A dramatic start to Valentine's Day, as I am forced to phone the police to report a missing person: my postman. He must have been kidnapped, or perhaps even murdered. What other possible explanation could there be for my not receiving any cards this morning?

But then I pick up the paper and read about the latest adventures of one of the world's most famous lovers. The Internet really seems to be catching on among leading politicians. Only last week we had Tony Blair launching his weekly on-line bulletin from Downing Street, and now Bill Clinton has become the first US President to give an on-line interview whilst in office, with questions from around the world being relayed to him via CNN's website.

Credit where it's due to the President: he's plainly more comfortable than Mr. Blair is when confronted with the Internet. He enthused over the contribution e-commerce had made to the US economy, and even expressed a desire to go into the 'Net business himself when he retires from office later this year.

Many other topics, from the economy to America's relations with Iran, were discussed during the interview.
But certain things weren't discussed; and given that CNN claim that 10,400 people tried to take part, it would have been great to see some of the questions that were not passed on to the President.
Were there really no questions along the lines of:
'Hi, this is Monica. When ARE you going to pay my dry-cleaning bill?'

No cigar manufacturers wanting him to endorse their products? .
Mr. Clinton was asked at one point what he thought his time in office would be remembered for. Rather poignantly, he replied:
'Historians will have to decide...'

But I think that he knows the answer really.

There again, the possible replacements for Bill are a pretty terrifying bunch. I didn't think I could be shocked by the American 'religious right' any more, but reading today about some of Republican hopeful George W. Bush's views, I was proved wrong.
Mr. Bush, it seems, once took a pretty extreme position on the subject of abortion. He used to say that it could only be justified if the pregnant woman had been the victim of rape or incest, or if her life was threatened by the pregnancy.

But he's changed his mind since then. Mr. Bush now believes that abortion shouldn't be permitted even in THOSE circumstances.
In other words, in his ideal world, if you got pregnant and the doctors told you that trying to have the baby would kill you, then you'd be condemned to death.

You know, I seriously think that if I lived in America, I'd be making contingency plans right now in case Mr. Bush wins the election.

Contingency plans for a possible emigration, that is.

Poor Robbie Williams. The ex 'Take That' singer, now a solo star, claims that the pressures of his position are making him ill. He has told reporters:
'I just wake up every morning stressed and wanting normality.'

I am so concerned about Mr. Williams that I am willing to make him an offer. Robbie, mate, if you're reading this, I am prepared to swap places with you.

It could easily be done - I mean, I can't sing very well either. I am prepared to let you have my flat in Holloway, and I'll move into that new house of yours that you presumably bought to help you with your quest for 'normality'. You know, the one in Notting Hill that cost £4 million, and which is currently undergoing £750,000 worth of renovations. The one which, when the work is finished, will contain six bedrooms, four bathrooms and a basement recording studio. I'd do the swap now, Robbie - I've got the builders in at my place at present, so there'd be no change there.

Finally, Robbie, I'm even willing to swap bank balances with you, to save you from the stress of looking after all that money. OK, so you wouldn't be able to boost the Colombian export business like you have in the past, but frankly that might help with your health problems.
Just leave a message with the 'Post', Robbie. They'll be expecting you. (We would be delighted to see you Robbie! ed.)

Here's another curious tale from the wacky world of popular song. The piano on which John Lennon wrote his legendary anthem 'Imagine' is to be sold by auction. It's not the white grand piano seen in the video for the song, but a humble upright. Nevertheless, because of its historical value, it's expected to be sold for £1 million.
You can just picture the scene, can't you? Some collector somewhere will actually pay the £1 million. They'll get the piano home and, glowing with pride, they'll put 'Imagine' on the stereo. Perhaps they'll even sing along with its noble sentiments.
All together now:
'Imagine no possessions...'

When Pierre-Yves Gerbeau took over as chief executive of London's Millennium Dome recently, many people were cynical and derisive. Some simply couldn't understand why a man previously employed by Disneyland Paris was considered to be suitable to run an attraction intended as a showcase of British history and culture. Cruel cartoons showing the Dome with giant Mickey Mouse ears appeared in British newspapers.

How wrong we all were. M. Gerbeau has no intention whatsoever of turning to famous cartoon characters in a desperate bid to boost the Dome's popularity.

He's turning to obscure cartoon characters instead.

To be precise, he's turning to Coggsley and Sprinx, one of whom is orange, bespectacled and of indeterminate species, and the other of whom appears to be a lime-green dog.

M. Gerbeau could hardly contain his enthusiasm when introducing his new recruits to the press.
'I want Coggsley and Sprinx to be little fixes that have to go through the brain of everybody!'

he raved alarmingly.
'I want them everywhere!'

But is that M. Gerbeau's only idea?

Good Lord, no! He's also planning to lower all the signs inside the Dome - in order, he has said, that
'...the little folks like me can see them.'

Good idea. That should help the customers find their way to the no-doubt-forthcoming Pokémon and Teletubbies Zones.

Earlier this week, there was a glimmer of hope that something might finally be done about Britain's drug laws. A two-and-a-half year, Government-backed enquiry by the Police Federation has come to the conclusion that the law banning Ecstasy is excessively harsh, and that the drug should be regarded as no more dangerous than cannabis.

Meanwhile, a report on the drug laws from the Cleveland police force goes even further, suggesting that the laws are simply unenforceable and that a major rethink is required.

The report, endorsed by Cleveland Chief Constable Barry Shaw, comments:
'If indeed there is a 'war on drugs' then it is not being won; drugs are demonstrably cheaper and more easily available than ever before. The same picture can be seen in the USA and elsewhere... If a sufficiently large, and apparently growing, part of the population chooses to ignore the law for whatever reason, then that law becomes unenforceable.'

Now I am not one of those who believe that if only someone put E in the water supply, or if everyone had a spliff for breakfast, then peace and love would rule supreme. Ecstasy and cannabis have at least one harmful side-effect in common: they both tend to ruin regular users' taste in music.

However, when the police themselves are saying that the law doesn't work, then I'd have thought it made sense to listen.

How depressing, then, to read this in Tony Blair's second weekly on-line bulletin:
'It is unrealistic to imagine we can create a world without drugs. But we can, and we must, do more to protect our young people. If we hold our nerve, if we carry on with the strategy - tougher punishment, better treatment, better co-ordination across government, then I am convinced we can get there.'

In other words, the unwinnable war goes on, whatever the police say.
And why? Because Mr. Blair is addicted to a very dangerous drug called power, and he's worried that if he does anything to upset the tabloid press, then he might not get another fix come election time.

As if the above wasn't enough, here's another Blair blunder. The official Labour candidate is to be the dismally dull Frank Dobson rather than the man who opinion polls consistently showed to be the people's choice - Ken Livingstone. There's no question at all that if a ballot of Labour Party members had been carried out, then Mr. Livingstone would have won the nomination. That's why the choice was actually made by means of a fiendishly complicated electoral college designed to give the party leaders more control.

The Prime Minister made it very clear that he wanted Mr. Dobson as the candidate, because he does as he's told, whereas Mr Livingstone has a mind of his own - something that isn't acceptable in Mr. Blair's Labour Party.

The only question for me now is which independent candidate is going to get my vote. There has been some speculation that Mr. Livingstone might stand as an independent candidate if he didn't get the Labour nomination, and he'll have my support if he does so.
If not, then I think I'll vote for a man who has done far more for British cultural life than all of the present government's posturing about 'cool Britannia': the former Sex Pistols manager and recording artiste, Malcolm McLaren.

Ormondroyd

21.02.00. Front Page

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