h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

SINCE THE DAWN OF MAN,
I SEARCED THIS WORLD,
FOR A PLACE OF PEACE
TO CALL MY HOME,
AND I FOUND IT HERE,
IN THIS SCEPTRED ISLE,
IN THE DARK AGE, LONG AGO


MY SWORD EXCALIBUR
BY MERLINS' MAGIC,
WAS SEALED FOR A KING IN STONE,
BUT LOVES' LABOURS LOST,
WOTEVER THE COST,
TO THE LADY IN THE LAKE,
EXCALIBUR GOT THROWN


BUT MERLIN WAS NOT LAX,
HE KNEW THAT MEN WOULD BREAK MY PAX,
AND SO HE SAVED
MY BLOODY OLD VIKING BATTLE AXE


IN AVALON,
LOVE AND TIME
HAVE HEALED MY WOUNDS,
IN BODY HEAD AND SOUL,
AND NOW I SIT,
GRINDING MY AXE,
WITH AN OLD DIAMOND AND A PIECE OF COAL

AND
WRITING IN THE SAND,
WITH THE FINGER OF MY RIGHT HAND,
THE NAMES OF THOSE FOR WHOM
THE SILVER BELL OF JUSTICE,
WILL SOON BEGIN TO
TOLL

THE MYSTERY OF KING ARTHURS' AXE


About 1700 Years Ago,
As the Military Grip of Rome on Britannia Began to Loosen and Slip after 300 Years of LeadHead Alcoholic Roman Occupation, Rule Education, Slavery, Torture, Rape, Murder, Oppression And Repression:
The Killing Began

Every Roman Soldier Got it
Then There was A Lot of Revenge Killing
The Natives Went On The Rampage
Every Roman Settlement Was Sacked
Every Roman Building was Demolished and Obliterated
The Romanised Native Element of The Population Was Wiped Out
That is why Old English Families Do Not have Latin Names

All that remained in The End, was an element of Latin in The Native Language and Place Names of the day
Anybody who could write was Rubbed Out
Anybody who Owned Land, Valuables or Fine Clothes was Wiped Out

Victorious Warlords Proclaimed Themselves Kings In The Wake of Bran
England Fell Into The Dark Age
Nobody except a few Old Druids Bothered to Keep any Records


During that Period, A Powerful Viking Warlord and Plunderer, seeing Wot He Thought to Be The Opportunity of A Lifetime, Raised An Invasion Army and Set Sail for Newcastle

But Both He And His Army Were Unlucky
'Cos They Landed in Sunderland By Mistake

In Sunderland They were Wiped Out By King Arthur and His Knights, and their Ships were Loaded Up with All Their Bits and Floated Off Back from whence They came, And, As can be The Way with Unlucky Losers, They were Never Heard of Again on Either Side of The Sea


Merlin Picked Up The WannabeKingofEnglands' BattleAxe and Offered it to King Arthur As A Trophy

King Arthur was Reluctant, The BattleAxe Being A Bad Omen

Merlin Said,

HERE IS AN OLD BLOODY
VIKINGKING BATTLEAXE,
THAT I FOUND ON SLIPPERY GROUND,
WITH BITS OF THE VIKINGKINGS' ARMY,
LYING SCATTERED ALL AROUND

KEEP IT FOR
A RAINY DAY,
FOR INTO EACH LIFE
A LITTLE RAIN MUST FALL,
THIS AXE CAN SERVE AS A REMINDER,
THAT LOVE CONKERS ALL


King Arthur Looked at The Axe and Laughed 'Cos it was Blunt,
Unlucky For Some Said The King in His Dented Armour

King Arthur Decided to Keep The VikingKing BattleAxe for The Purpose
of Ceremonial Military Executions, but Never had Occaision To Use It As Such, and it got Stashed in Merlins' Mine where It Remains to This Day




By The Way

Master Sun Says

LUCK IS LIKE RAIN


LUCK FALLS EITHER WAY,
DEPENDING ON YOUR POSITION
AT THE END OF THE DAY

THE HEAVENS MAY OPEN,
AND LET FALL A HARD RAIN,
WINNERS BECOME LOSERS,
THE THIRSTY DRINK AGAIN