Websailor's Wacky Wildlife World
Created | Updated May 7, 2008
A quirky look at wildlife. To be taken with a pinch of
salt, but with more than a grain of truth!
Winter is here in the Northern Hemisphere and it is snowing heavily as I write. The garden is full of hungry birds who need food, so what should you do?
'Feed the Birds, Tuppence a Bag' — yeah, right! That's not quite true in the 21st Century, but more of that later. Like most ideas, our own wildlife diner started small. To my amazement, just like Topsy, it grew and grew, and is now a flourishing concern with clients from all over the world, and virtual
franchises spreading fast throughout the UK to Australia, Canada, the USA, Argentina and beyond! McWebbie's Fast Food (Wildlife) Diner is hereby
officially launched.
Perhaps I should start from the beginning for the benefit of the uninitiated. Your first time is always memorable for various reasons, isn't it? I know mine
was. It starts with racing heart and shaking limbs, followed by a big smile. You can't quite believe your luck! The first desire is to repeat it, just to be
sure you weren't imagining it. Then you want to tell the world. But who to tell? First, they must be discreet — that goes without saying. Then understanding. Friends are split in to two camps: those who think you are a sad individual, and those who are downright jealous. You can't tell the neighbours for fear of prying eyes!
What to do? Well, I'll tell you what I did. I put a journal entry on h2g2. Sympathetic people flocked to express their excitement and sympathy at my plight, and from that first thrill a new thread was born! Christened 'My Heart is Still Thumping', my offspring has grown and flourished and is now coming in grown-up form to The Post on h2g2.
Hang on a minute, though — wasn't this supposed to be about watching wildlife?! Yes, well, we are mammals too, aren't we? A bit of people watching is part of the deal. The chief attribute needed to watch wildlife with any success is patience, lots of it! So bear with me just a little longer if you will.
The cause of this excitement and adrenalin rush? After feeding birds, etc for three years, the climax came at 4.15am on Thursday, 4 August, 2005. I felt as if I had been waiting for this all my life. I SAW A BADGER IN MY GARDEN! I had never seen one wild before, and to find it in my own garden, visiting me,
was a gift beyond price. Of course this wasn't my first 'first', if you see what I mean! My first sparrowhawk, goldfinch, woodpecker, nuthatch, bullfinch, jay, fox, wood mouse, etc produced a similar reaction.
Back to the Diner. The pleasure, knowledge, friendship and fun that sharing this event has brought has led me to form McWebbie's Fast Food Diner, which has really been the subject of the aforesaid thread. It is a 'virtual' fast food restaurant for wildlife, based on real life. This new official title, in honour of my friends on h2g2, is the culmination of an enterprise which started some three years ago as a back-garden experiment. Looking for something to brighten up the dark days of winter, I started feeding the birds seriously for the first time and had about seven clients originally. The fare was simple: bread, cheese, suet, peanuts and fresh water. All good quality, and it was clearly popular. As word spread, our clientele grew and visitors came from as far afield as Europe, Africa and Scandinavia. Even a few celebrities dropped in from time to time. The menu was extended to suit these more sophisticated palates.
As with any diner, you have your regulars and you get to know them, their families, friends and enemies. Who's with who, who's left who, who lost his beloved partner to Ginger Devil, how little Missie grew up to be cheeky and pinched Boss Man's food. You hear about Two Jags (whoops, sorry, I mean two jays), Frosty, Foxy Lady and Half Tail. Then you get to know those cheeky little squirrels Dyson, Hoover and Goblin, the amorous antics of Lovey Dovey and the stalking habits of wood pigeons. Not to mention the headbanging nutcase Woody Woodpecker. As with most eating establishments you get the usual crowd of local Bovver Boys from the city, the cowardly bully called Mags and poor little Stumpy. The clientele would not be complete without the occasional gangster Spawk. Along the way you also get to learn a lot, especially what the books and bird guides get wrong or don't tell you.
Becoming A Virtual Franchisee
To start such a concern is quite simple. If you wish to become a virtual franchisee of McWebbie's Fast Food Diner, there are a few simple facts you should know and a few simple rules to follow. After that it's plain sailing! However, novices must remember, if you put peanut cake, bird pudding or mealworms in the fridge, you must label them clearly in case some dozy
teenager fancies a snack after his curry and XXXX night out.
Startup Costs
The initial cost is minimal. A small bird table, seed and peanut feeders, a bag of seed, a bag of peanuts, some food scraps and a dish for water. A table can be homemade, feeders are easily obtainable (good Xmas pressies!) and a pyrex casserole lid or old dustbin lid for water will do for starters. A large bottle brush to clean the feeders, an old washing-up brush to clean the table and a scraper for same are essential. I use an old garden hoe with the handle cut down. Gloves, of the washing-up kind, are advisable too. Your attempt to feed the birds might produce some surprising results. Be prepared.
Food Storage
Anywhere cool, dry and vermin-proof is appropriate. My suppliers advised against storing in the airing cupboard or under the bed for health reasons. Personally, a peanut, raisin, sunflower and oat snack in the middle of the night would go down quite well and is not much different from cereal bars or muesli! 'Not for Human Consumption', however, so the temptation is best resisted.
Expanding Your Operation
As your clientele increases, you may find that you need more stock, classier equipment and more storage space. A trip to see your friendly neighbourhood bank
manager, clutching a business plan, is sure to elicit a sympathetic response and more funds will become available immediately.
Food can be bought in bulk and delivered to your door. Google 'Wild Bird Food' to find a suitable supplier. More feeders are essential, but if you have grey squirrels visiting your eatery, then don't waste your hard-earned cash on plastic feeders. The little varmints will only chew them to bits and you will
find yourself buying more expensive metal ones. Buy metal first: it is a better investment.
Eventually you may find yourself using the shed, the garage, the coal bunker, the cupboard under the stairs, the loft and a metal dustbin for storage. Never fear: if push comes to shove, your other half can sleep in the bath! Of course, if you live alone, no one is likely to enquire in to your strange habits, and I certainly won't.
Profit And Loss For This Larger Undertaking
Loss first: increasingly substantial sums of money. Hours of daylight whiled away. Housework and DIY not done. I will be honest with you: I don't know any franchisee, official or otherwise, who has dared to do their accounts! They would rather buy fewer groceries, turn the heating down and share the food on their plates than risk the wrath of their partner if the truth came out. Needless to say, the bank manager is less than useless when the credit card goes over its limit! Oh, incidentally, this trait is not just a feminine foible. There are many men who are closet franchisees, too.
Profit: hours of entertainment, improved observational skills and better physical fitness. However, in my case BTO1 also benefited, as I began recording birds and wildlife for them. For anyone housebound, it is an enormous tonic for both brain and
body, sharpening the senses too. I even look forward to bad weather! Hmm!! Brr!!
On second thoughts, forget the accounts and just enjoy!
Now for the Rules by which you must abide or be disenfranchised instantly:
- Keep feeders topped up.
- Clean up surplus food and waste daily to avoid unwanted visitors.
- Change water as needed.
- Clean feeders, tables and bird baths regularly.
- Discourage cats or buy collars with bells for your own beloved moggies.
- Wear gloves when handling feeders, tables, etc and wash your hands thoroughly afterwards.
- Feeding areas should be disinfected regularly to prevent disease and feeders moved periodically to avoid a build-up of waste.
Try it! You might be surprised at what visits your garden during the day and what lurks in the shadows in the dead of night.
WARNING: a word before I go: beware! Embarking on this wildlife adventure is like having any other offspring: it can lead to sleepless nights,
ridiculously early mornings and an empty larder. This pastime is addictive. There is no counselling service currently available and oh, by the way, just to be on the safe side and meet all Health and Safety requirements, this article may contain nuts!
Join me next time for the latest hot gossip about Missie, Half Tail, Frosty, Lovey Dovey and the Bovver Boys and some real 'nature in the raw' action. We might even visit some more exotic wildlife in far-away places from time to time. Your life might never be the same again!
Websailor's Wacky Wildlife World Archive
