h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My favourite came from an army report.

Apparently when a Captain is transferred to a new unit their Commanding Officer sends along an appraisal.

This one is a lovely putdown; "His men will follow him anywhere... but only out of curiosity."

Many years ago when I was doing my bit for Queen and country, and at the time being a new shiny recruit the following took place

Senior Warrent Officer jabbing a recruit with his pace stick :- " There is a piece of s*** at the end of this stick"

Recruit :- " Not at this end there isn't "

or ond a second occasion

W.O. :- " Why isn't your hat on you head lad? "
Recruit :- " because I can't get my head in my pocket "

Of course add in the usual military language for the full effect!!!!

You want Services put-downs?

I would not breed from this officer.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

He must have got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

So dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

- Bels

You missed one said of a Military Ploce man :-

This man is holding back the career of a perfectly good dog!

But a goodly selection