h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sometimes located at the back end of certain ghost towns spread throughout the wild midwest, you'll come across weird empty steakhouses that have no staff in them whatsoever to serve you your steak. In these strange places, you walk in, find a table (these places are always empty so it shouldn't be hard) and wait, wiping the cobwebs off the menu. Then, through the swing doors of the kitchen at the back, a big cow - maybe a Texas Shorthorn, maybe not - walks up to your table, snorting a bit, saying nothing, swatting little flies from off its butt with a lolling swish of the tale. And then, from out of nowhere, it will actually serve up bits of itself to you on a hot plate.

After you acclimatize yourself to the weirdness of the situation, you'll find that the meal is actually quite delicious - extremely fresh and nicely presented - and as a result, its quite normal for me to leave a hefty tip to show my appreciation.

I would make a similarly awful pun-based joke about giving money to really stroppy waitresses. But I don't want to be shot down in flames for being sexist...

So I won't.

There are signs dotted all around the country (usually in laybys) which read "No tipping - £500 fine".
If £500 is fine, what would be considered generous?

Genius... I doff my cow hide hat in deference to your posting, sir

Yet it would make more sense had I written the text of the signs as: "Tipping - £500 fine". The extra "No" makes it all very convoluted