This is the first time that the Knolly Estate has allowed the great man's memoirs to be published. What follows is the twenty fifth chapter of 'The African Adventure'.

Anyone for Tennis Part 3

How could I have been so wrong ? Bertie’s face on that day still haunts me; a man of so many mixed emotions, suffering from the night before, his best friend being wrong and his worst nightmare standing there before him.

He tried to keep himself together but it all proved too much and he collapsed in a heap on the ground. Alas, I had no idea who left it there.


“Countess, I must admit we had not expected to find you out here in this heat and with friends too”.


She proffered a hand which I took, and - under the circumstances of having cocked rifles pointing at me - I felt it wise to kiss. I held my breath, knowing that this siren had often used exotic perfume as an anaesthetic to place men under her control. I am convinced that this was one of the ways in which she ensnared poor Bertie all those years ago ....

I looked her up and down. Dressed in yet another strange military garb she looked nothing like a man, especially with her hair now flowing freely about her elegant neck and shoulders. Gad ! She looked a picture. Bertie had the right idea, I thought. But the spell was broken as she spoke.
“Knolly, always a pleasure, but we must get the nice Mr Harrison-Harrison into a more comfortable position, no ?”

She waved to two of her guards, who shouldered arms and proceeded to pick up my ailing chum. The rest of the men seemed to relax slightly.
“I’m well aware of the condition of your friends - and by that I include Mrs Devries”.


“What…how?”
“Time is short, Knolly and I’m not happy with being here in Africa as well you surmised. But I am under my Kaiser’s orders for the moment and have been ordered to assist you.”
These last words she rather spat out, especially the word "assist" that sounded like a cat hissing.

“Now get out of that ridiculous smoking jacket and put this on. You look like a kindergarten drawing of a toy soldat”.

From the depths of her bag she offered me a dust coloured jacket in the same style as her men.

“So much for my style” I thought as I quickly discarded Bertie’s smoking jacket.
“You have many questions I would think, ja ? Well they can wait. We shall leave mein schatz Mr Harrison-Harrison in the shade of the rocks while you come with me, quickly now and bring your Binokel – ach - your field glasses with you.”

The word darling seemed to go on forever. Just how many “r”s did she put into the pronunciation of that word ? Bertie always said that he liked her “r”s. She then barked orders in Dutch to the rest of the guards, who proceeded to take up defensive positions and melt away into the veldt whilst she jogged off toward a rise in the ground.


“Local people then? “ I mused to myself, tethering the horses. Of the Boers (for that’s clearly what they were) there was no sign except the two making Bertie as comfortable as possible.
By the time I sauntered after her she was prone in the dirt looking towards a growing dust cloud in the distance.
“Get down, kartoffelkopf!” hissed The Countess.
She gave me a swift kick and took my legs away from me. I landed on top of her, but before I could get comfortable, she deftly threw me round and sat atop me.
“Why Knolly! How ungentlemanly!", she quietly exclaimed, grinning down at me.
"Is this how you have been behaving with Mrs Devries up at the big house?” she teased. Her lips pouted as she wagged a well-manicured, admonishing finger at me, then kissed it and placed it on my lips to hush my blustering.


“Countess !” I spluttered out finally. “Obviously you have something to show me.”
My goodness ! What would Bertie make of this situation ? It was a good job that he could not see what was happening.
“But I'd like some answers please. I’ve already knocked one woman out this week so a precedent has been made”. Lord knows how I would have followed through on that threat, given my prone position.


She gave me her hurt look, and with no Gender Benders taken for a while, I was having trouble concentrating. She raised her binoculars to her eye once more and pointed to the dust cloud.

She shifted and allowed me to roll away. I got comfortable on the rocks and pebbles, steadied my elbows and focused. There before me, at the head of 300-plus mounted and armed men, were the unmistakeable figures of Rhodes and Jameson.


“So that’s where he was last night” I gasped. “But who are they ?” I wondered out loud.
“What you see before you Knolly are men formerly of the Bechuanaland Border Police who now are part of the British South Africa Company being moved up to the Transvaal border to support the Uitlanders when they rise up. Together with the Devries Light Horse, they are a force of more than 500. I, like you, need to ensure that their venture fails .... but for different reasons.”
She smiled at the look of shock on my face and then looked me in the eye
“So let us get back to Mr Harrison-Harrison and I can answer all of those questions which you are burning to ask. And then, I suppose, you must get back for your game of tennis”.

My brain was now fizzing away like mad. Was she going to let us go ?

Bertie had come round on our return to him but was clearly not a well man.
“Knolly, its her ! It’s the Countess !”. He tried to stand but was held down by his guard.
“Oh, my poor liebchen ! What did the horrid Doctor do to you in that room?", purred the Countess. "Nothing I can’t cure, I’m sure”.
She slowly winked at me and reached into her pack. My knees began to quiver and Bertie flinched. She pulled out a bottle of tablets and offered them to him.
“Take one of these before each meal and your symptoms will soon wear off. Do what nursey says now” she said in a sing-song voice as she fussed his hair and rubbed his reddening cheek.
Bertie looked as confused as I'd ever seen him.
"Knolly .... is the Countess being .... nice?"

“S’alright Bertie. We seem to be on the same side for the moment and she seems to have been very busy over the last few months finding out much more than we have been able to do.”

The Countess clapped her hands together as if enjoying every minute of our discomfort.
“And now I will see if I can answer your questions. Firstly I have been in Africa as long as you have, although my journey was interrupted by your attack on my transportation. I’m sure you are now aware that we have more than one airship at our disposal.”


I nodded at this and Bertie's eyes just widened
“Secondly, Mrs Devries' maid, Magda is one of my prize acolytes. She has been in regular communication with me throughout your stay and has been tasked with keeping you safe.”
“Maid ? What maid?“ stammered Bertie “What did I miss Knolly?”


I waved this away
“I’m surprised you did not see me at last night's party. Oh yes, I was heavily made up but I think I made a passable Zulu maiden”.
She gave a quick burst of song complete with nasal clicks.


At this Bertie almost went into convulsions.


Control yourself ! I blinked at him. I found my voice at last
“Ah ! That would explain the dark makeup behind the ears; I thought it was yet more camouflage ! And these men are what I believe are known as Kommando? You do know that if caught they’ll be shot on sight?”
“Bravo Knolly ! I see you had all the answers after all”, she smiled.


I smiled back and thought “time to move on”
“…..and now Knolly you must go. This meeting never took place, verstehen ? And we will be back over the border tonight. A great shame, as I was hoping to witness your tennis match and to be introduced to your Mrs Devries.”


“She is not 'my' Mrs Devries !”
“Stimmt ! Quite so, quite so !”. She grinned in a way that I did not like one bit.
“I have a gift for her. One which should help her away from her addiction.”


I put two and two together and got vier.
“It was all your doing ! Your maid put her up to it, didn’t she ? Damn you ! Damn you to hell !” I fought to keep my fists by my sides.”Bertie ! Get the horses…..Now!”


I grabbed the Countess quickly. “You are an evil woman, playing your own games and hurting people as you go”.
“Oh Knolly, ever the Englishman!" She clearly took this as a compliment.
"Thank you for those kind words. I must say, Elspeth did take a little convincing, so I’m told. Now, take this vial before I change my mind and take both you and Mr Harrison-Harrison over the border with me.”

In the nick of time, Bertie arrived on horseback.
“Take it Knolly, and let’s go. Come on, man !”


I grabbed the vial, threw the Countess to the ground and leapt upon Rupert.


“Next time Countess, next time!” I shouted over my shoulder.


The Countess tossed back her head and laughed as we rode off I heard her yell something rather odd
“What did she say ?”, Bertie shouted across to me.

“I think it was ‘beware our empire’”
“What a nerve ! They haven’t got one yet!” replied Bertie

“Or was it ‘beware the umpire’ ?”
“Sounds even dafter if you ask me”

On our journey back, I brought Bertie up to date with what I had seen and what the Countess had told me. I decided not to tell him that the Countess had spent some time sitting on me. I thought that might have distracted him somewhat from the business at hand. We raced back as fast as the horses would go, one - because we were hungry, two - we had to be back before Rhodes and Jameson, and three - we had a tennis match to win.

On our return, I left Bertie in charge of the horses, raced up to my room and charged down the door. Of the maid (or rather, acolyte) Magda, there was no sign. Elspeth lay calm and asleep. I woke her gently. She stirred and her eyes opened.
“Knolly ! Why are you in my bedroom ?”


“Ah , I think some explanations are in order Mrs Devries, over breakfast perhaps ?”

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