h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here are some of my favourites:

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the definition of “perfect pitch”?
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Why don’t violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.

What’s the difference between a dead squirrel and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the squirrel.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the range of a viola?
As far as you can kick it.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.

If you're lost in the desert, whom do you ask for directions? A good viola player, a bad viola player, or a large white rabbit?
The bad viola player. The other two are only mirages.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a Jeep with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.

How does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.

What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970.

Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.

What is the main requirement at the “International Viola Competition”?
Hold the viola from memory.

How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

No hard feelings, violists. I'm one myself, so I'm entitled to say all this.

Yay! Another fellow viola-player! This morning I knew of no others, and know I count 5!

Oh, there are lots out there if you look hard enough!