h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

And it reminded me of the terrible joke of my childhood, the island in 'Beanie and Cecil' called No Bikini Atoll.

Also of Franz Werfel's comment in 'Jakobowsky and the Colonel':

'The situation is hopeless, but not serious.'

Thanks for the update on what we call in the US 'magenta alerts'.

Thanks Dmitri

So is the US alert system itself called Magenta, or is that one of the colours within it? Wouldn't it get confusing appending other colours to it?

Icy

No, it's just colours. For public consumption. We make mock by inventing silly colours.

People gave up paying attention to it, as they found the colour-coding ridiculous.

At least there is something my fellow citizens find ridiculous, he says as he takes off his *shoes* to get into an airplane, and buys very small containers of toiletries to put into a *clear plastic bag*.

The spectrum is here:

http://www.dhs.gov/xinfoshare/programs/Copy_of_press_release_0046.shtm

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the British and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Thanks for that! I remember that one from the Friday-afternoon emails a year or two ago. Do you know where it originated?

Yes.

The European Central Government's proposed Defence Department.

*wipes tears of joy from eyes*

US alert colour coding explained:

Green - No Risk
Represents: General envy of people with oil who aren't Texans or Alaskans
Response: Stockpile weapons or sell them to potential enemies.

Yellow - Slight risk
Represents: Something may be happening somewhere in the world that may upset the people whom we are jealous of when the situation was green
Response: Infiltrate some poor governments and fund some right wing rebels. Sell more weapons to potential enemies.

Amber - Raised Risk
Represents: Something definitely is happening somewhere out there... we're pretty damned sure!
Response: Invade somewhere - preferably a country without weapons of mass destruction. Find one fairly close to a country that doesn't like us.

Red - The s**t has hit the fan.
Represents: Everyone hates us and the planet is about to collapse
Response: Close down the economy; Give money to the people who threw away the money in the first place; Send more troops abroad to win friends and influence people. Tighten up border security with Mexico.
Continue to blockade Cuba - except for Guantanamo.