Dancing on tables - being more lucrative than waiting tables - presents some opportunities for the genetically well-endowed with some physical coordination skills to make a killing for college tuition or whatever.

Now if you just got off the boat from Alpha Centauri or wherever, you might not comprehend what I just said, so let me explain in my best intergalactic dialect ok?

There are places on planet earth where humans gather, mostly male humans or guys, to be convivial - or drunk to use the colloquial term - while watching naked or nearly naked human females dance on tables for money. And we human females, also known as girls, hope they have a lot of money to spend too because that, and residual moments of inertia, are what makes the world go round.

Now if you're a human female with a nice body or aspire to be, read on because I have some helpful hints for you. And if you're a male human or guy with rippling pectoral muscles, you can probably do some of this stuff too, in the proper venue that is. That's why you have to determine what gender you are. Like if you're a girl, it helps to have breasts, also known as a nice set of knockers.

We're going to concentrate on girls for now because that's how we were raised ok? So once you've checked out your anatomy to confirm that you do have breasts, you're ready to get started.

Of course even a girl without a huge bosom can get by if she's creative with her dance routines and she knows how to pose. That's a little difficult to articulate of course, but you'll know it when you see it so just checkout what other girls are doing and always remember, repetitive repetition is only exciting if you're doing it yourself. Watching it only causes people to yawn... repetitively.

For instance, you can get down into a reverse all fours position supported on your hands and feet with your navel pointing at the ceiling ok? Then you skitter around the table hoping the guys will put money or other negotiable paper in your thong panties or garters because they're grateful for getting an eyeful. It also helps to similate pelvic motions associated with human mating displays also known as sex.

Unfortunately, this can get old, that is boring, pretty quickly because guys have attention spans somewhat shorter than house flys. So it helps to have some other stuff you can do to keep the interest and money accumulating.

Being able to climb or shinny up a chrome-plated pole is a very useful skill to include in a really creative routine. In many places these poles are actually installed in the centers of the tables, which have centers because they're round so all the guys sitting at them get pretty much the same show and don't have to yell, 'Down in front!' or something.

However, you need to be able to do this stuff with some semblance of grace. And if you seem to be a little uncoordinated the first time, don't despair because you may already have the requisite skills. For instance, you could practice the routines from those gymnastics lessons your mama paid for that went for nothing because you got breasts before you got on the Olympic team.

Applying your youthful gymnastic skills diligently, you can quickly learn how to strip while hanging from your clenched thighs upsidedown without falling on your head. Stripping upsidedown is also known as giving the audience serendipitous viewing opportunities because it might cause your breasts to pop out of your bra almost by accident encouraging the guys to giggle and knowingly nudge each other thereby contributing to male bonding or whatever it's called.

You'll soon realise, too, that pole dancing is sort of different from what fireman do when they slide down one because the idea is not to put out the fire but to start one. That's because poles aren't just poles to the guys watching.

They're actually symbols of what guys play with to make themselves go blind or something. So just take your time, with the beat of course, and don't encourage the guys play with their 'symbols' or they'll go blind and won't see your act.

Also remember that all your moves should be orbital, as in going around in a circle or ellipse, so you don't get to the end of something, jerk yourself out of joint, and risk a collision with an asteroid or the floor. Plus stay in shape to avoid injuries from straining muscles you didn't know you had because you never bothered to ask your body where those muscles were. Remember too that guys aren't going to pay to see something they can see at home for free.

For instance you might note that his wife already has a paying day job and maybe even a prenuptial agreement that entitles her to at least half his assets, dead or alive. So she doesn't have much incentive to keep her abs enticing.

But you do because you want to keep your night job and stay in the running for the thousand dollar 'private performance' opportunities that sometimes present themselves along with the high rollers, also known as the guys who are top executive officers of obscenely overvalued multinational corporations.

Heck they might even take you to Cancun for a week and really make your month, so don't be shy. Give it try and the rest of the night is yours babe... or theirs.

lilithcookie

02.05.02 Front Page

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