h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As an occasional participant in the Alfresco Games I would like to add some observations on the subject, with particular reference to those activities taking place on the coast.

Sand is one of the most all invasive entities in Nature. Merely standing upon it (or even near it in high winds) can lead to the most windproof, waterproof boot being taken off later and shaken upside down against a wall whilst you wriggle your toes desperately or (as some people casually inclined towards sado-masochism will do) rub them off vigourously with a rough towel in an attempt to dislodge the grains which have mysteriously lodged there. It doesn't matter what methods you apply, it always manages to get in there and irritate - its sole purpose for existing.

Now I love the beach: the sweeping dunes waving in the breeze, the waves crashing into shore, even the all maddenning sand...however, the precautions I have read here on how to avoid The Effects of gettin' busy on the beach are, I feel, insufficient to the best interests of all those lurve monsters wishing to know the finer consequences of such activity. So...to resume....

As I have already stated, sand is a HIGHLY INVASIVE, PERSISTENT, VERY IRRITATING entity and I'm sorry people but dropping a towel over it and expecting it to protect your vitals from it just won't do. I don't know what would prevent the Invasion of the Grains if you're gettin' busy lying down but a mere towel can't be expected to perform such feats of excellence.

The only way to get it on with your beach buddy and truly remain free of Troublesome Scratching (which, by the way can last for DAYS after the event no matter how much you wash) is to do it standing up at the EDGE of the beach....for example, on the promenade. This is a perfect location; all the pretty views and soothing wave noises....but with NO SAND invading the parts other geology can't reach. So go, my friends, and frolic without fear. The Grains can't get you now!

The unfortunate thing about advice like this is that its usually read after the fact. Yep, it sure does hurt! We've all seen the movies. You know, where the couple makes passionate love on the beach as the waves crash around them. Wow, that sure looks like fun. Anyone whos tried to emulate such acts is left wanting though. Sand in your teeth, sand in your naughty bits, sand-sand-sand. And the salt water isn't very tasty either. What starts out as "fantasy sex" ends up turning to frustration. If the situation arises again, I'll give the standing bit a try.

Yeah I forgot about the sand in yer teeth - yeagh!!! Like I said, what can prevent the attack of the grains???! Having said that, there are a few fantasy sex scenarios that aren't all they're (excuse the pun) cracked up to be...