h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In reading this entry, I was reminded instant-like of an SCTV sketch I had seen. It featured cowboys, talking all funny-like with no abverbs. One even comments on the other's informal-like speech. "Wise" has the same use in Newspeak.

I don't know where this is originally from...

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA - Brittany d'Angelus, a 17 year old Junior from Valley High School, spontaneously caught fire today when her brain short circuited because of a bet that she had made with her parents. According to Jessica, who is Brittany's best friend's sister's cousin, "This is like so horrible. Brittany's parents like full-on bet Brittany like that she could not go a whole day without like saying the word 'like'. They like told her that if she like won the bet they would like buy her a BMW. Brittany like thought that it would be like a piece of cake."

Needless to say, Brittany found it difficult to communicate without using the word 'like'. According to Jessica, "When Brittany like got to school, she like sounded like a total loser. She had to like think before she like said anything. Then when she would like talk she would like say things like, 'Hello Jessica. How are you this morning?' Can you like believe it. She was like a total nerd."

Brittany's frustrations compounded throughout the day and hit a critical level during lunch break. It was at that time that Brittany and her friends were standing around gossiping. Brittany was fighting to find the right words to describe last night's encounter with the cutest guy on campus when she began flailing her arms erratically. Her head started shaking violently and her eyes rolled back. Then a sound like the ignition of a gas BBQ was heard. Brittany's friends screamed in horror when they realized that she had spontaneously caught fire. One of Brittany's girlfriends acted quickly and threw her boyfriend's letterman jacket over Brittany and rolled her in the grass to put the fire out.

Firefighters who rushed to the scene told BNN that Brittany's burns were not serious. Said Fire Captain Bill, "The quick thinking of Brittany's friend saved her life. If the fire had burned just a few seconds longer, the flames could have reached the oxygen tank inside of Brittany's skull causing an explosion."

Brittany was taken to a local hospital and is expected to make a full recovery. There is no word yet on whether Brittany's parents will be charged in this case.