This a 'bonus week' of outtakes to Giford's Bible Study Programme.

When I set myself the challenge of writing 52 essayettes on the Bible, at first I thought that it was a stiff challenge. For a while, I was concerned that I would not be able to find 52 interesting points, and would have to fall back on the repetitive sex and violence that makes up so much of the NT.

As time passed, however, it soon became clear that there are a lot more than 52 surprising, alarming or ridiculous passages in the Bible, and for a while I considered doing 'Another 52 Weeks'.

I finally decided against that - I'd used all my best material anyway - and instead I have grouped the remaining material into a laundry list of lunacy. This is a mixture of verses that are only superficially as bad as they sound, that didn't seem appropriate, or for which I simply didn't have room in the series. Finally, I tried to alternate two OT verses with one NT (the OT is longer and frankly nastier than the NT; the NT has some really good verses in places, and this study should not conceal that fact), so several NT quotes didn't make it in.

Missing Body, Missing Verse

Then arose Peter, and ran unto the sepulchre; and stooping down, he beheld the linen clothes laid by themselves, and departed, wondering in himself at that which was come to pass.

- Luke 24:12

Peter's witness of Jesus' empty tomb is missing in early accounts (and possibly based on John).

A nice example of a documented alteration to the scriptures, but similar in substance to a couple I already had. This verse is missing in many early witnesses. Again, my primary source was Misquoting Jesus by Bart Ehrman. Ehrman gives several reasons to suppose that the verse was added, rather than removed - it supports the orthodox view againt 'heresies' that Jesus was resurrected in spirit but not in body, gives a 'reliable' male witness to the Resurrection, and uses words ('linen cloths') not found elsewhere in Luke.

But in the end, I'd already covered deliberate alterations to scripture.

The Straight Dope

Take thou also unto thee principal spices, of pure myrrh five hundred shekels, and of sweet cinnamon half so much, even two hundred and fifty shekels, and of sweet calamus two hundred and fifty shekels, and of cassia five hundred shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary, and of oil olive an hin: and thou shalt make it an oil of holy ointment, an ointment compound after the art of the apothecary: it shall be an holy anointing oil.

- Exodus 30:23-25

So what is 'calmus'? It has been proposed that it might be cannabis.

In the end, I decided that this was too controversial. Delightful though the idea of stoned Hebrew priests is, there is no convincing evidence that this translation is correct, or if it is that the use was as an intoxicant.

On Christians

The evangelists were fiction-writers - not observers or eyewitnesses of the life of Jesus. Each of the four contradicts the other in writing his account of the events of his suffering and crucifixion.

- Porphyry, Against the Christians 2, 12-15, quoted in Ehrman, Misquoting Jesus

I've tried to break my Bible Study up with an occasional verse from elsewhere. In the event, this ended up restricted to a single verse from the non-canonical Gospel of Thomas, which I used as an excuse to point out that Thomas is probably at least as good a source for the historical Jesus as any of the Cannonical Gospels. But at one stage I was planning to include verses from the Apocrypha and non-Christian scriptures. Porphyry was the one who came closest to getting in, writing in the Third Century.

Even a century earlier, Celsus was making similar claims:

Some believers, as though from a drinking bout, go so far as to oppose themselves and alter the original text of the gospel three or four or several times over, and change its character to enable them to deny difficulties in the face of criticism.

A Hard Day's Night

Paul repeatedly declares that 'By the deeds of the law there shall no flesh be justified in his sight. [...] A man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law.' (Romans 3:20,28).

By contrast, much of the book of James is given over to arguing that 'faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.' (James 2:17). Indeed, James appears to have been written in direct response to Paul, as both use the same example, the prostitute Rahab who harboured Josua's spies and was therefore spared when the city was destroyed. Paul claims that 'By faith the harlot Rahab perished not with them that believed not, when she had received the spies with peace.'¹, whereas James asks 'Was not Rahab the harlot justified by works, when she had received the messengers, and had sent them out another way?'².

Thrown to the Liars

And they stoned Stephen

- Acts 7:59

Stephen is the only martyr in the Bible. The usual apologetic idea of witnesses willing to die for their faith is based entirely on hearsay. The actual record of persecution of early Christians is in fact very sparse; Paul's claim that he 'persecuted the church of God'³ sounds very unlikely given the importance of the pax Romana, the Roman law that prevented one group of Roman subjects from attacking another.

Lack of Spirit

If I bear witness of myself, my witness is not true.

- John 5:31

Jesus answered and said unto them, Though I bear record of myself, yet my record is true

- John 8:14

This initially sounds like a clear contradiction.

However, a reasonable defence based the on the doctrine of the Trinity is possible. The trouble is that Jesus doesn't mention 'the Trinity' (here or anywhere else) - he speaks of being one with 'The Father'. So although I decided not to include this as a contradiction, it does highlight a problem in Christian orthodoxy - but one I have already highlighted elsewhere.

Seeing Doubles

And when she knew Peter's voice, she opened not the gate for gladness, but ran in, and told how Peter stood before the gate.

And they said unto her, 'Thou art mad.' But she constantly affirmed that it was even so. Then said they, 'It is his angel.'

- Acts 12:14-15

Everyone has an angel that looks just like them, or at least so the early Christians believed.

The Theological Tip-Ex Comes Out Again

Thou art my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.

- Mark 1:11 / Luke 3:23

There is an alternate reading: 'you are my son, today I have begotten you'. Almost all the early quotations support the latter reading, giving another example of how scripture was altered for theological reasons by early Christians; it is now doctrine that Jesus was 'unbegotten', existing for all time.

Plain Speaking About Parables

And the disciples came, and said unto him, 'Why speakest thou unto them in parables?'



He answered and said unto them, 'Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand. And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Esaias, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive: For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.'

- Matt 13:10-15

Jesus talks in parables so that people won't understand him. If they understood him, he would be forced to heal them. This would have been close to the top of my list for inclusion if I'd had an extra couple of weeks.

It Don't Mean A Thing If You Ain't Got Foreskins

And Saul said, 'Thus shall ye say to David, 'The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies.'' But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.



And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king's son in law: and the days were not expired. Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.



And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David, and that Michal Saul's daughter loved him.

- 1 Sam 18:25-27

How can you ever really know if someone is in love with you? If they bring your father twice as many foreskins as he asks for! God's ongoing mission to rid the human race of foreskins continues.

Secret Identity II

[Jesus] turned, and said unto Peter, 'Get thee behind me, Satan'.

- Matthew 16:23

Is that any way to speak to the future Pope?

The Walking Dead II

Now if Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead? But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen; and if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain.

- 1 Corinthians 15:12-14

The dead must come back to life, otherwise Christians would be wrong, which is obviously impossible.

Don't Need No Education

All flesh is not the same flesh: but there is one kind of flesh of men, another flesh of beasts, another of fishes, and another of birds. There are also celestial bodies, and bodies terrestrial: but the glory of the celestial is one, and the glory of the terrestrial is another. There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars: for one star differeth from another star in glory.

- 1 Cor 15:39-41

Following on the impeccable logic, humans, 'beasts', fish and birds are each a different 'kind of flesh'. The sun 'differs in glory' from the stars. So goodbye modern biology and astronomy then.

The Literal Commandment

Jesus said unto him, 'If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me. [...] It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

- Matthew 19:21-24

Christians must sell all their possessions and give proceeds to the poor.

Strangely, this is one verse that is very rarely taken literally by even the most fundamentalist Christians, despite the fact that Jesus plainly meant it very literally. Oh, and there never was an 'Eye of the Needle Gate' in Jerusalem or any other city, for any who have heard that particular urban mythterpretation. Jesus is saying it is impossible for the rich to enter heaven, not merely that it is inconveniently difficult.

Bonus Track: Luke, The Director's Cut

I also cut a section from my third Quarterly Special:

The other claim is that Luke's use of 'Politarch' as a term for the ruler of Thessalonica indicates detailed knowledge of the First Century. Here, the archaeology is indisputable; in 1835, a gateway bearing an inscription with the word 'politarch' was discovered, and this 'Vardar Gate' is now in the British Museum. However, the claim that 'skeptics widely used the absence of the word 'politarch' in Greek literature to claim Luke was inaccurate' is itself dubious. For a start, this can only be true of 'skeptics' writing before 1835, for obvious reasons. It is notable that no such skeptics are ever named. In fact, the reverse is true; the title was known from inscriptions long before 1835.

For instance, in 1770, in the Hist, de l'Acad des Inscriptions, torn, xxxviii. p. 125 (a.d. 1770-2), in an article by M. l'Abbe Belley, entitled, 'Observations sur l'liistoire et sur les Monumens de la ville de Thessalonique' he mentions 'le nom de Politarche sur les marbres de cette ville: [...] Cette inscription et plusieurs autres ont ete envoyees de Thessalonique en 1746, par M. Germain, Consul de France'

So here we have a reference to inscriptions mentioning 'politarchs' going back nearly a century before the Vardar Arch, and 250 years before the present - so I would have to question what 'skeptics' were writing in that period.

Furthermore, many more inscriptions bearing this word from several cities are now known (16 seems to be a number bandied about), so it appears that this was not a particularly rare word at all when Luke was writing at the end of the first century; his use of it therefore does not denote any particularly specific knowledge.

This just seemed a bit long and random for inclusion, especially given most people have not heard the claim about 'politarchs' anyway.

Temple Time

And Jesus went out, and departed from the temple: and his disciples came to him for to shew him the buildings of the temple. And Jesus said unto them, See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down

- Matt 24:1-2

This prediction of the destruction of the Temple places the authorship of Matthew after 70 AD, when the Romans destroyed the Temple as revenge for a Jewish uprising. Christians, of course, see this as a fulfilled prophecy

Useful Resources

Some of these I have shamelessly plundered for inspiration, but all contain material I did not use:

• Top 50 stories for kids (a direct response to Cliff Richard)
• most 'badass' stories
• A laundry-list of 'dark' verses
• 101 Myths of the Bible - An intriguing list to promote the book of the same name - but only a couple are available online, and I'm too cheap (and busy) to buy the book.
• More random offensive verses
• Yikes! - sounds like us atheists are having a hard time.
• Christians list 10 verses they wish were not in the Bible
• And again