-abiding citizens in the 1880s formed the Clarion County Anti-Horsethief Association. Their descendants use all this history as an excuse for holding an annual week-long festival called Horsethief Days. During the festival, they leave their horses safely behind on the farms – who knows, there might be a modern-day Boss Buck in the crowd – and get out the riding lawn mowers for drag races down the middle of town.

From the Staid to the Outrageous

'Ladies and gentlemen, do NOT cross Main Street! Safety first!' Announcer Mike Leahy is firm. He also walks the length of the block-long racecourse, exhorting kids and grownups to keep their feet up on the curb. They want no accidents here.

The first category is 'stock'. These are regular, unmodified, garden-variety (literally) home lawn mowers, driven by helmeted experts. Their lawns must be really trim. The contest is won by Elsie Culp, who won last year, too. Elsie takes her victory lap and waves to the adoring crowds. She's in her late 70s, and we're applauding Senior Power.

Now It Gets Noisy

The newcomer notices that a number of kids are wearing headphones. No, not the kind that go to iPods. The kind worn by workers at airports or on racetracks. The kind that protect delicate ears from very loud noises. This tells us two things: one, their parents are probably NASCAR fans. Two, the lawn mower drag races are about to get noisier.

The other two categories are 'mods' and 'open'. 'Mods' means what it says: 1-3 modifications to the standard tractor model are permitted, up to a certain horsepower limit. (Horses, again.) They're spunky, they're louder, and hey, they're appreciably faster than your standard-issue lawn mower. At this rate, you'd have the grass level in, say, 10 minutes. If you could stop the thing before you decapitated the begonias.

Ay, there's the rub. To win a heat, the driver must not only be faster than his competitor – he has to stop at the indicated spot, a bit past the finish line. No stop, no win. Control is important.

So is safety. In addition to patrolling the route to keep bystanders out of the way, the officials are particular about what enters the 'open' category – the one with fewer limits. The one with car engines in. The one that makes our ears hurt. One vehicle was barred from racing this year because its steering 'was just too squirrelly'. The rest drag on merrily, and the races are really exciting. The enthusiastic crowd appears to contain pretty much everybody in Knox, a town of 1,136. Okay, and a few more from the surrounding area. And a good time is had by all. Trophies are there for the winners, and there's food and drink for the masses.

The winners were:

1. Stock class:
   
   • 3. John Pippen
   • 2. Cooper O'Neil
   • 1. Elsie Culp
2. Mods:
   
   • 3. Randy Weigner
   • 2. Trey Bauer
   • 1. Carl Hurrlbrink
3. Open class:
   
   • 3. Charlie Gatesman
   • 2. Mike Jordan
   • 1. Jeremy Books

I've got my souvenir: a camo t-shirt with an image of a horse driving a tractor labeled 'Boss Buck'. Take that, John Deere. Want to go when you visit the US next summer? Horsethief Days are a real piece of Americana, not like that Disney World stuff. The festival is in August, and you can get all the latest info on their website.

They neglected to mention the best bit: on parade day, the mayor has to kiss a horse in apology for all those horse thieves.

PS: Many thanks to Tiki Kahle of Knox, Pennsylvania, USA for information on the drag race event.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

31.08.15 Front Page

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