h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey Cleo, I had never thought of it like that. That will be my modus opperandi from now on!

Blimey! I never realised it was such a minefield! Back in student times I always went dutch because we were all as skint as each other. Why should he pay for me when niether of us is rolling in spare cash? The only exception to this was if he chose the restaurant and took me somewhere well above my affordability scale. I didn't like those dates though, because I always had one eye on the price list, and felt it would be rude to have anything too expensive.

For me, going dutch has never really had anything to do not liking him, as has been suggested, or anything to do with feeling I 'owe' him something, but far more to do with my natural independence. I wouldn't assume that anyone should pay for me, we are getting to know each other so why should he be 'treating' me to dinner? With are there by mutual assent in order to find out if we get on - so why should he foot the bill? I should say this has never been something I would argue about, if he really insisted then fine, let him pay. Not going to have a row on my first date!

The last time I agreed to let the man pay for dinner was with a man I really liked, and the date had gone terrifically well. He insisted on paying, and I felt things had gone so well that I could reply that he could pay only if he let me get the bill next time. And he did


k

One thing I've found is that very few men (of the tight-fisted kind... one that likes to save on feelings as well as money) are comfortable with not paying for the first dinner. They feel they have to be dominant in some way, and since this is one of the few (albeit highly symbolic) ways they can lord it over a woman, it is advisable to let them pay, if you really really really like them. Small gesture. You can always assert your financial independence later, I'm sure they assume you have one or you wouldn't be living on your own, for instance.

I like to call myself a feminist, but obviously not the kind that hates men (only the self-sabotaging feminists do). I quite love men, actually. So much so that indulging this particular little weakness of theirs is no big deal. Paying for dinner is also unspoken code for "This is a date, not a friendly dinner outing." So let them pay, I say. There are more important things to assert our independence over.

It women assuming that men should pay that irritates me, to the extent that they don't bring any money with them. Really, why should he pay? We are past the days when men have to prove they can keep you surely? Like I said if they really want pay then I'm not going to have some feminist-bitch-from-hell slanging match about it over coffee but it doesn't feel natural to me to let somebody else pick up my tab.

Maybe it is just me but when I am getting to know somebody I prefer to have the friendly dinner outing that may lead to something than the artificially loaded and formal First Date. And most of the dates I have been on were like that - informal, friendly. I am glad of that because it sounds like I would really hate to be 'Dating' in that very Sex-and-the-City kind of way!

Still, I'm hopefully off the market for good now so what do I know?

After that I'm now really confused about what type of person I am for letting the woman pay half if they ask to after I've volunteered to pay?

So what should I do if the woman says she'd like to pay half? If I let her I'm tight-fisted and if I don't I'm domineering?!!!

Oh calamity!

Cultural differences. Remember, this is Italy, home of machismo... (sort of, that'll be Spain, but the culture is similar)

Depends how well the date has gone Monkey man, if you want another date with her then tell her she can pay next time. If she STILL insists on paying half then maybe she isn't too keen on there being a next time or she is ultra-feminist and won't betray her principles even if she really likes you

If you didn't like her enough to go on another date then let her pay half.

Erm, just realised that suggestion might make women paranoid that if he agrees to let her pay half that means he doesn't like her!

I'll just shut up now shall I?

Oh well, I think it should be more instinctive... but speaking from teh point of wiew of a woman living in a macho country, I'd say that as a general rule a man who doesn't offer to pay for a dinner date might not be tremendously keen on me.

Bt then again, there are shades... I'd really rather go Dutch anyway, get kebabs and go clubbing (possibly not in that order) than sit down for a meal in tight clothes and be terrified of the embarrassment that follows...

yeah at the end of the day if you have had a nice meal,a great chat and really got on I dont think you'll decide if you will meet again on the basis of who paid for dinner.

If the date has only gone so/so then it might induce paranoia or make you think of the other persons motives. At the end of the day I have to admit, as a man, that I prefer to pay on a first date not as a power thing but because I have normally asked the lady on a date therefore I feel I should pay.

Which absolutely makes sense, doesn't it.

Yup, first post in a while that didn't twist my mind into even more of a knot.

Unless there's a great difference in income, I'd favour a system where people end up paying around the same amount in time, without being too rigid about individual dates.

This is sooo true.

Plus, if you really like the guy and can cook, you can always ask him over and feed him a luxurious meal

Hey - some of us men can cook as well you know!

That's not a given, now is it? MOst guys I know cannot fry two eggs.
Come to think of it, that goes for a lot of girls too...

Hmm. Well I haven't dated that many girls to the cooking stage over the years but have to say that without fail I've been the dominant one in the kitchen. And that goes with the girls I've house-shared with (one of whom used to put things under the grill, go and make a phone call and only come back when the smoke alarm told her it was done). It also goes for both my sisters, though to be fair to my eldest she did marry a chef...

So where are these girls who can cook hiding????????

Has to be said out of me and all my mates it is the blokes who can and do cook. I've only once been cooked a meal by one of my girlfreinds and it was so bad I would insist on cooking (unless was a ready meal).

But then again i used to work in catering, regardless I reckon (from my genration, i'm 25) more laddies than lassies can cook.

Well, I'm going to teach my 7 year old son to cook. He likes doing veg prep at the moment!

well singing fish, its the best thing you can possibly do as it will keep him healthy in later life as the only way to be sure you are eating well is to cook for yourself (and you also know whats in the food).

Ali

The last thing I would do in the early dating stages is invite a man to eat a meal I'd cooked.

My cooking is dreadful, and I definitely wouldn't want him to catch me in the stressed out, panic-stricken state I always get into in the later stages of food preparation.

Cooking a meal has never really been a first-date option for me:

before i learned to cook, i wouldn't cook for someone because it might be a total disaster; and

after i learned to cook, i wouldn't cook for someone because as a first date it might turn out that i didn't want them to ever come back wanting to be fed. which is a bit cynical, but in college everyone always wants to be fed, and you can never tell how a first date is going to go. but it always remains an option for a second or third date - once i decide i want to keep somebody for a bit.

But, i have always thought that baking anything sweet - cookies in particular - reeks of desperation if it happens early on. i never make desserts.