h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm reminded of a favorite parodic theme, "...the kitten snarled tangle...", sung to the tune of "Anacreon in Heaven" a popular drinking song of the second decade of the 19th century which doubtless occasioned much mirth when inexperienced or unrehearsed or untrained singers had their voice break at the difficult register change... . The line "...the kitten snarled tangle..." of course to immediately precede that register change.

Four panel cartoon concept: panel 1. Sleepy cat switching tail; panel 2. Still sleepy cat rolls over, still switching tail; panel 3. Cat is suddenly awake, alert poised, ears pointed slightly forward; panel 4. Cat is still alert and poised. Thought bubble appears over its head: "It wiggled!".

I'm still giving the ideal cat toy concept thought. They never seem happier than when unraveling a knit sweater with one fore paw while unrolling the ball of yarn its being knitted from with the other.

Sounds cats like: I used to call the cats at meal times or on other occasions they were needed by calling out loudly: "He...re! kitty, kitty, kitty, puss, puss, puss, fi...shh!"; and there they all would be, gathered about in a semi-circle facing me, faith and expectancy in their little eyes, wagging their little tails. These days, I usually use bird cries, chirruping like a small bird.

Sounds Cats Like: ...the cry of the electric can opener...

First Essays: Actual Ideal Cat Toys Concepts:

Item One:

Busted Wing Toy: Small bird (sparrow) sized toy that simulates motions of small bird feigning busted wing, weakly flapping partially extended wing, meanwhile chirruping frantically, as realistically as possible. Jumps a foot or so every 3 seconds, first falling silent before the jump, resuming after impact.

Stiff, but flexible, plastic endoskeletal structure, tough polyethylene covering for mechanism, velvet exterior covering (excepting, possibly, simulated plastic pin feathers on partially extended wing)(other wing held close to body). Weighted and balanced to land on jumping legs (most of the time). Battery receptacle under second wing. Dacron fill.

Comes with a consumer warning that the manufacturer assumes no responsibility for the inevitable destruction of the toy by the cat, or dacron fill and other toy parts spread all over the carpet and house and furniture.

To be sold in singles and six packs.

Item Two:

Dangling bird toy flapping its tiny wings and chirruping frantically, alternately being drawn up and lowered a foot above the just out reach
level.

Construction similar to that of item one.

Prime level and draw and timing adjustable at least on prototypes. Will take a little cut and try to get everything just right. Three second intervals are probably pretty close to correct, though.

Consumer warnings the same as with item one.

Item Three:

Taken on the principle that the most expensive cat toy is the one that the cat is most likely to ignore; and the principle that if there's nothing in it for the cat, it won't play.

48" computer touch screen table. It needs to be expansive so that the cat will have room to sprawl and will feel comfortable lazily lolling about on top. Something in it for the cat: 1. Wiggly fish or bird or mouse icon that responds to a paw pat by means of automatically dispensing a small amount of kitty kibble into the cat food dish. 2. Flowing water pictures or wiggly wavy lines icon that responds to a paw pat automatically dispensing measured amount of water into cat's water dish. (Fail safe features: food and water dish platforms on scales that prevent system from operating over a reasonable weight of food or water in dishes.) 3. Door opening control with swinging door icon alternately opening and closing (motion is always important to fixate cat's attention). Advanced options: closed circuit TV covering approaches to and grounds of the house with touch screen controls giving control of automatic water sprinklers and lights to the cat. Its possible that with training some adult cats may be able to learn to use the system, but early imprinting is important.