1. Gaelic, lit. 'Water of Life'. Pronounced ishker-vahr. Whisky to the Scots, whiskey to the Irish. Described in more detail here.

2. A medium-sized pub in Woodlands Road¹, in the West End of Glasgow.

Described by some as one of the finest pubs in all Christendom, and by others as looking like a toilet block (from the outside anyway). From the outside, it does indeed look a little more discreet than your average pub, with just the sign (with many curly bits) giving the game away. The windows are high and small, and contain stained-glass panes dangling merrily inside. There are small green neon signs above the main doors that spell words unpronounceable. There are in fact four doorways, corresponding to the four rooms that make up the place. The ones at the ends are fire exits only (although they tend to be used as general exits anyway). It was not always thus, but for some reason people booking the end rooms got rather miffed by new arrivals wandering through their private function.

And In We Go...

Enter one of the main doorways through the rather narrow double sets of swing doors, and the interior of the place makes itself known. And quite possibly jumps up and down on your head with heavy boots on. There are several aspects of the interior that combine to make up the unique ambience. Bucking the trend to totally revamp every couple of years, Uisge Beatha has evolved over the years to the point where no two chairs are alike and one wall now sports a painting of ... the wall (which looks remarkably similar). Mention of chairs leads us on to...

The Furniture

Some pubs have seats with co-ordinated covers. In some places they even match the carpet. But not here. The furniture here generally falls into the category of 'Well, it looks roughly like a chair. We'll use it'. There are benches, Chesterfield sofas, church pews, a chaise-longue, red velvet things and seats with those woven sisal squab things (you know, the incredibly uncomfortable ones). The tables are of venerable and varied stock, but are generally flat, level, and heavy - always a good thing in a pub. Then there are the 'other' items, such as a couple of wooden Indians, an old lamppost, a couple of old dressers, and of course, the piano. These tend to be of a mobile nature, as the staff like to try and confuse the regulars every now and again. Which neatly leads us on to...

The Staff

The staff are generally fairly good, and service is usually reasonable. Most of the male staff wear kilts, just in case you forget that this is a Scottish bar. Other indications of Scottishness include...

The Tartan

Yes, there is a fair amount of this about, usually draped over the furniture for no discernible reason, or indeed, in the case of one scarf, used to hang an effigy of Mad Mags by the neck².

The Food

It's pretty good, and a bit different from the standard chain pub fare. Traditional Scottish dishes feature strongly, such as mince and tatties, neeps (turnips) and haggis etc.

The Layout

Being part of a block of terraced flats, the pub is made from four rooms in a line, all on slightly different levels. Watch out for the stairs! There are bars in the two middle rooms, although the top one doesn't usually open until the place fills up a bit. The two end rooms are sometimes booked for private events, leading to resigned grumbles from the rest of the clientele.

The Clientele

They run the full range from beardy CAMRA (Campaign For Real Ale) members, through wonky students to besuited office types. And Munchkins.

The Wall Hangings

On the walls may be found the stuffed heads of many animals, ranging from a humble (but extremely vicious-looking) fox to a bison. Most of these have plaques engraved with something along the lines of 'Col Henry Farquar-Biggleswade, 1907, Serengeti', and are a testament to the rapacity of man when let loose in darkest Africa with guns. On the plus side, the antlers are handy for hanging Christmas decorations from. There are also paintings of various ages, displaying various degrees of talent.

The Whisky

There is a goodly selection, serried in ranks above the bars. Actually, 'goodly' doesn't really cover the range present, something like 'oh my gawd' is a more common description. After all, given the name of the place, what do you expect? There is also a decent selection of other drinks, including IPA, 80/-, Fraoch and (very occasionally) Orkney Dark Island.

A Testimonial From a Regular

Things I don't like are the way the third room (facing into town) becomes impossible to navigate by ten o'clock on a Friday, the disappearance of Gillespies (a rather good stout, brewed by Scottish & Newcastle plc, and yet they keep the mirror to taunt us) and their habit of closing off the top room for parties which I am not invited to. These things are forgiven due to the fact they have never barred me or thrown me out, despite the fact that one of the paintings distinctly says 'Ack' on it, due to writing in Whisky on it once. One of my friends was thrown out once, but that was because he tried to have sex with one of the wooden Indians on his stag night.

All in all it is a grand pub, even if it does look a bit like a prison from the outside. Well, used to. They have now put up a sign to say it is a pub, which somewhat ruins the image.

And on that note, sláinte!³