Just because you're paranoid/Don't mean they're not after you.

THEY are all out to get you. This is a fact. Paranoia is not some kind of self-delusion brought on by far too many conspiracy theories. Paranoia is a necessary survival trait. It is important to cultivate the haunted look, the need to look over your shoulder every ten seconds, and the ability to mutter convincingly about them whilst moving from shadow-lit doorway to dark alley. Oh, and approaching random strangers in the street to ask whether said stranger is one of them is a good habit to get into. Of course, they are watching you all the time, but at least this way they know that you know that they are watching you.

About them

THEY can either be a secret government department, an intergalactic bounty hunting agency, the marshmallows (only the pink ones, obviously), or any group of your own choosing or invention. They are out to get you. There could be many reasons for this. Maybe you stumbled on their plot to take control of the world through the subliminal advertising of verruca cream, maybe you were the witness to a bunch of them slowly sucking a man's brains out through his testicles. Maybe they are just a nasty mean bunch of muthas who happened to pick on you. As a general rule, you will not know who they are *. Take a good look around you. Any one of 'em could be one of them. The guy over there, for example. He's GOT to be one of them. Did you see that? He definitely looked at you.

What to do about them

Now you have your conspiracy theory, it's time to take action. Obviously, you can't fight them, they're way too powerful. What you can do is to make sure that they don't catch up with you. Tell as many people as possible what they are up to, as well. Accosting people in darkened doorways is the acceptable method of doing this. Be sure to practice the manic gleam of the eye in a mirror beforehand, as this can be tricky. Speak in a loud, rasping whisper if possible, and inject a degree of urgency into your voice, as they could find you at any minute. Make yourself more convincing by showing evidence of what they are up to, or providing witnesses, such as a white marshmallow who is able to swear blind that the pink 'uns are a nasty lot, or a picture of the apparently innocuous building under which lies the secret government research laboratory...

If people don't believe you, don't be downheartened. They have probably already got to them. Brainwashed them too, most likely. They'll go to any lengths to cover this one up. Besides, if someone refuses to believe you, it's their own fault. They'll find out soon enough when they take charge/ reveal their true identities/ kill everyone. You know the truth. Look over your shoulder again. Are they behind you?

Run. Hide. Build yourself a little leadlined bunker*. That's better.