h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No, not just an attention- grabbing headline. The type of bum that hangs around on street corners, providing local colour. Perhaps there's some PC term for them; the 'inebriated unemployables'. Anyway, just get a tatty old hat (preferably a bowler), some kind of grubby shirt and waistcoat and scuffed old boots. The object is to make you look like the Little Tramp (a cross between Napoleon and Courtney Love). Now get an empty cider bottle, label ripped off and stagger into the party late. If you're lucky, people will talk fo weeks about your sparkling wit and acuity. If not, they may think you are actually a bum. If this happens, take advantage of it; steal some cutlery and booze before you're thrown out.

A bitter side note; the year is 1990 and I have entered a fancy dress competition as a robot. I had a costume meticulously made from two boxes and reams of silver foil. You should have seen me. And who won? You guessed. The bum. Some guy who just put on a few old clothes. That's proof that this costume works. Thank you for giving me a forum to air my grievances. And I have nothing against Ms. Love, she was just an example.