The Gauntlet Challenge: Prof's Method
Created | Updated Sep 19, 2010
A couple of weeks ago, we threw down the gauntlet to our readers and writers.
After the editors stopped hopping around (the gauntlet was left over from Malabarista's collection of medieval armour) we sat back and waited for the submissions to roll in. And roll in they did. Apparently, we were right: You folks know how to fix the world's problems. And you can do it in a thousand words or less. We are proud of you – if occasionally alarmed by the suggestions.
True to form, Prof Animal Chaos' fertile brain refused to come up with merely one idea. He's thrown the whole 
at us. Do what we do – surrender, sit back, enjoy.
- Start
- Find a large piece of string and tie one end round the earth, with the other end round the moon. Reason being, that if/when a giant asteroid heads towards the earth to strike the planet, it'll just swing round and return to its present orbit.
- Transfer all known diseases and disabilities from the good people of the world, passing them on to the bad people of the earth. The rest doesn't need to be printed.
- Unfurl giant solar sails in space and have adverts on them: Planet to rent! Attention needed, but scope for development to right tenants, in-house staff in attendance after retraining.
- Too drastic a measure to write down – would be too many "Against My Human Rights" infringements, though, even though it would be the best option.
- Only 841 words left (not counting "only 841 words left" and the words in these brackets).
- Check to see if you've started, if not, go back to Part One and kick yourself for missing it. Time is essential in saving the world!
- Copy all the planets' politicians who pass the buck, with the "It's always someone else's fault." syndrome, so THEY can fix it.
- Watch Saving Private Ryan just in case there are some good tips you can pick up.
- In case of the worst case scenario and you don't actually get to save the world, find a good looking female with a great personality, to start a new world with – Delete Part Ten if you've had a vasectomy, or if you'd like to pretend.
- Build a stock of board games, there'll be no electricity, so no PCs, internet and games consoles to play on.
- Just have a re-cap on WHAT actually is going to destroy the world; your solutions could have a bearing on your next course of action/s.
- If you're superstitious: Then the world's doomed, ain't it?
- Build a nice cottage (covered by a sealed dome, of course) on the moon and have a transmitter there so you can conduct your world saving techniques from a safe distance, as some bright
bulb brain might not understand your instructions and press the wrong buttons or something similar. - You definitely HAVE started to save the world, haven't YOU? Best go back to Part One and double check. Plus, someone else might have started to save the world before you and THAT could have repercussions if they think you're muscling in on their glory.
- Check in the local news papers for any offers, it could be your last chance of getting a bargain or two. BUT! – my advice is, don't get a time-share option on an apartment in a holiday resort for the – err – time being.
- Cancel your milk and paper deliveries and put your mortgage payments on hold. Why waste money if your home is going to be destroyed along with your country?
- Wait for Windows 67, there might be a program that can help you save the world (at a nominal price, of course.
) - Nineteen! That was the alleged average age of the US Soldier serving in Vietnam, but that doesn't have any bearing on the age required to save the world. Except that the older you are, the less running about you'll be able to do. Running a lot might be a much needed requirement in your attempts to save the planet.
- Sit and ponder if you think you have the time! As in "Saving the World" does that mean the world as in "The Planet"? And, does that also include the buildings in general and all the man-made structures, because THAT could be a bridge too far. Does it mean leave the world as such and save the people? But if you save only the people, where are you going to put them if the world is destroyed? Then there are the public relations to consider, about which part of the world you start saving FIRST. This could start a war of nations as each country would want to be saved first. But! Still pondering, if the people of the planet do start a world war, they'll kill themselves off and THEN you ONLY have the planet to save – decisions! decisions!
- If you're still sat pondering, get off your backside and begin putting your thoughts into action, but can you remember what actions you are going to take and in which order? Could be best to head for a stationary shop for pens and notepads, to jot ideas down, assuming that there are still some standing in the vicinity where you are. There might have been a few, but you were sat pondering, weren't you? I wouldn't mind betting you had still some batteries left for your gameboy and did a few Mario levels. Tsk! Tsk!
- Did you remember to take that book back to the library? Because if it takes a few years to save the world and get back to some form of civilised society, the fine will be astronomical on it. Also stock up on bottled water, not so much for drinking but a good bargaining chip if things look nasty with the remnants of the human race you were supposed to be saving! That's if you've included them with the world as a full package.
Go save the world! – No Part 23! Bye, bye!!!!!!!!!!!!
Poetry and Fiction by Prof Animal Chaos Archive
