h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When I was at school, one of the standard put-downs was "Are you speaking to me or chewing a brick?", the next line being "Either way, you're going to lose some teeth". It was boring and predictable as the wannabee tough guys used it every time they wanted to show off...

I found the best response was to break in in the middle with "I'm chewing a brick; It's *far* more hygenic than speaking to you."

We had similar toughs. My favorite response was "Sorry, I'd write it out if you could read...."

If we're talking about ones from school, it got quite common for the question, "Do you mind?" to lead to this conversation:

- Do you mind?
- No, I babysit.
- It's cruel to sit on babies.
- I know, but it's cheaper than cushions.

Whilst I'm thinking about it, one of the characters in Stephen Fry's book "The Liar" declares that other perennial schoolboy favourite "Takes one to know one," to be one of the most witless remarks in the English language.

By student times, I'd taken to replying to "What do you think you're looking at? " with "I don't know; it isn't labelled."

I narrowly escaped a few beatings... The confusion allowed me time to escape.

Having been repeatedly assailed by timeshare touts on holiday I worked out a way of dealing with them:
Tout (who's just approached you in the street): "Are you English?"
FM : stares blankly back.
Tout: "You do speak English, don't you?"
FM, in neutral Home Counties accent: "No, I'm sorry old chap, don't speak a word of that".
Tout: "Er...you DO speak English, don't you?"
FM: "Soory, No. Can't understand a word of the language. Must being going now. I suggest you talk to someone who understands what you're saying. Toodle pip."
Tout wanders off bewilderedly.

Great fun. It's far better than hurling abuse, which is what I used to do.

"Are you talking to me or chewing a brick? - Either way, you're going to lose some teeth!"

*NOW* I understand it! I've been wondering about that for more than thirty years - for several years since I first heard it at school, and it didn't make any sense. The problem was, of course, that the people who used it obviously didn't know the second line, so it just came across as a surreal statement.

Thank you for clearing that up!

The most popular elementary-school comeback, back when I was there, was "I'm rubber, you're glue, anything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!"

For the ultimate in ass kicking, wait for some guy, even a friend, to try to sit next to you.

He has to ask "Is anyone sitting here?"
Say "No"
When he begins to sit down, say "What the hell? I told you no-one was sitting there. F*** off!

look serious for a few seconds, then laugh with them.