h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I found out that my lover has another mistress in San Francisco, California. His trips to the West Coast are infrequent (about once or twice a year). His mistress is actually an old girlfriend that he broke up with when they were in their early twenties. She went looking for him again and the rest is history.

When I found out about it I confronted him with the information. The story line he provided was lame at best. He went away to his summer home for ten days and when he returned we talked.

I explained that when you are having an affair there are no rules on fidelity. He argued that there were and when I asked him what the rules he couldn't quite articulate them.

While I did not have another lover I wanted him to realize that I could and would if the opportunity presented itself. I explained that I enjoyed his company, our lovemaking, etc. but he was never again to tell he loved me. He was to reserve that for his other mistress if he was so inclined. More important, I explained that while I was shaken by the information about his other mistress it would not impact my twice a week sex with him. He was stunned! He expected some drama and I dissapointed him.

For the time being he is a different person and I truly believe he worries that I will end the relationship. I might just do that, however, it will be in my time frame.

I'm going to throw this out there for discussion...what if I called the other mistress in California and told her about me? Do you think she deserves to know that there is someone else as well?

Yawn.

I've been there sister, and I agree, when you are the lover of a man who is cheating on his wife you cannot expect him to be 'faithful' to you.

Should you let the other other woman know? What's to gain? (Actually, of course, what there might be to gain is an introduction to an interesting and like-minded woman, but the risks seem pretty high to me).

When I worked out that there was at least one other of us, maybe two, it reminded me how important it was not to fall in love with this man, because that way madness lay.

Good for you girl, and good luck with your future.

Ben

You are tough - a lot tougher than me

I had been seeing a married man for 4 years, completely in love with him living in some fantasty land in my head that one day he would tell me that he loved me too

I had always been jealous and suspicious that I was not the only one, just little things he would say, or do. Knowing that his family was out of town - but I would not hear from him.

Always excuses - saying he is too busy, or is trying to do the right thing.

The biggest part of me wanted to believe him, that he was telling the truth. But my gut would always make me crazy. Still does.

I had heard through mutual friends that they thought something was going on with him and other women, all innocent comments (as they don't know our secret). But not 1 woman, three different women - all different people, all different conversations. Numerous times I would confront him - and each time he would laugh it off, and always have a story that made it seem like idle gossip.

I actually called one of the women one night, and asked her. Begged her really to tell me - as if he was also seeing her I needed to know to help me walk away. She told me he flirts with her, but nothing would ever happen - she wasn't interested in him like that. They were friends - and that I shouldn't get involved with a married man, I would only get hurt.

I still don't know what to believe - he actually ended our affair 6 months ago after his wife found a text, it was harmless really. Could have meant anything - but he completely freaked. Said it had all got too serious, and our talks made him anxious and he needed to get his lifes focus back to where it should be.

He has still maintained random contact, wanting to be friends and on occassion wanting to catch up like old times. But I have not seen him. And it hurts so much, I still wonder now if he has someone else, or if he really is trying to do the right thing by his family.

It must take a strong personality to know that you are second to his wife, and also second to his other lover. I couldn't handle that at all - and still dont.

Remember...the first and most important rule is: Don't get emotionally attached. I know, easier said than done. I've been seeing a married man for a little over two years. We laid the ground rules right off the bat. (He will not leave his wife...he is there for his kids). I agreed.

I consider myself to be a "serial monogamist". (look it up, it works for me) I don't believe in forever and he has never asked me to be faithful to him. So we get together every chance we can. A few times per month. He makes me feel special and that's all I really expect of him. At first, this relationship was difficult for me. I wondered about him seeing other women. But the longer we saw each other the more I accepted it for what it is. We never say the "L" word and we don't talk about his wife. This relationship works for me. My best advice for anyone in a relationship or considering one with a married man is this: If this is TRULY what works for YOU...go for it. But make rules. If you secretly, deep down hope he will fall in love with you and live happily everafter, GET OUT AND GET OUT FAST! You WILL get hurt!

hey Kat! i would really like to do that.. run fast! get out fast! but i xan't..i am deeply inlove with him and i am not okat with it anymore. i have kids, i am married but i certainly focuse the whole me with Him only. and he does told me all the time that He loves me more than anything and i really believe him. we both believe that we would become happier later.. when? we dont really know.. but we are looking forward to that day though we dont like to hurt both our families then we agreed to keep our relationship a secret and that we would wait for the day that we are both free.. i dont know how to feel anymore.. but i felt so bad..

Hmmm - MUCH easier said than done to avoid the emotional attachment thing. I've been trying to bring myself to end an affair (I'm single, he's not) for about 2 years, in the knowledge that I will get hurt sooner or later. But why have as much (or possibly MORE and self-inflicted) pain now?? I re-read Ben's excellent article often, because it keeps me sane about this whole thing, and reminds me how not to mess it up. A tiny part of me can't help hoping that one day we can be together, but another part of me knows I should run a mile it that happens, and the most sensible part of me knows its VERY unlikely to happen anyway...I even tried hyposis to fall out of love with him - didn't work!!